Finding nuggets of gold on this Great Big Hill

[Pudmuddle]

I posted something here a few days ago and it seems to have gone mia...sheesh.

Anyhoo, here is what I had posted on fb:
Ok, so things were going ok, kind of status quo. H was out grocery shopping. S and I were leaving in the car to go get presents from S to H and we saw H come down the same road towards us. We both stopped and rolled down windows. We told H we were going to a store to xmas shop. He then told us 'ok, I am going out tonight so I'll see you guys later.' For some reason, it still shocks me when he does this.

In the car, as we departed, I suddenly got really quiet. S knew it had bothered me. He didn't say anything but he reached over and patted my leg. He kept looking at me, I think to see if I was crying. I did not. But I did want to tell H 'We are going shopping for YOU, you @ss, and you tell us you are going out!!'

I tried to change my mood, but I felt like crying. I know I have to let him go but why does he hang around, make sure we are all set with housework, groceries and then we do nice things together and he still leaves. I know why, but it still hurts like heck.

In the store, I accidentally muttered out loud so S heard 'I don't even know why I'm buying him anything'. I wasn't buying him stuff right then but it was for S to buy his Dad stuff. Gawd, this stuff [censored]. It [censored] mostly because S could tell it was hurting me and I try to be so strong. But it is so hard.

I'm now in my room typing this and crying. Boohoo.


Then after this posting and him not coming home all night til 11 the next day, I was angry and hurt. I went down to his bathroom and found a new prescrip of viagra, so I flushed them all down the toilet. A moment of anger and a bad choice. He still hasn't noticed yet and I'm wondering when he will. It was a brand new prescrip so it was full of pills. Why does this make me so angry? His other person is 12 years younger so that would explain him wanting to perform for long periods. But then those thoughts get my mind spinning. Ugh.

This makes me so sad. I get so tired of all of this. I feel I want to throw in the towel too. I've asked or mentioned several times now that he needs to move out and he just keeps things status quo. It feels like he holds that power over me. I hate that thought...go away. I also wonder if he is giving her a gift for Christmas...and that hurts. Why do I allow this to hurt me.

Sometimes I think I am over the hurt and I am just not, it is buried deep and hurts like hell. So hard to maintain grace and dignity...I want to shake things up and do something that will make him take action, regardless of what it is. I don't care if he would want a divorce, at least it would be some movement. I think you all can tell that patience is not my strong suit. That has always been my way, to shake things up just to get some attention. Feels sad to want to do that now.

I want him out of here if he cannot want to participate fully in this marriage. I miss my family unit deeply. I miss doing things as a family, together all of us, wanting to be there and enjoy each other. I hate feeling alone when in my house.

Pity party for 1, table 5. Blech.