It's Not Over 'Till It's Over

[Fight4MyWife]

Well I have definitely been backsliding a lot this past week & feeling very emotional, with a constant urge to contact my wife & discuss things with her.

I can be positive & strong for a while but I notice that whenever talks of the house, finances, legal action happen it sets off my emotions again.

I try as much as possible to suppress the urge to contact my wife & ask questions of why etc, but sometimes that urge just will not go away until I succumb to it, but then I regret it afterwards if I do succumb to it.

I sometime find myself thinking I will pull back & have limited contact with my wife as soon as I send this 1 text message or get this 1 thing off my chest. Then a couple of days later there will be another thing. I also think my mind comes up with reasons to make contact & I justify it to myself, as it may be about our son or something, but I think my mind is coming up with excuses to make contact.

I had made a list of stuff that I wanted to talk to my wife about, but all of it was stuff "I" wanted answers to, or reasoning etc. I have suppressed it all week. Last night when dropping my son off I suggested to my wife that we all go out for some food together on Thursday, she declined & then I felt deflated & emotional again.

Later I sent her a text message saying "can we talk" & intended to discuss the things that were bothering me, fortunately she never replied so I still have not discussed anything really, so I am now going to let this stuff go, as I know I should.

Ever since discussing the house I have been very emotional and feeling desperate & needy again. I think I have found a grain of strength inside myself today and I am now dusting myself off & getting back on track & detaching.

My wife has just sent me a text message about something minor & I feel I should just ignore it & not respond. However she may think I playing games & being awkward ignoring her message just because she often ignores mine.

[melissag]

People say you should do it for yourself & become a better person with or without your wife, but I don't want to be without my wife, all I want is my wife back so I don't think I can stop spinning, worrying, obsessing over her.

Yes my emotions are certainly driving my actions & they always have done.

F4, how has it worked for you in the past to allow your emotions to drive your actions? I ask because I know that it has not worked well for me. When something is not working well, we need to try something else. Have you read the chapter in DR about cheeseless tunnels?

In the same vein . . . of course you want your W back. That's why you are here. If you look at how things have gone so far, ask yourself whether initiating R talks, asking her for answers, etc. have helped your sitch.

Is obsessing over your W helping your sitch? Is it helping you? Or is it hurting you?






I am a very emotional person, I get very sentimental & nostalgic about things. Even when me & wife were together I was very emotional & my emotions would drive my actions. [/quote]

[melissag]

sorry, I really should preview post before submitting.

[Fight4MyWife]

F4, how has it worked for you in the past to allow your emotions to drive your actions? I ask because I know that it has not worked well for me. When something is not working well, we need to try something else. Have you read the chapter in DR about cheeseless tunnels?

In the same vein . . . of course you want your W back. That's why you are here. If you look at how things have gone so far, ask yourself whether initiating R talks, asking her for answers, etc. have helped your sitch.

Is obsessing over your W helping your sitch? Is it helping you? Or is it hurting you?

Yes I have read DR and I understand everything you are saying intellectually, it is applying this is the moment & overcoming, suppressing the emotions & urges that is so difficult to do.

[Fight4MyWife]

I don't want to be too easily available for my wife now every time she texts or calls, especially as she has ignored many of my communication.

She text me today & I didn't respond & she has now just called but I didn't answer.

Not really sure how far to take this without coming across as being cold or moody & making her too angry?

[Wonka]

F4MW,

To aid you here a bit more, ask yourself:

"Does this require an answer?" If not, then don't text back.

If yes, sure...go ahead and text back. Also injecting humor or some light-heartened comment helps a long way in repairing the communication breakdown.

The key is not to jump and text right away as it gives the appearance that you're looking at your smartphone very moment.

[Fight4MyWife]

I honestly can not resist the urge to phone, text or email my wife when I have something I want to say & get off my chest.

I can sometimes go 2, 3 or even 4 weeks with limited contact, just been friendly and confident, applying the DB principles, but eventually I get something in my head that I feel I want to say/express, I resist for maybe a day or 2 then eventually I phone, text or email.

[melissag]

I honestly can not resist the urge to phone, text or email my wife when I have something I want to say & get off my chest.

I can sometimes go 2, 3 or even 4 weeks with limited contact, just been friendly and confident, applying the DB principles, but eventually I get something in my head that I feel I want to say/express, I resist for maybe a day or 2 then eventually I phone, text or email.

Yes you can. It's a choice you make, and you are telling yourself that you can't control it in order to justify doing it.

If contacting her is hurting you or your sitch, the excuse for doing it doesn't really matter, does it?

[Fight4MyWife]

At first I would contact her out of desperation, however this last few days I have actually begun to feel the most detached I have ever been & feeling that I can be happy with my life whatever happens.

This actually gave me the attitude of "I've got nothing to lose" by contacting her. If it does harm my situation then it doesn't matter cos I can be happy whatever & it "might actually help my situation and she'll come running back with open arms", obviously that didn't happen and I regret contacting her now.

Whether it's out of desperation or indifference to the outcome when I have something I want to express I find it very hard not to express it, this has always been the case even with trivial things. It will niggle & bug me constantly & the only way that feeling will go away is when I give in & express what I want to get off my chest.

[Fight4MyWife]

Also sometimes I get so angry and worked up by how she is behaving I just want to let her know how childish & unreasonable she is being.

Right now is one of those times.