My Holiday Wish for You

[labug]

Betsey posted this on Melissa's thread and I wanted to bring it here and add my thoughts.

No matter what is happening in our lives, I think that it's an important reminder to actually LIVE the lives we have. Thank you.

It reminds me of a saying an old friend used to tell me: when you have one foot in the past and the other one in the future, you're pissing on the present. I really hate that visual - enough to live in the NOW when I can. (BTW, Melissa, this is the theme of the book I recommended earlier - The Power of Now).

I also got an e-mail from my sister this morning that had a bunch of inspirational quotes. One of them said, "If you find yourself consistently down in the dumps, it means you are living in the past. If you find yourself consistently anxious, you are living in the future. Happiness lies living in the present."

I think what helped me most is knowing that my girls have one childhood, and I OWED it to them to make it as happy as possible. Until I felt like I could do it without thinking too much, I distracted us with stuff that we could do together - like going to the movies, the park, the pottery place, etc. I used those times to build the bridges to normalcy. I got season tix to the Avs (before they went on the skid), which is something my D19 and I did together. It seemed to help us transition to our new normal so much easier and more quickly.

I can't stress this enough to all you newcomers: the holidays are very, very tough and they seem to bring out the unexpected in our WASs. I know I had a tendency to make the holidays more important than any other time of year, and I can see now that I set us up for setbacks and some misery on my part. I don't have any advice there, just be cognizant of the fact that the next 10 days are going to be a roller coaster for all of you. Just remember that when you slide down or climb up. This, too, shall pass.

Okay, time to get back to work. It's a busy day and won't get better for a few more.

Take care of yourselves--
Betsey

The holidays season can be stressful in the best of times. It's an established fact that depression increases, drinking increases, family violence increases at this "hap-happiest time of the year."

And so here we LBSs are with a spouse who wants out of a marriage and if you have kids, they are hurt and confused. Every day feels like moving through mud, crying rivers of tears. What to do?

Take care of yourselves first. Put DBing on the back burner for now, do the best you can for you and your children. Continue to act with dignity and lead with love.

Take the pressure off. Nothing has to be perfect. Your kids will have a fine time, it may not be like the previous years but it will be OK. If you're OK, chances are they will be OK.

In the first Christmas after my personal BD, I was still very sad but I knew I wanted to do things a bit differently, change things up a bit. I bought a smaller tree, decorated differently and looked for ways to make Christmas more active with things like bowling, walks, visiting with friends we hadn't seen for a while. I even changed our traditional holiday menu a bit.

The next year my gift to my sons was a 2 night trip starting the 26th, something we had never done before. It was a great experience even though S21 wasn't able to go.

This might not work for you but think about way make the holiday yours. Own it!

Just know that this will pass. Try not to worry too much about what your Spouse is or isn't doing or saying at this time. The situation is affecting them, too. We don't know exactly how and that's not our business but you can bet it is.

Most of all, don't judge yourselves for where you are at this point in time. This is all a process and the only way through it, is through it. Every one has their own pace and as long as you are working on you, you're moving forward.

I'm hoping others will join in here and add what's worked for them, or what didn't.

Maybe even some funny anecdotes, like S24 and I getting snowed in last year several miles from our destination. We turned lemons into lemonade and share a wonderful memory.

My wish for you is that you have some quiet moments of peace to show you what's possible.