wife hardens heart-6

[planet]

Christmas Eve AND Christmas is again, a big expectation.

I would be willing to bet that most parents on this board would balk at that.

Not XW. She's not a christian. Christmas don't matter to her. Chinese New Year is a bigger event for us. Now that's a big headache.

Is this a common custody order where you live?

Are holidays not spelled out in the custody order?

Yes. Our system favours the mother. There's no 50/50 custody here either. There are lobby groups but so far there's not much progress.

No. We did not discuss any holiday arrangement.
After all, I did get the best possible visitation right in the agreement. Believe me, it is the best considering what other divorced fathers got.

How did you ask? What words did you use?

Perhaps you should ask for just a little more than what you think you can get and then negotiate. What exactly did she say? What does vicious mean to you? Did you negotiate at all?

I asked softly not in a demanding voice. She was very mean and was quite threatening throughout.
M: Regarding the holidays, can I have the kids for Christmas eve and Christmas? I'll send them back home late in the evening.
XW: Where are they going to sleep?
M: My place.
XW: No.
M: Why not?
XW: I will not let your mother and sister touch them. (baring fangs, I kid you not)
M: C'mon. They are my family as well as theirs (kids)
XW: They've never treated me as family.
M: I just want to spend Christmas with them (kids)
XW: You can stay overnight.
M: I don't want to.
XW: No. You can't take them back.

Doesn't sound like I negotiated at all, huh?

I don't know the history with your family but it sounds like even you agree that they behaved badly. Lots of people say hurtful things and then retreat to "I didn't mean anything bad." That doesn't make it hurt less.

I have lay out some of her gripes.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2374486#Post2374486
Again, I don't think it was done with malicious intent to hurt XW but I now realized I should have backed XW no matter what.

It could take your W a very long time to get over that, if she ever does. You have to figure out how to make the custody work for you in light of that.

I'm not making excuses for your W, just the facts.

I don't know labug. I just don't know.
XW has threaten to commit suicide if I ever take the kids to meet my family. I'm not sure if it's a just a threat or she would do it. I'm leaning towards the latter.

She didn't want my kids near them but I asked for a timeline for her to cool down. She wanted 3 years but I put it at 1 year. She agreed.
It was very early after BD that this was hatched out and I was in a daze. It was stupid of me to do that. I shouldn't have agreed to anything at all.
Later, she wanted this restriction in the joint agreement as well but was shot down by the L as it was an impossible request.

If the best you can do this year is stay very late on Christmas eve and be at the house very early on Christmas morning, then be there.

I hope you will have a good Christmas.

I have made plans with the kids. Not going to stop me anyhow.

You have a wonderful Christmas too. Thank you for everything.