But I am actively training myself not to go there. I keep saying to myself - don't look back, don't look back!
It gets easier, doesn't it?? It gets easier to simply turn the switch in our brain and think or do something else.
By-the-by, I agree that there's no excuse. I was hospitalized for depression. I understand how it feels to bleed pain. Yet, I never treated anyone the way Smokey has treated the children and I. Blows my mind.
I suppose someday it will make sense to me. But, for now, I can't imagine turning my back on someone with whom I created a life, imperfect or not.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Pud - I totally know what you meant! WR, you already are doing so very well through an extremely tough situation. I admire you! It does get easier, Heather. Hard to totally forget, but easier to move along, like tripping over something rather than feeling run over by a truck.
So Skippy sent me a Christmas Card. And it arrived before Christmas Eve. Talk about being the opposite! The man never could be on time for anything.
It did not say too much - couple of lines, really. Merry Christmas and all that jazz. He did say that he thinks of me all the time - all positive thoughts.
And here is where I am right now - why wouldn't he have positive thoughts of me, I didn't screw things up! But, it was a nice gesture and I will text him to thank him. Obviously I could not send him a card; I did not have his address.
Is it strange that I am kind of "whatever" about it? Where did all the feelings go?
No less than three people that I know quite well have confided in me that their marriages are in trouble, for various reasons. I feel their pain. Two have had their spouses walk out the door on them. I hurt for them, I have been there. And that is when I realize that I am no longer at that place.
The holidays sure bring out the crazies in us, don't they?
Portia, this is something, he said that he thinks about you “all the time”. You’ve made a better progress towards detaching. I don’t why I don’t feel the same by now. You give me hope though, that one day I will be where you are. I can’t wait for that day.
I was at my GF’s party yesterday. There were a few couples. I could not help but to notice some dynamics between them. One couple came separate, the W brought their 16 yo daughter, then the H showed up later. This guy was trying to talk to me for the second part of the night. I saw the W’s face… She clearly didn’t like that. Later in the evening she was going to leave with her daughter, but something had changed and the daughter stayed with her Dad. This made me sad. What is it with these guys? Why cannot they make their wives to feel comfortable?
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Because he needs to devalue you to justify his leaving. His perception of things will become more distorted and he will find ways to blame you for problems in his life. Be prepared for it if it hasn't happened yet.
Hi Portia the card is very thoughtful and I think interesting that he wrote that. Like he is reassuring you..
I understand what to mean about feelings kind of not being there.. I think part of it is self preservation --- you have worked so hard on yourself and getting to the other side and you don't want to go back to where you were. He would need to catch up with you.
I wish you all the best. Have a great holiday
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
One of my favourite Christmas movies is National Lampoon's Christmas - CLASSIC! There is a scene where mom and daughter are in the kitchen and daughter is complaining about having to give up her room to her grandparents. Mother said (while chain smoking)"Well dear, it's the holidays, we're all miserable!"
So much truth to that in a funny kind of way. Family is wonderful but they are also nosy, pesky and irritating. We love them but sometimes we want to kill them.
That was about my Christmas in a nutshell. And while catching up with everyone, we all had moments like that!
Pud, I wish I knew why the answer to some people is to walk away. I had a discussion with a woman who I really don't know that well tell me that her husband worked hard and was good with their two young children but that she was feeling neglected and was thinking of legally separating. I tried not to be horrified and to give a bit more rational prespective without sounding like I was lecturing. And maybe there is more to it than that, but I could not help be stunned. How hard did she think life would be outside of the family unit?
Bright, thank you for your post. Yes, he wrote that he thinks of me all the time but that has not turned into action. I texted Skippy and thanked him for the card and wished he and his family Merry Christmas. He answered back thanks and a little joke.
The next text I received was at midnight on Christmas Eve (techinically Christmas) with just a Merry Christmas. I replied the same back.
Haven't heard from him since. Not even a call on Christmas Day. First time in well over a decade. And that did bother me. I wasn't really expecting a call, but I guess on some level I was or otherwise I would have been able to brush it off.
I cannot play the crumb game. Little crumbs here and there. I am not a squirrel.
Rock, that question was actually rhetorical. I have already been through the nasty stage with him. It was at that point that I cut off all contact, unless initiated by him and even then I ignored him half the time. He no longer has the option of blaming me because I am not around. I share no parts of his life anymore. Whatever excuses he is still making to justify his actions - no doubt helped along by his therapist - do not concern me.
MizJ - you know I am wishing you the very best, always!
Busting, thank you for that perspective. Things really do change and I wonder sometimes if I dismiss all of his small steps now because they are so small. AFter BD, I wanted everything to be a small step. Until it was pointed out here, I never realized how selfish and manipulative he was being. Now the reverse is true. I look at everything with a jaundiced eye, everything is suspect. I do not trust his words and his actions seem way, way too little, much too late. I have not reached the point where I wish him happy; a part of me still hates him.
I do hope in the coming New Year that everyone will help me to re-balance again. To recognize when he is trying and in that way, I can work toward forgiving. I truly do not know if I want to reconcile (not that there is much of a chance of that); that seems an impossible herculean task right now. That is not my goal. I do not want to dismiss small steps because I am angry. I also do not want to see small steps when there are none.
greetings of the seasoon from someone else continually trying to stfu. it's work isn't it?
you made me laugh with your comment on relatives. it made me think of someone in some show i was watching this christmas - i think it was a tv show- saying "it's not christmas til someone cries". oh man--- my family totally. lots of ANGRY WOMEN WITH GRUDGES & envy & WANTING TO BLAME IT ALL - I MEAN ALLLL - ON SOMEONE ELSE. ANYONE- SOMEONE IS ALWAYS ON THE BRINK OF LETTING SOMEONE ELSE "HAVE IT" - WHat the he!! is wrong with this group? i'm askin ya. they are scary and it's hard to want to be around them.
my christmas went better than usually does. surprise company at last moment so my mom & sister that feud didn't "go there" around outsiders - h was pleasant and helpful and so there you go.
i feel allll the time like you- the stinnkin crumbs. idk - i've got no idea how to fix anyhthing- where it will go- and how long i can DO THIS. FOR THE MOMENT- SINCE NO particular other better plan- i am still here. ta da!!! suck up those darn crumbs baby (me to self) - what is this anyway?
i wonder about that myself- why i am still here exactly- how i can just continue having my life outside of this, while inside of this (mlc insanity) - it's like evertytyhing else- either too complicated or too simple to think about- so i am not going to rite now (hopefully forever). how the heck long can we put it all out of our minds? one has to wonder.
do i trust the process - i'm not so sure- but have nothing better going on.
OH YEAH- you say not chatting on christmas. i'm spending new year by self. i guess i won't die- i hate holidays alone- even stupid old fourth of july made me blue- God i'm a wah wah baby about some stuff.
to me, seems like a mighty bad omen- beginning new year by self . h will undoubtedly be "doin" ow - so woo ho- lots and lots of love and happiness, etc. for him. (so he thinks i believe)
it's allll too nuts for me. even as i say it- i don't believe it (that she's his true loverpie forever ) - but it doesn't matter what i think or feel or believe anyhmore - does it.
h still hangs on- comes back & forth- is nice or generous- why in the world - i do not know. like you- i don't "get it" and we don't get to - do we.
oh well- just checkin in and sayin thanks for the laugh over christmas and family.
im nearly at war with everyone in my family- what a group. DO NOT EVER step out of your "usual role" in the group- hell to pay with that.
just hangin in there- haven't even had time to read around last month or two- life is wierd and just when you think you can't stand THAT_ - IT GETS worse somehow. i'm very glad i'm not 89 and or dying. past year full of hospitals and people dying and so forth.
You have an awesome turn of phrase!! Thank you for the laughs!
I used to think the same - New Year should start like you wanted the year to go. This year, for the first time ever, I have made plans, just me and my cat. And I am so OK with that.
Nope, I am not 89, dying or in a third world country trying to survive. Which is far more tragic than losing some twit who was foolish enough to let me go.
As this old year passes, I am saying goodbye to it with hope for the new year and a promise of a great year. Without Skippy.
It has been over a year now since we have seen each other. I still miss our relationship. There has been lots of talk on the board about R talks. In some ways, I wish I would have had one with him more recently, if for now other reason than to just get it out. We hear that they do not remember how much their MLC hurts us. I sometimes feel that I need him to KNOW. Not because it would make any difference to our relationship but because the effect on my life was devastating. And I will always bear the scar.
I want to tell him he repeatedly lied to me - and once I stopped trusting him, I realized what a bad liar he was. I want to tell him that he cheated on me. Whatever his mushy brain believes - long distance and only friends. I want to tell him that he abandoned me - more than once - and left me for dead. I want to tell him he profoundly disrespected me and our 18 years together in his abusive words and actions. I want to tell him that I hate him, don't trust him and that crumbs are not enough to fix any of this. I want to tell him I miss the old him and my best friend, so much sometimes I still can't breathe.
And then I want to leave all that in the old year to rot in the past where it all belongs now.
Wishing Everyone a Very Happy New Year full of new beginnings, renewed marriages and renewed strength!!
