Reaching out for support and advice!!

[juliegayle]

BG. Agree with yisn'therapist that you def did right thing sending him away to work out anger. I believe you were one of the folks who reminded me that regardless of where I was with DBing it was safety first for me and kids.

I know you know by now that your H is dealing with things now that have nothing to do with you. My H has spent many a night in the car. At first I thought he would rather brave hypothermia than be in the house with me but eventually I was able to see it was his dark place that has nothing to do with me no matter what he says.

I think most of us on here would agree that it is complete bs that WAS is living like a Teenager while we keep the family going. But does your H seem happy with his freedom? I know mine isn't. I keep telling myself that during this time S and I are learning skills and putting systems in place and it makes me sad but I now know that we can survive on our own.

[labug]

Had a tough situation with H anger this weekend. Went out to see our favorite live band play at our town festival. My parents, his parents, our kids and several friends were there. H met us there after work. Everything seemed a-ok. We talked, shared a couple drinks, laughed. Kids went home with grandparents and H drove us home. When we got there, he said ok, see you later. I was like what?? So, I hesitated getting out of the vehicle and asked him if everything was ok, does he want to talk about anything, then he got extremely angry. Almost like a rage. I was just confused that he was dropping me off instead of going home like we always have before. I was caught off guard.

He started punching the steering wheel, yelling and cursing he just wants to drive around and have time alone. Things didn't end well. I didn't feel safe. I stayed at my parents that night. H slept in his vehicle on a below 0 night in his work parking lot.

We spoke the next day. He apologized. He cried. He told me he is confused. I asked him to leave for a little while until he can get his anger under control. He's now crashing on a (loser) friends couch. I'm sure reliving the glory days with no responsibility. This feels awful.

Did I do the right thing? Talked to our counselor today. He agreed with me. Our sitch seems more and more hopeless everyday. The kids and I are on our own again. Alone in our home with all the responsiblities while H lives the life of a teenager. Resentment is creeping in again. No phone calls or texts from him to see the kids. Nothing.

It's these unexpected and odd situations that throw me off of my DB. I didn't push or pressure him.

How much did her drink that night? it's not an excuse but it can cause unexpected reactions.

If that happens again and he says he's leaving say, "OK, have a good time." or whatever. Do yo see how what you said could be perceived as pressure? Understandable from our point of view but not to someone who wants no pressure from anyone.

He's an adult he can take care of himself. It might not be your choice of a way to take care of self but it's his.

Leave him to it.

It's hard, take care of yourself.

[bluesgal]

Yes, Melissa, only 1% of those fears are ever realized. So true. I've dropped so much unnecessary worry from my life with ease. I just can't get my M ending off my mind.

Julie-My H seems happy with his freedom every once in a great while, then it seems reality sinks in. He has admitted he is not happy, hasn't been for a long time. It is frustrating that he seems so stuck at this point. Why won't he move forward!! He has agreed to go to couples counseling. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

Labug-Yes, now I totally see that as pressure. Had a few drinks...not a lot, but enough to change his thought processes I suppose. I didn't see it as pressure at the time because I was so surprised. I get it now. Not sure how I can focus quick enough in the future to let it go. I'll have to work on it.

[bluesgal]

Well, we've had a turn of events.

My H has been slowly getting more and more unpredictable and disrespectful with his choices. Most recently, he took a large sum of cash out of our checking account without reason or informing me. He also has had no contact with his kids. (Very out of character pre-bomb)

My kids have been so upset by their dads absence and I have been so worried with the $$ situation, I finally called a L this morning and decided to file for legal separation. I cannot let my family be financially destitute while he lives like a teenager.

After consult with my L, I texted my H with the info about my choice and what it means and left it at that. My H immediately called me (He never calls me anymore) and we spoke for 2 hours.

He said this is not what he wants. He wants to try to work things out, but doesn't know how. He doesn't want to hurt the kids but can't seem to dig himself out of this hole. He is hurting and depressed.

He asked to move home (he's been out a couple of days because of his anger scaring me) He asked if we could try to work things out, but take it slow. He wants to go to counseling.

Now, I am not excited. I know he is emotional and this is another peak of his rollercoaster. I believe that he wants to work things out, but can't see how. I don't know how either. Any advice? I don't know where to start with this. I am very calm right now. I know that he may change his mind again, soon. I would like to do my best when he is willing to 'try'.

[juliegayle]

Hey I just saw your post from a few days ago. How are you and kids? Any new developments?

[labug]

Yes, how are things?

[bluesgal]

Well, H is a mixed bag. He is more emotionally distant than ever. He says he feels next to nothing for me. Just wants to make it through the holidays. He wants to 'try' for the kids.

His actions couldn't be further from trying. He is so far gone. Angry, resentful. He started smoking. He has never smoked and even has asthma...I don't get it!!

We had a wonderful weekend. Family movie night, watched breaking bad together. Today was church, bakery, sledding, football. Everything was great, but I could tell he was antsy. He starts to get that nervous twitch with his leg. Whenever he gets like this, he needs to leave and take a drive around. Nothing seems to trigger it, but he definitely has anxiety. I just wait for him to come to me and tell me he wants to leave for awhile...and he did just that.

I don't want to sleep in this bed alone anymore. I hate not having a partner and friend. Where is he? The more time apart we take, the further he pushes me/us away. He actually told me about a week ago that if it weren't for the kids, I would never see him again. How can anyone say such hurtful comments?

I feel like I'm close to throwing in the towel. As I lay in this bed, my son is keeping me company. He will sleep here tonight. These kids are what's keeping me going, but I don't know how much longer.

[labug]

What does throwing in the towel mean to you?

[bluesgal]

I'm not sure. I guess it makes me feel like I can stop the pain I'm feeling. Like H can't reject me if I reject this situation. I feel so hopeless. I had another sleepless night and upset stomach. H is not going to participate in our traditional Christmas activities this year. It makes me so sad that his hatred for me and my family would make him not even want to participate.

He will miss his kids opening gifts and playing with them the first time. He will miss everything...and that is a choice he is making. I want to separate myself from this. I know...detach. Struggling. I was having a much easier time detaching when the kids and I moved out. Now, to see him and be in the same room. That is so hard.

His words last night "I feel next to nothing for you" rang in my head with every toss and turn in my failed sleep.

[labug]

This is such a difficult time of year for family problems.

Does throwing in the towel mean filing for D? You probably know that that's not going to stop the pain and it creates it's own pain. I'm not saying you should or you shouldn't, only you can know when that time is.

But the process of working through this is the important piece. Don't throw in that particular towel.

I won't tell you to detach, but do things that feel good for you. You can still enjoy your children and the other family events. It won't be like other years but it can still be OK.

In his current state, he's not going to be a lot of fun. That's the reality so do the best you can without him.