Feel like falling down

[willbwell]

kicking myself...so, so, so. //upid
H comes over.. early for him to be off work..
I am cooking in the kitchen and already had a glass of wine.
really I know it is too early for this, but I do a glass of wine daily. I don't over do, but I find myself looking forward to that glass....
its usually while I am fixing dinner.
Today, I was making dips and cookies and prepping my menu for tomorrow, xmas...

just so not good. drinking even a little has an impact on me.
I don't want to give up my glass of wine.
I probably would have been fine if h didn't stop by.

he was sitting on the sofa. D15 just out of the bath.H's arms were across the sofa back.
I went over to him and sat in close for a hug.

I got nothing.

I picked up his hand to give me a pat.

Did this a couple of times before I moved.

Maybe he made some remark...good job or something....

after he left, I sent a text.
sorry if I made you uncomfortable.
I know I do a good job. I shouldn't be fishing for compliments.

h responds back that I do do a good job and I do get compliments( not really in my opinion)
h says doesn't want to confuse d.

right back at those expectations.

d and I leave and go to target for something for the boys( long underwear for their ski trip), then we went to eat dinner.

just mad at myself.
wanted a nice holiday.
things had seemed to be going ok. I was feeling ok.
now this.
its just so stupid