Look what the cat dragged in! (TL) - Act 2

[LoisB]

I had a very nice time at my holiday party. Great food and conversation. It reminded me that I AM a fun and well liked person... it really is my H that has the issues. Made some new friends too, hopefully will get to do some GALing with them in the future.

Tiger,

YES!! You ARE FUN and nice and it's not YOU having the issues. IT'S HIM. I'm glad you gave yourself a chance to see this. It's crazy, isn't it?? We spend all this time feeling rejected and being hard on ourselves for not meeting the needs of our spouses. Then, we push ourselves out there and realize that we aren't such lousy human beings after all. In fact, we are pretty doggone amazing!! We are fun and like to laugh and have funny stories to tell...

As far as your son is concerned. I've been working on this whole expressing feeling thing with my D11 (Aspie too). With my D11, she has a hard time identifying feelings and that's where I'm starting. I'm using a chart--something she thinks is stupid--but, until she can really identify the difference between anger and irritation or tired and annoyed...well, we are going to keep on using the worksheet.

I've noticed that, when she expresses the feelings, the depression lifts. The hard part, with an aspie especially, is to get the feelings OUT. A few nights ago, I had my D19 and her bestie talk to her and write down the things she said.

"So, do you want to see dad tomorrow?"
D11: No.
D19: Because????
D11: He's stupid.
D19: Why is he stupid. What is he doing that you think is stupid?
D11: He has done lots of stuff that is stupid. I think he is dumb.
D19: YOu sound angry. Are you angry with dad?
D11: Yeah.
D19: How come? What's one thing he did that makes you angry?
D11: He lives with the stupid lady.

On and on it goes. But, as she talks, she becomes lighter. Visibly, in her face, you can see her lighten up.

I know how hard it is.

Another thing I've been trying...I've been helping her along some. I can sense, as her mom, what feeling she is struggling with. I suggest the feeling..."D11, are you feeling afraid about Dad coming over?"

Usually, I get a NO. But, if I persist and throw out a few more feelings, she will add something to the conversation. "Mom, I'm mad."

About what?...She may be vague in her answer, but I help fill in the blanks. I will say, "So, you are saying that you feel mad with Dad (or whomever) because he said such and such. Is this right?" Then, she will clarify if I'm on target or not.

I know you have your own way of working with him. This is just what works with my Daughter.

I think you are doing great. And, you are doing without much to any support. I hope you are giving yourself some props for this. And, I think your job application is AWESOME!!

Some wonderful job is right around the corner.

Lots of love to you,

Heather