The Brave Man

[JFun51]

Thanks Lostforwords. Trying to learn how to live my life differently. When everyone here says they wouldn't trade this for anything, I get it. As I work on my own transformation, it is very rewarding.

[Lostforwords]

Welcome to the first step.....If you do the work, you will change your world. That is something I guarantee you.

[JFun51]

Holiday Roller Coaster has begun already. Run down of my day:

Sunday School with S10, great lesson about understanding why we really make the decisions we make.

Church service as W and S12 joined us for that. Watched 2 baptisms and was reminded of new beginnings. Almost got the best of me watching little ones with their lives ahead of them. So beautiful.

Uneventful lunch afterwards.

MIL, BIL, and his wife came to visit. I cleaned up the house before they arrived. I was friendly and talkative. I like the new me. W was completely distracted the whole time. Had her phone out on her lap while they were there texting the entire time. Her family and she was doing it to them. Found out we missed a family function with her dad yesterday. She still hadn't spoke to him for 6 weeks.

Went Christmas caroling with a church group to nursing home and some of out shut ins in our congregation. While family went. Very rewarding. Last lady we visited was moved to tears by our presence. So were we. One year ago, this was WAY outside my comfort zone. Proud if myself and my boys for giving a few hours to make peoples lives better.

Bad part in the next post...

[JFun51]

Nasty part:

As soon as we got home, W initiates R talk. Last time we had one if these was Thanksgiving. Surprise, surprise. Here's the rundown:

-We need to figure out what we are gonna do.
-Why the hell would you stay here?
-People don't just change overnight.
-Everyone talks about how you've changed.
-Not an MLC
-I'm not leaving this house.
-I'm not leaving my kids.
-Nothing I have to do for them is ever a burden. They are my top priority
-This isn't living.
-I am not happy.
-I am miserable. About 40 times
-We don't talk at all.
-I never know where you are or what you are doing.

I validated, kept my cool, DBed as hard as I could. I saw this one coming a mile away and was ready for it. When I did talk, I helped her lead herself into her own contradictions. I repeated her for clarification. I did let her know that I have heard her. Since last R talk, I have been staying out of her way. Since last R talk, I have given her space that she requested. At one point, she was so busy looking for a reaction from me, she couldn't even finish her sentence.

Nuggets: She doesn't know what she gets out of OM. Doesn't know why she does it. Everyone says good things about me. She admitted she had been "not herself" for a long time. It wasn't just at home. She hates her job and all responsibility. Not paying bills has nothing to go with me. Big step.

I left her to stew as I'm headed out to get some last minute gift items.

[Lostforwords]

That isn't bad at all.....You are making changes in yourself and people are noticing. The added bonus.....you had a heated relationship conversation and kept control of your emotions.

Well done

I also like she gave you something to talk with her about....that isn't relationship centered. I might take more interest how her days at work went. Just for a few days and see what happens.....just sayin.

[JFun51]

I do not like this ride. I do not like this alien woman in my house. I'm about ready to throw in the towel. I'm exhausted all the time. I can be a good father to my kids without this BS. Do people actually survive this and bust the divorce?

[Whiterose]

I think you did great with that conversation.......you kept control and allowed her to say what craziness she needed to.

It's an exhausting time of year and add out mlc spouse and it's overwhelming. You're doing great

[indigo1]

Keep up the good work JF. And for W's information it has not been over night, its been over 5 months to work on change. People throw rocks at things that shine buddy, and that's what W is doing to you. If she wants out so bad, I'm sure she can find the door thru all the fog if she tried.

Tough stuff to hear from her for sure, but sounds like you did a great job in handling all that. Just make Christmas for you S's as enjoyable as possible. Let her sit there and be miserable.

[uRworthy]

Hi sweetie. I am sorry things are so hard. If you feel you cannot do this any longer, that is your choice.

I just want to say some stuff if I may.

Having gotten to know you a bit, I am going to go out on a limb here and say that you are not going to be ok with yourself without having given this your best effort.

You have been doing wonderfully. I think you need to detach more. That is key. Just live your lffe, man. Do what you want. Be who you want to be. Leave her to figure herself out.

You should be continuing to move forward in your life. Looking within to slay your demons. Figuring out what you want in your life. Becoming the father you want to be.

I know you are frustrated by all this. It happens around this point. The thing is that you feel as if you have no control.

But what you have to realize is that you do. You get to control how you act and who you are. You get to decide when you have had enough.

I decided to continue because I wanted to be able to say I did everything I could do save my marriage. That was because of the vows I took and because of my son.

I wanted to be able to answer yes if he asked did I do everything I could. And he did ask.

I am not saying to do that at the expense of you. If you truly cannot do this anymore, then dont.

So, let's talk about what is really getting to you.

Then we can think about some boundaries you can place in order to protect yourself.

[JFun51]

Thanks UR. Just had a little pity party last night. It's so frustrating. You are right in that I won't be satisfied if I don't give it my all. It seems there have been several of these times where I felt so great about myself for things I had done to better myself and W always steps up to destroy it with crap.

As I reflect this morning, last nights R talk contained no new information, no revelations, nothing she hasn't said before. Also, I still went caroling with my sons and others to bring a little happiness to folks that really needed it. A beautiful lady was brought to tears last night because of our presence and our act of kindness. That was a moving experience that I shared with my sons and that is what was new and important last night. I was moved to tears by that moment, not the moment when my W told me she didn't love me again.

I am OK. I am tired and frustrated, but I am OK. Going to see my mother for Christmas today. I'm going to have a great time and enjoy being with her. That is my choice and she cannot F that up no matter how hard she tries.