I'm struggling. Things have been hard lately. For me anyway.
I'm in my third trimester. I wouldn't say this is exactly where we were when things started to go south the last time around, but we were getting into the thick of it around this time.
The whole pregnancy is a trigger. Just existing.
I try to be objective about it. I understand that H is not doing those things now. He is present, he is working hard, he is being a good father. He is still not excellent at knowing how to be sympathetic or empathetic (he's always lacked these qualities).
So generally, I know that, on a scale of 1-10, I'm about a 5 with him at all times due to this PTSD-type BS. So when marital issues that would normally register a 3 or 4 on the scale crop up, because I'm already at a 5, they fly up to a 8 or 9 on the scale and it feels like a full nuclear meltdown. For me.
It is very hard not to outwardly hate him often. Even though he's not really doing much wrong in the present.
He gets frustrated with me when I become frustrated because he can see how miserable I am and then says, "why do you tell the MC that everything is fine when you know it's not?"
To which I retort: "that is not what I say. What I say, is on the day to day, we are fine. You are doing fine. The BS that makes the everyday miserable is crap in the past that I alone have to fix. There is nothing you can really do to undo what you did other than try to keep in good graces currently. There is not much we can do on a couple's level"
And the MC agrees with this. And honestly, there's nothing H can do that I can think of to make me less miserable (other than a) build a time machine or b) learn to be empathetic, which frankly is just not in his hard-wired personality, so I don't expect that to happen).
I have my doubts that baby boy will go full term. I guess call it mother's intuition, but even though my due date is March 16th, I'm going to call out February 28th. Don't know why. Just feel it.
Now that I've put that out in the universe, he'll probably come 2 weeks late.
He's giant. He's healthy, but giant. Not surprising given his genes. Active, but not alarmingly so. It seems on par for both it being a boy and my second. He is kicking harder than I remember D kicking. But at least I'm still getting sleep (mostly). I haven't really bought much for him, or put much of a registry together. OTOH, we have so much still from D, we don't need nearly as much this time around. I'll probably start buying a bulk box of diapers each month starting in January.
I'm concerned about my mental state once he arrives. In general, with mental health, once you experience a mental illness your rate of having it happen again increases. This is no different. So I don't know if I'll barely be able to peel myself off the floor once he comes. At least last time, I had my parents and my stepbrother around to watch her when I needed some me time or I needed to just not deal with a newborn for a few minutes. H plans on taking a little time off (probably 1-2 weeks) but after that it's me, alone, in my house with a newborn AND an almost 3 year old.
I'm already crying almost the moment I leave the house most days. I don't know what I'm going to be like once the hormones fly all over the place and there's a screaming baby in my arms.
