I have been following along your thread. Isn't it funny that we all are really strangers to each other BUT that we get to know each other so well that we can pick up patterns in behaviour?
There are two patterns that I see in your behaviour and chnaging those may help you. One, I was so guilty of myself until I learned to stop.
That one is the pattern that you try to reach out to those that love you for support and they do not validate or support you. I did the same. Until I learned that from those people, I was not going to get the support I needed and I had to seek it elsewhere. It's hard. But having those conversations which only tear you down in the end are not good for you. Only YOU can decide YOUR life. The situation is bad enough without having to have others (no matter how close to you) drag you down.
The other pattern that I see in you, Bright, that I think my be hurting you, is your need to run to friends for information about your H every time you feel insecure. Stop the gossip and stop inviting the gossip. Are your friends hiding something from you? Maybe. But maybe they just feel it isn't their business to tell you whatever it is. That they don't want to be in the middle of the two of you. If you continue to nag your friends for information, you are putting your relationship under a microscope and that cannot be very comfortable for either you or your H.
This is your time to heal. To begin again. Not manically GALing but creating new patterns and dreaming of a life beyond the now. Take the pressure off you both. Let the gossips talk about something or someone else.
The very best of the Season to you, Bright. I am in your corner!
