S20+364 days and saw Anchorman 2 yesterday (very funny in the goofy Will Ferrell style) and then had some great Mexican food after. One of the lines in the movie is Ron Burgandy says he was born in Oaxaca so it was a theme night.:)
Going to the movie and dinner was an early BD present from me.
S20 and I have had some serious problems over the time that H was on his walkabout (thanks, RT). There was a point in time when we were barely speaking, now we enjoy each other's company, have fun and respect each other.
That has only happened because I was able to stop trying to control him and show that I respected him. I might not always agree with him or his choices but his life, is his life.
When H left I was so out of control. I had lost my H and my marriage, my mother had died one year before and S24 left to attend school during the summer. I can remember saying to my IC on several occasions, "I can't loose anyone else!" So I had S20 in a vice grip.
It wasn't healthy and it's so easy to see now in retrospect. Thanks to my IC and the good folks here, I turned that around and we now we have a R that works for both of us.
Maybe I'll make a point of he and I getting together on the 20th for our own celebration.
Love that kid.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Makes perfect sense. We become a control monster to try to avoid those things we fear but that control is the very thing that drives those we love away.
This is exactly what happened to me. I tried to manipulate my H into loving me instead of just letting him love me on his own . . . it didn't work out so well.
Glad you had a nice evening with your S, and that you have been able to repair your R with him.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Just stpopping by to say hi. To read about the wondeful life you are choosing to create for yourself and your family and to learn from you.
Love you, dear friend.
Happy holidays...
(((((((bug))))))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Hi bug that is a great account of the day you had with your son. With the help of this place I am finally understanding this control issue and am more conscious of how even in subtle ways I tried to stay in control of everything.
I wish you and your family all of the best this holiday season. Love you bug!
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
bug,I am reading along. my s20 is away at college and s17 home. I have to remind myself not to smother s17. that fear comes around sometimes... oh no, s17 will only have one more year at home and then he too will be gone. s20 is the one I need to let "be" a little more. it is a fine balance as parents
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
In the midst of the hustle and bustle of holidays and birthday, S 21 went out for a few hours in the afternoon with some friends and I was here in my cozy little house all by myself.
I had a small project to work on. I have a good friend with multiple chemical sensitivities and she didn't decorate in any way this year. I turned on White Christmas and got busy making a tree (about 12 inches tall) out of a cone and jute twine with a little gold ribbon.
In the midst of that I had such a peaceful feeling. I recognized it and enjoyed it.
I think I would have felt that no matter the state of my sitch because this feeling was about me and being completely OK with me.
On the R front, H and I took S21 out to dinner for his birthday. H's first experience with sushi, sashimi, nigiri. He tried it, not crazy about it but he tried it.
Here's what I noticed about me, where my work is. A few things happened during the evening that made me want to fix. (almost like made me want to use, huh?) When H arrived he looked either unhappy or in pain. I asked "Are you OK?" he said yes but I could feel the "I have to make this better anxiety" creeping in...but I am present enough now to ask myself, what is this I'm feeling, is it mine to do anything about it?
My answers: I'm feeling anxiety for no reason because he said he's fine. If he's not fine, it's his unless he asks for my help. And no matter how he's feeling, it doesn't have to change how I'm feeling.
Bam! I sat down and continued to enjoy the peace and White Christmas.
There were a couple of other incidents. We had given S21 the time we wanted to leave because of traffic, length of drive, etc and he was late. I was OK with that but I wanted to make H OK with it and he hadn't even said anything to make me think he wasn't OK with it. Again, not mine. We did talk about an alternative plan.
So I have lots of old stuff that's popping up and having this opportunity to continue to work on me is good. When making custard there's a point where eggs are added to scalded milk. If you mix the eggs and then add them directly into the hot milk, you will have hot milk with scrambled eggs, not custard.
To prevent that the eggs must be tempered. To do that, the eggs are placed in a bowl and whisked. Hot milk is added gradually to the eggs and whisked, bringing up the temp of the eggs without cooking them. The egg mixture can then be added to the scalded milk and the result can be a very lovely, creamy smooth custard.
I like to think of this phase of my process as tempering. These small amounts of challenging interaction with H are allowing me to slowly incorporate him into my life without making scrambled egg of it.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Good stuff Bugsy. I'm going through similar things. Last night my GF annoyed me when I picked her up from work. She is very stressed about buying gifts and all that goes with the season. So when we got home I said to her I'd rather have peace over presents. I sat and told myself I would not allow anything ruin my mood. So I'm learning to say what I think instead of recenting it later and getting pissed. Baby steps and Merry Christmas
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
One more example came to mind from your post Bugsy. I remember something that used to really piss my exw off. Whenever she was sick I offered the world to fix her. I would have tried an invent a new medication so that she could feel better and not be sick. I cared so much about her that I just didn't want her being sick. The reality is that she wanted to feel sick, and deal with it her own way and not be bothered by me. In looking back, it was pretty insensitive from my part even tho that wasn't my intention.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
