Look what the cat dragged in! (TL) - Act 2

[Whiterose]

My S14 also would have nothing to do about talking about how he feels. A few times full on melt downs, internally, when asked even simple questions about himself. I've noticed that the more he sees I'm doing my best to protect him and that his life will not have another bd he is starting to settle. Sometimes he talks most of they time he doesn't. He's becoming more animated again. Eating. Joy. Just be there for him. Assure him you're always there. Assure him that whatever he's feeling is normal and ok but it's good to talk..".dont push. Let him know you're his soft place to land ALWAYS.

It'll be ok.

[TryingToDo180]

Wise words Whiterose I agree, you've just got to let your son know that you're the one that is the constant in his life and is always there for him Since H left, me and my don have established a new routine and we always spend a lot of time together My son knows he can talk to me about whatever is bothering him, but he chooses not to. Sometimes it's easier for them to talk to someone who is not personally involved in the sitch such as a therapist.

[LoisB]

I'm sorry if my suggestions don't work for you.

I guess dealing with a girl is different from dealing with a boy. I have tried to let both my girls know that holding in these feelings will cause them more grief in the end.

I don't care if they kickbox the feelings, scream into pillows, let it out through heavy metal music, drum lessons, write nasty letters (to send or not), visit a therapist, talk to grandparents, listen to sad or angry songs, read poetry, sketch monsters, etc...

The point I make to them...GET IT OUT. All you gotta do is face and identify the feeling.

I think with Asperger's kids, it's more than letting them have a safe place to land. I know how important this is, but my daughter, genuinely, doesn't know what she's feeling at any given time. She has a terrible time identifying a bad or uncomfortable feeling.

She knows she feels yucky but can't express why or what the feeling is. I think, for boys and girls, this is a vital tool in life. Someday, God-willing, they will have their own families and I want my kids to be able to express themselves instead of shoving bad stuff aside. Otherwise, we are setting them up for crisis themselves.

Stuffing these feelings will only continue the cycle. I also don't want them expressing these feelings in dangerous ways. When my parents divorced, I drove 90 to let it out. Considered driving into telephone poles.

We actually have a great opportunity here, with our children, to teach them how to handle overwhelming feelings of grief, anger, sadness AND how to experience JOY in the midst of even the worst times.

We need to use this time wisely.

Take what you need and leave the rest.

Love to All,

Heather

[LoisB]

P.S. I used to think it was best to hide my tears. I don't do that anymore. I don't sit in a lump and cry for hours, but I will admit when I'm teary and sad. It's ok to cry and feel sad. We have every right to feel the bad stuff along with the good stuff. My Aspie daughter is seriously intune with my feelings. It's confusing to her when I "pretend" to be ok when she can sense I'm not. She feels like she is the crazy one for thinking I'm having a bad day. She needs to trust her instincts. God gave her great instincts and I want her to use them to her advantage instead of thinking they are dead wrong.

[TryingToDo180]

LoisB, don't feel bad for giving your suggestions Every child with aspie/autism has different traits and different needs. One thing I've told my son which is very important, is that it's not his fault. He said I know that mum. Another important thing is don't say anything in front of them that you don't want repeated in front of your WAS or want them to hear. They may look like they're not listening, but I know from experience that they are My son has repeated things when I thought he wasn't listening. Keep on giving valuable suggestions Lois, everyone's opinion counts on here

[Pudmuddle]

Personally I think it is simply a teenager thing!! I'm sure the Aspie contributes more to it, but this is a tough age anyway for expressing feelings.

My S also doesn't share much on his feelings, but he does come to me when he needs to, so that is the important thing here. Always let them know you are there for them. One time I just said out of the blue 'You do know I am always here to listen to you right?' No answer from S, but then a few weeks later he came and spilled, all on his own.

We are great moms and they see us that way.

[tigerlily78]

Thanks Heather for your tips. I am going to try some of this. One time my son DID tell his H that he was DISAPPOINTED we didn't get to go to the campground thing. H apologized to him and said, "I am sorry you didn't get to go, but something here was making me uncomfortable (I think uncomfortable was the word he used) and I had to get out of here." I don't really know what son made of that apology.

I think it is also hard for son to really pinpoint what is "wrong"... in our case because H is not obviously "gone", just kind of distant and sometimes negligent, sometimes I yell at H, and he doesn't stay here at night. Son has asked questions and gotten "non-answers" from both of us for the time being. I am sure that must also be confusing and frustrating for him.

I think in a way he just feels like, Dad is messed up right now, and I can't count on him for anything. I also think he probably suspects that "Dad not being at home" means we might split up for real/ for good... but it's not something he has asked about, yet.

[tigerlily78]

I has a very, very dark day yesterday. Very depressed. I think it is the culmination of many things. Cleaning up cat poop under the tree on a nearly daily basis with a non-functioning drier for dealing with the clean up towels (ugh), not sleeping well still, worrying about son, and anxiety about Christmas, etc.

I just stayed in bed trying to sleep until noon, and then sat in bed crying for several hours after that. Cried while washing dishes, cried while making dinner. Was obviously distraught when giving son and H dinner, but no one said anything to me.

I ate, washed the dinner dishes and then took a REALLY long shower and cried some more. Then I just sat in the bathroom in my towel for long while crying some more. I thought about just taking the rest of the bottle of sleeping pills... that then H could have everything he wants and I wouldn't have to be hurting so bad anymore.

H eventually came to the bathroom to take a shower himself before leaving for the night. The door was locked. I told him to just go away, because he doesn't care anyways. He persisted to ask if he should be worried about me, if he needed to call someone. I told him I didn't know. He talked to me for awhile... asked if I wanted to go back to my home state, if I thought that would make me feel better. I said no, I didn't think that would help me right now. He said he would work to make that happen if that's what I needed. I told him I didn't think moving away from my home would make me feel better right now... that I am just so exhausted by everything right now. That I am tired of the hurt.

There were plenty of other things said. I said ridiculous things I am sure. He carefully treaded the line between "I care about you, but I can't be here for you right now." He told me I don't have to worry so much about getting a job now, that I should set that aside and look inside and work on my "more important issues" and something about that he is too deep into working out his own happiness right now to be responsible for my happiness. I pointed out that it seemed ironic, that his advice to me was to look inside and fix my own issues and be responsible for my own happiness... while he is off hitching his hopes and happiness completely to someone else. Someone he just met, not someone he had been in a relationship with for 16 years. Why isn't his advice to himself the same advice he gave to me? He said he doesn't know.

He suggested I should tell my mom about our sitch. I don't know if he remembers that she already knows we were "having problems" I just didn't give her all the humiliating details and that there is an OW. My mom has been very supportive of me "sticking it out and trying to work through our issues". She doesn't know that at this point I am the only one willing to work on it and we are actually "broken up." Broken up, but spending countless hours in the same house. Yeah, that's totally normal.

H at one point offered to lay in the bed with me for awhile if I would just come out. But I didn't. I just didn't want the "fake" comfort, when he would just walk about the door again right afterwards and leave. More talking... eventually he said he was going to leave either way, that I would have to decide what I was going to do. He would call someone if I wanted him to. I did finally come out. He hugged me and I cried some more and then he got ready to go. I told him I knew he wouldn't stay with me, no matter how bad I was. That she was more important than my life now. HE said that wasn't true, that when he offered earlier to go in bed with me, he probably would have stayed... but he has to figure some things out, and he can't do it by staying with me. That he only has one longterm relationship and that he has things to learn that he doesn't think he can learn with me. I thought that was really stupid and selfish, but I didn't say so. I told him I know he feels he has to do this, it just isn't easy for me to accept it.

And then he left. And I still slept terribly. But I am still here.

Today I managed to pull myself around to a better place. I know my son needs me and his life would be so much worse without me. That indulging in my pity party was selfish and unfair to him if nothing else. That he needs one stable parent and I have to find a way to be it, somehow, no matter what.

No H today. He texted some though, I suppose to check on me. I dyed my hair, fixed a board on our futon that had come off, played cards with son after dinner and it was nice. Talked to one of my sisters on the phone for awhile (she has no idea what is going on here). Also put parchment paper around under the tree... hoping that if the cat poops it will at least be on the paper. If not, she may be homeless tomorrow. I am so over this crap.

[job]

Tigerlily,
I'm very sorry to come here and read that you had a very dark day. I do hope that things are a bit better for you now. I know that things are very difficult in your home right now, but please do not ever consider taking your own life. You do not want to leave your son this way and have him wonder in years to come if he may have been the reason why you considered taking your own life. Your son needs you and your family needs you. If you get those feelings again, please call your local crisis hotline and talk to someone.

About the cat, does she have a large litter box? Maybe the cat doesn't like the type of litter you are using. There has to be some reason why she's not doing her business in her box. It could be she senses the stress in your home as animals are sensitive to such things. Go on line and google "My Cat From H@ll". They had a show just last night about the cat not using the litter box. You may be able to get some ideas from that show. Please don't put the kitty out on the street and leave her homeless. If you have to give her up, call the local Animal Rescue League and have them pick her up and hopefully they will find her a new home.

I do hope today is a better day for you. I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

BTW, it's time for you to think about a new thread.

[tigerlily78]

Thank you Job for your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate it very much.

And I realize when I said "the cat might be homeless" that I would definitely give her to a rescue or maybe put her down. I wouldn't just turn her outside in the middle of winter. She is a rather old, fat, dirty, crabby cat... her odds of getting adopted are slim. I am nearly certain she is doing this because of the stress in the house. We have a very spacious litter box and it is kept well maintained. No changes to the litter or any of the other obvious stuff.

New thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2417697&#Post2417697