Dealing with Uncertainty...

[NeedingMore]

Well, I survived the birthday and had a great time. I think we had some good progress yesterday. BF made me feel very good and I got a little R talk in...very little, but something is better than nothing.

BF got off work yesterday morning at 6am and went to sleep. We were supposed to be at his parents house by 2pm for "early x-mas". He decided to carpool with his brother because he didn't know I was in town and thought I was coming from home. I met him there. I was a little irritated since I waited for him and had things that I could have gotten done, but I didn't want to be late. Anyway, I was mainly irritated by his lack of communication with me and making me wonder about our plans. I decided that I would let it go by the time I got there and be happy. When I arrived he had flowers for me. We had a great time and he played with my girls most of the day. They jumped on the trampoline and together we watched them jump and jump. It was nice to see his family and our friends who I haven't seen in ages. It made me feel good for them to see us "back together" since I know they have all been as unsure of our status as I have.

He said he had offered to drive his brother home since he had been drinking and I got a little upset because he had mentioned doing something for my b-day after the party. I tried really hard to have no expectations and "acted as if" I wasn't upset but he can sniff me out every time. Since I had my kids and we were 1 1/2 hours from home, I couldn't just go with him...and his place doesn't have room for all of us. So....this is the best part...he thought about what to do and told me that we would work it out and do something after no matter what. He hugged and kissed me and said he was open to finding space for the girls at his place. He said I love you, etc. I was more than happy because I thought he was just going to say "sorry I have to take my brother home".

We ended up leaving the girls at his parents house for the night and I went home with him. We went out and had a nice beer and then back to his place and he had champagne for me and we opened our x-mas gifts. He have me a very thoughtful personalized phone case and I was very happy about that. I know it made him feel good that I loved it so much, I could tell by the look on his face.

Then we went to bed. It was pretty awesome.

Back to the beer talk...it was all pretty normal talk but he made a very big effort to ask about me for a change. He even mentioned how he knows he always talks about himself and work/firefighting. It was a nice acknowledgment, he asked about work and school, etc. When he was talking about his shifts at work he was saying how brutal they have been. He works 12 hour shifts and they are back to back sometimes he only has a few hours in between to sleep. He said he felt REALLY REALLY bad about not returning some of my texts' and apologized. Then I said that was a relief because I thought he didn't want to talk to me sometimes. He said "that is never the case". This was nice to hear too. He truly is too busy for me. This realization has been hurtful, but I think I am coming to terms with it...and that he just needs me to be understanding about it. I am feeling a lot better...and it is because we communicated!! Hey! What a concept! Sometimes I just want to say that all I need is to be able to talk to him about things and get reassurance, but you can't ask for it!
Anyway, I am so hopeful and feeling so great about this whole sitch...

If I had a DB coach, I would want to ask how long do I continue to detach, not contact, etc. It seems to work and make him more interested when I back off, but I don't want him to think I am playing games, especially after such a great day and night together. Maybe I should go back to IC because I think a lot of my issues have to do with projection. I assume the worst, despite my effort not to. And then it eats away at me. I think I need help to stop it.

Also, in my head I seem to be caught up in wanting to know if he will move back in with me. I worry about it but I am trying not to. One day at a time, right? Also, it would be way too much pressure to ask him about that when things are going so well.

I can't wait until the day that I can look back and be grateful for this time, since it really has been a gift in knocking down the walls that I have had up and realizing how much I can love someone.

Ok enough for now...I still have some Christmas shopping to do! UGH!