Bright, I'm sorry you are having a bad time of it. Your sister and her h need to stay out of your business. They haven't walked in your shoes and don't know what it's like to experience this type of trauma. You and only you, can decide when you've had enough. They can't do that for you.
As for your h and relationships...maybe he's reverted back to a teenager and can talk and flirt, but hasn't got up enough confidence to go to the next level. He may be a man, but his mind could be that of a teenager.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh Bright, I feel your pain, really I do. I'm so sorry your family is coming at you too, that makes it more difficult in an already difficult situation.
It really is traumatic, as job said. Having flashbacks, panicking, cycling. Ugh.
this quote from you:
Quote:
He always had female friends and I was OK with that as long as it was not a secret from me. I realize now that for some reason he wanted to have women friends, and most of them were single. When I look at his behavior now, I see a teenager trying to be at the center of a party and get attention from as many females as possible. Is he trying to validate or assert himself?
gave me a true flashback as to how my H had been previous years before BD!! Wow. I was once at a party, where I came up to him and another guy and two girls and my h said to me 'I'm just being his wingman!' like it was ok, and I was not his wife. He has always wanted female friends too. And the first one years ago that gave him any attention he glommed on to like a moth to a flame. Now he is trying to prove that to himself again, with a person he has a 'mutual interest' with...seriously dude, you're married...
I hope you can come up with something to say to your family that will let them know you are doing what you need and want to do at this time. Please do that so you won't have the added stress, they will understand if you let them know.
Be strong Bright and be good to you.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Thanks, job and Pud. I really don’t know how to tell my family to stop pressuring me. They gave me so much support during last 18 months. Normally I try to have a happy attitude when I go there. These last few weeks I was just a mess, and I think this prompted them to get on my case even harder. My sister didn’t call yesterday like she would normally do before going for work. I suspect she feels a little guilty, but would not back off from she said to me.
Job, my H always was a party guy, but he tried to behave like a mature adult. I said “tried” because I don’t know if it was always a mask, and deep down he just never resolved his issues and still was in a teenage state, if that is possible. I think when my son graduated from high school, my H started to behave a little different at the parties. He wanted to be silly, making more and more provocative and inappropriate jokes. He was still trying to keep his face with me, because sometimes I would not approve some of the behavior, or he thought that I would not approve. I guess he got rid of the chains, and now can do whatever he wants with whoever he wants to. The crowd he hangs around at the vacation home (mostly his age and older retired people) perfectly fits him. They drink, make inappropriate jokes, use dirty language, and party all the time. A couple of these people behave like teenagers too, and they are his best buddies from what I’ve heard.
The question I’m asking myself is what if this is who H is and always has been. I don’t want to be part of it. Well, unless I go into my own MLC, LOL.
I sent a reply to H’s e-mail this morning, the one about the cork production. I said that it is a fascinating story, that the pictures look like the once I have, and I wish I would have seen the whole process. I purposely didn’t mentioned “us” or “we”. Will see if he responds, but I’m not holding my breath, just curious. I also sent an e-mail asking him to send the company file again, because he forgot to attach it. I don’t know how often he is going to check his e-mail, since he is officially on a long term vacation now. I need the file to do the payroll tomorrow.
I’m trying to process my feelings and stay positive. I’ve been cycling so fast between the feelings that I’m done and need to finish the whole thing and the “phantom” feelings that this is not the end and somehow it is all fixable. I didn’t sleep well last night and kept fighting with all kinds of fears. This morning I woke up and had this weird thought that H is going to be back one day and everything is going to work out just fine. I hate this. It is like my mind tells me it is over, but my heart is putting so much resistance. Somehow I need to figure out the way how to align my mind and my heart.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, Your heart and mind will align themselves when they are ready. Right now, you are very torn as to what to do. There is an old saying around here that goes like this: "When in doubt, do nothing". I think you would like to have more movement one way or the other w/your h so that you would know where he's at right now. Unfortunately, he's not sharing much, nor have you seen him in a while to be able to look at him and see how he's faring health wise.
I think it was good that he sent the photos and the story to open the door just a wee bit. Many of them don't like to share anything w/us and I'm praying that this is a baby step in the right direction for him.
Bright, I'm going to suggest that you let him go for a while. Allow the man upstairs to have him for a bit and work on him. The tighter you hold on to him mentally, emotionally and physically, the harder it is to concentrate on anything else going on in your life. Trust your faith and if you sit quietly, the answers will come.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
bright, this is something I continually struggle with too. was my h always a bit this way and I didn't want to see it? he likes the fun. he is good at his job and the responcibility that comes along with it, but he also gets the accolades. H liked being center of attention. everyones likes my h. I pray constantly for h. I know the spinning you feel. do something good for you!!
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
I have been following along your thread. Isn't it funny that we all are really strangers to each other BUT that we get to know each other so well that we can pick up patterns in behaviour?
There are two patterns that I see in your behaviour and chnaging those may help you. One, I was so guilty of myself until I learned to stop.
That one is the pattern that you try to reach out to those that love you for support and they do not validate or support you. I did the same. Until I learned that from those people, I was not going to get the support I needed and I had to seek it elsewhere. It's hard. But having those conversations which only tear you down in the end are not good for you. Only YOU can decide YOUR life. The situation is bad enough without having to have others (no matter how close to you) drag you down.
The other pattern that I see in you, Bright, that I think my be hurting you, is your need to run to friends for information about your H every time you feel insecure. Stop the gossip and stop inviting the gossip. Are your friends hiding something from you? Maybe. But maybe they just feel it isn't their business to tell you whatever it is. That they don't want to be in the middle of the two of you. If you continue to nag your friends for information, you are putting your relationship under a microscope and that cannot be very comfortable for either you or your H.
This is your time to heal. To begin again. Not manically GALing but creating new patterns and dreaming of a life beyond the now. Take the pressure off you both. Let the gossips talk about something or someone else.
The very best of the Season to you, Bright. I am in your corner!
Received a reply back from H. Wow, he checked his e-mails again. Maybe he was waiting for me to inform him about the payroll, to make sure I pay the condo mortgage (after he transfers the money.) And this is exactly what he said in his e-mail. Asked me to deposit the check to his account, so he could transfer the money for condo payment. Then he informed me that he will be in town on Sunday or Monday to “pick up his car and stuff”, and also to pick up his mail. This is cruel. Our anniversary is on Sunday, and this when he wants to come and pick his “stuff”. This e-mail made me cry.
I just cannot understand what is it that makes me feel all of these feelings all over again. I’ve been trying very hard to dig deeper and figure out what bothers me.
Job, thanks for your patience and reminding me again to do nothing when in doubt and wait for the answers. I do need to right these words on my forehead. Yes, I feel like I’m holding into him emotionally again. I thought I was moving toward the detachment. What do you mean by letting him go for while? Do you mean I should stop any communication at all?
Portia, thanks so much for stopping by and expressing your thoughts. I agree with you on the first point. I’ve been trying to not discuss my sitch anymore, but it doesn’t always work. I know I’ve slapped so many times, and yet I’m still continuing to share, looking for support and understanding. If I don’t verbalize my feelings, I tend to get uneasy, I tend to exaggerate the events, I tend to sink into desperation. When I hear the words of reason, it helps me to see the sitch from a different perspective. I try to journal, but it hasn’t been working for me. I need a feed back.
On the second point, you made a very good observation. You are right, when I feel insecure, I try to seek the information. I know that the e-mail to my friends about them hiding something was a mistake. I think I was looking for confirmation that they were still open with me, not as much as for information about H. It was just a weird feeling. I’ve been trying not to discuss anything with them anymore. They normally volunteer the information themselves, and this time I felt that they were withholding something. So, it kind of set me off. You are right thought, I need to stop this behavior.
Yesterday I went to my GF’s get together party. A day before I dreading this, I didn’t want to be around people. Yesterday, I pulled myself together and actually was looking forward to going. I had a good time, talking with some people I knew and some new once. There were a couple of guys who were interested in taking to me. For some reason I made me sad.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I so know what you mean about validation and needing feedback if for no other reason than to get out of your own head. Personally I can drive me crazy arguing all sides. That was one of the reasons I started posting here.
People who were going through the same things and who would not hesitate to point out my own patterns. I know it is not quite the same as talking live but when you are feeling particularly blue come here to post. You will get the support that you need.
I'm sorry about the anniversary coming up Bright. Mine was right after BD, a month after. And I got nothing from him. He was totally zoned out that day and depressed thinking how we'd been M 25 years. It was awful. I was able to get him out to dinner, but he had the dark look and frowned most of the evening. I'd already gotten him a card a a nice present so I gave it to him. But it felt very unappreciated. I'm sorry it made you cry.
It hurts because we get no resolution or feedback and we think it is all our fault. It is not our fault. They would have done this if we had been with them or not. I can see you still place a lot of the blame on yourself. Let it go. You are not to blame for his bad choices and hurtful behavior. You will get there, just be patient with yourself and get those feelings out.
I am rooting right next to Portia for you!!
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
I don’t expect anything for the anniversary. He didn’t acknowledge it last year also, because according to him we were done. Our anniversary doesn’t mean anything to him anymore. I just think it would be super insensitive for him to clear out his stuff from the house on this date. It makes me think that he doesn’t have any feelings anymore and he thinks that I don’t either. I just cannot believe that I don’t matter anymore. It still hurts... I don’t even know what I’m writing anymore… I’m like a tiger in a case, pacing from one side to another trying to escape, but there is no escape.
On a positive note, my son and his GF went and got a tree for me tonight. We decorated it and it looks great. And smells great too! I love this smell. I’m grateful that I have my son and my family. And my dog!
Merry Christmas to everyone!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
