Hi Blues - I am so sorry to hear how horrible your H is being. I am a few months further long in this journey than you and I have noticed a change in my H. For the year prior to BD, my H was either gone, rude or angry. I could not believe the things that would come out of his mouth. I would look at my H and think how are you the same man that proposed to me, cried when I walked down the aisle and held me as we welcomed our children into the world. When I started my this process, my goal was for H to be less mean and to simply be able to stand in the same room together. It took MONTHS. But I am starting to see bits and pieces of my H again. Things are still awkward, but there very little anger or resentment left.
I know that it is hard, but simply ignore his rantings. It is all script to make themselves feel better about their actions. I stopped taking the bait. I stopped doing the dance of anger and blame with him.
I know what you mean when you say that you are done and want to throw in the towel. There are so many days when I thought to myself, "This $ucks and I am done." I thought that it would put me in control of my life since I would not be waiting for my H to say that he was done first. But I eventually realized that I can take back control over my life without filing for D. I can set rules and boundaries to protect myself and the kids. For some reason, it is important to me to not file for D. I want to be able to tell my kids that I stood for my M and that I did so with grace and dignity.
Instead of worrying about whether to file for D, I would focus on what boundaries you would like to set. I would put them in place and move on with your life. You will not know how your H is going to react, but at the end of the day it probably cant be much worse than where you are now.
You are going a great job! I will be thinking of you over the holidays.
