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[Ambivalent]

Well, my youngest just told me my oldest is giving her a Christmas gift. So I called her to see what was up. One of the reason's she stated she wasn't coming was due to not having gifts. Meaning she didn't have any for us and didn't want to receive any. I asked her if she had changed her mind and wanted to come out. She was blunt.

It turned into how she doesn't like me, doesn't respect me, and that she doesn't like it that I eat animals. She and I discussed judging and our history. She said she felt judged and then gave examples. I then proceeded to share that only one issue I was not comfortable with, the piercings. She tends to make up things to fit her arguments, if called on them she generally concurs.

I was the parent who saw her behaviors, and worked on them. I was bad cop. I knew when she was manipulative, untruthful, blah blah blah. I was also the parent who made her make amends, and deal with consequences, logical and natural. With all of this, I also was her staunch advocate. Cried when she was emotionally rejected by her peers ( privately of course ) and fought like Hell to make sure she got what she needed.

If it wasn't for everything that has been going on, I would have been far more detached. It was just the icing on my sh-t cake. I did bring to her attention where she is actually judging me, based on my beliefs, and practices and that she was acting out passive aggressively. Now I know why the chair incident at Thanksgiving.


Now I just got a phone call with her in a frenzied manic state, because when I told my youngest she wasn't coming , I gave her the reasons she gave me. She then proceeded to scream at me that I had no right to tell her why she wasn't coming....yadda yadda yadda. She ranted and screamed because my other daughter told her she was going to return her gift, so she would have some money.

This upset daughter #1, because it ruined her plans to give a gift to daughter #2. She was "proud" of herself...

She has been trying to purchase a relationship with daughter #2 for years now. Daughter #2 doesn't want a relationship with her due to several things. Being bullied and physically attacked as a younger child, her condescending treatment of her in front of peers. Also, her choice of alternative esthetics, piercings, gauging, hair color, lack of hygiene and choice of dress.

I discussed why my second d. really wanted to return the gift. Oh boy...MORE passive aggressive behavior. She hates conflict with older sister due to bullying, and past physical battery. She can't get a word in with the oldest, SOOOO she acts out in a covert manner. What a f-ing mess.

I can so clearly see the dynamics, and even with me and my H.

This whole family needs therapy, instead my youngest doesn't want to see anyone, due to lack of respect for the profession. She is a Chem. major and doesn't respect the psychology major's course load, and intellect. UGH @@

So I helped daughter # 2 with daughter #1. She recognized her behavior to older sibling was due to the second hand offense she felt. I suggested she didn't need the money as much as she thought , and she realized she too was acting out passive aggressively too!

It is really crappy when your self-esteem is shot over your H. and marriage, then the daughter you worked and sweated over has so more issues than God. I had lovingly detached from her, I knew she had to grow and work through her issues.

I know she is trying to pull away, for socio-emotionally she is a teenager. She is miserable, obese, cannot maintain friendships for long, combative, controlling , and insecure. I feel for her, but there is no longer a thing I can do for her.

I guess this is going to be the worst year of my life. I am so tired of being rejected by the people to who my heart goes out.

I have set up attorney visits today as well. It is just gut wrenching. I can see why people think divorce will make it all go away. But it won't. I'm scared, I'm lonely, and I don't know where I'll be living or working. I really hate my life right now.

I just want to curl up and die.