not as scared or confused. . still hopeful (II)

[juliegayle]

You are right Labug it probably was a mess. I am getting stronger everyday. My therapist is surprised I went to a meeting so soon and said it is a good ssign of how far I have come in a few months.

H was in a decent mood when he got home so I took a risk and told him about how I had come home the other night and found him passed out with food burning in oven. I showed him the new smoke detector I installed today above the stove. He apologized and thanked me for taking care of it. I told him I only brought it up for concern for s safety and then dropped the convo.

He told me a story about work ( first time in weeks). And then told me a silly pun he thought up. I gave him a har har you are so cheesy kind of laugh and he smiled at me for the first time since BD.

I am calling all of it baby steps toward my goal of being amicable for S sake.

My therapist thinks I should get his family involved in talking to him about drinking. I don't know. I will see how things go when they are in town for Christmas.

[bluesgal]

Positive baby steps all while protecting your son!! Happy for you julie!

[bluesgal]

Hey Julie-checking on you. How are things going?

[labug]

Julie, read a couple of your posts on other threads. You sound good.

Hope you are. ((( )))

[juliegayle]

Hi BG and Labug. Thanks for checking on me. I have been reading a lot of threads current and past and finding bits of insight. Not much new to report.

I had a really good therapy session a few days ago. I went in and told her I was done wasting my sessions talking about H and I was ready to really focus on me. I had brought a list of things that I wanted to "figure out." Such as how to get past always imagining worse case scenario (all the what ifs). How to stop trying to control the future. How to truly forgive. I told her I wanted to learn to knit and do yoga (yes I did read Melissa and Labug's posts a few minutes ago!) because I have always wanted to do both and i thought they were both activities that would help quiet my mind. Turns out my therapist is also a licensed yoga instructor so she taught v me a simple routine to get started.

Home stitch unchanged. H is drinking more and spending more nights away. I am managing to stay "outside of the situation" except in cases where the kids are involved. He really doesn't talk to me so not much opportunity for him to see the changes I have been making but I am doing it for me right.

Work has been crazy and I have really neglected housework. Since H completely checked out of that department and I have been doing it all I have found that I really take pride in the house looking good. I don't know why I hated it so much. I have a full day to get the house back in shape before in laws arrive!

[juliegayle]

So I hathathad a bunch of muddled thoughts in my head that I want to get out on paper (or screen) to see if I can make sense of it. I know I am not supposed to mind read or figure out motives of WAS but I just can't wrap my head around the timeline.

H is still involved with OW and still lying about it. (I do not ask about her anymore or ever ask about his whereabouts). About a month into A his drinking increased. I don't know what or if there is a connection. Every one keeps saying I can't separate the A and the addiction but that doesn't make sense to me. (Didn't get any insight on this yet at Alanon)

You always hear stories about people involved in A changing their appearance. Working out more and dressing up etc. H and his addictive personality was almost obsessed with fitness. He ran regularly, went to gym and was very concious of what he ate. He always encouraged me to exercise more and over this past summer we experimented with vegan cooking together. He lookef GOOD. I always felt people were thinking.. what is he doing with her (I know that was my own insecurity)

Since he began with OW in the fall he has not been running once. He eats like crap. He has grown a bushy beard. I am not even sure if he does laundry any more. I have no idea what is happening to him.

Here is this man I loved so much on a downward spiral and there is nothing I can do but get out of the way.

[bluesgal]

Julie-again, so many similarities. Has your H suffered from depression in the past? Did he have those tendencies?

I will tell you about my experience and you can compare: My H used to be into fitness-a fairly on/off regimen, but always interested and at times has really lost a lot of weight and looked great.

Since the A, he has been drinking excessively (much less now, but when it first started, it was a lot) his weight is the highest it's ever been. I've noticed he has had to buy new jeans in a bigger size he's ever been. In fact, when we went sledding this weekend, he couldn't find any old pants that fit him, so he wore windpants in 12 degree weather.

His eating habits are horrible-gas station food, chips, fast food, crap. His stomach is giving him problems (tums in his truck). He started smoking??? Totally weird since he has asthma-inhaler and all.

He lays around and watches TV almost constantly when he's home. I know his oral and personal hygiene were super lacking as well.

This is not him. What gives. This is not the MLC behavior one would expect.

And the downward spiral? I get you there. I guess I will follow your lead and just get out of the way. I can't fight this any longer.

So, maybe your H follows more WAS/depression?? I guess it doesn't change the DB techniques, but I know what you mean about the confusion.

Sounds like you have a good connection with your C and I'm glad to see you turn the tables and work on you. I was going to tell my C the same thing at our next session!

You sound like you have a new accepting/confident tone in your writing. I hope that is the case. Keep going Julie!

[3boymom]

Julie - I am right there with you. My H was very similar. The OW is an alcoholic and my H's alcohol increased skyrocketed when he started spending time with her. They both got a DUI within the span of a few months. Although his behavior was totally out of the norm in "our" life, it fit right in with her normal behavior and I guess made it okay in H's eyes. It was hard to watch.

You sound stronger!!

Merry Christmas! Have a wonderful time with your son

[juliegayle]

BG yes to all of the above. H never was officially diagnosed with depression but there has def been signs over the years. My H doesn't slump in front of the tv but he has thrown himself into these detailed and time consuming crafts like woodworking. He will spend 5 to 6 hours completely focused and ignore everything else including kids. To me it is just another form of escapism.

3 thank you I do feel stronger. And you sound better than a few days ago as well!

Today I have s to myself and ssons come tomorrow night. Happy holidays to everyone.

[labug]

Hope you have a lovely time, Julie.