Coming Back To Life

[BrightFuture]

Received a reply back from H. Wow, he checked his e-mails again. Maybe he was waiting for me to inform him about the payroll, to make sure I pay the condo mortgage (after he transfers the money.) And this is exactly what he said in his e-mail. Asked me to deposit the check to his account, so he could transfer the money for condo payment. Then he informed me that he will be in town on Sunday or Monday to “pick up his car and stuff”, and also to pick up his mail. This is cruel. Our anniversary is on Sunday, and this when he wants to come and pick his “stuff”. This e-mail made me cry.

I just cannot understand what is it that makes me feel all of these feelings all over again. I’ve been trying very hard to dig deeper and figure out what bothers me.

Job, thanks for your patience and reminding me again to do nothing when in doubt and wait for the answers. I do need to right these words on my forehead. Yes, I feel like I’m holding into him emotionally again. I thought I was moving toward the detachment. What do you mean by letting him go for while? Do you mean I should stop any communication at all?

Portia, thanks so much for stopping by and expressing your thoughts. I agree with you on the first point. I’ve been trying to not discuss my sitch anymore, but it doesn’t always work. I know I’ve slapped so many times, and yet I’m still continuing to share, looking for support and understanding. If I don’t verbalize my feelings, I tend to get uneasy, I tend to exaggerate the events, I tend to sink into desperation. When I hear the words of reason, it helps me to see the sitch from a different perspective. I try to journal, but it hasn’t been working for me. I need a feed back.

On the second point, you made a very good observation. You are right, when I feel insecure, I try to seek the information. I know that the e-mail to my friends about them hiding something was a mistake. I think I was looking for confirmation that they were still open with me, not as much as for information about H. It was just a weird feeling. I’ve been trying not to discuss anything with them anymore. They normally volunteer the information themselves, and this time I felt that they were withholding something. So, it kind of set me off. You are right thought, I need to stop this behavior.

Yesterday I went to my GF’s get together party. A day before I dreading this, I didn’t want to be around people. Yesterday, I pulled myself together and actually was looking forward to going. I had a good time, talking with some people I knew and some new once. There were a couple of guys who were interested in taking to me. For some reason I made me sad.