Coming Back To Life

[BrightFuture]

Thanks, job and Pud. I really don’t know how to tell my family to stop pressuring me. They gave me so much support during last 18 months. Normally I try to have a happy attitude when I go there. These last few weeks I was just a mess, and I think this prompted them to get on my case even harder. My sister didn’t call yesterday like she would normally do before going for work. I suspect she feels a little guilty, but would not back off from she said to me.

Job, my H always was a party guy, but he tried to behave like a mature adult. I said “tried” because I don’t know if it was always a mask, and deep down he just never resolved his issues and still was in a teenage state, if that is possible. I think when my son graduated from high school, my H started to behave a little different at the parties. He wanted to be silly, making more and more provocative and inappropriate jokes. He was still trying to keep his face with me, because sometimes I would not approve some of the behavior, or he thought that I would not approve. I guess he got rid of the chains, and now can do whatever he wants with whoever he wants to. The crowd he hangs around at the vacation home (mostly his age and older retired people) perfectly fits him. They drink, make inappropriate jokes, use dirty language, and party all the time. A couple of these people behave like teenagers too, and they are his best buddies from what I’ve heard.

The question I’m asking myself is what if this is who H is and always has been. I don’t want to be part of it. Well, unless I go into my own MLC, LOL.

I sent a reply to H’s e-mail this morning, the one about the cork production. I said that it is a fascinating story, that the pictures look like the once I have, and I wish I would have seen the whole process. I purposely didn’t mentioned “us” or “we”. Will see if he responds, but I’m not holding my breath, just curious. I also sent an e-mail asking him to send the company file again, because he forgot to attach it. I don’t know how often he is going to check his e-mail, since he is officially on a long term vacation now. I need the file to do the payroll tomorrow.

I’m trying to process my feelings and stay positive. I’ve been cycling so fast between the feelings that I’m done and need to finish the whole thing and the “phantom” feelings that this is not the end and somehow it is all fixable. I didn’t sleep well last night and kept fighting with all kinds of fears. This morning I woke up and had this weird thought that H is going to be back one day and everything is going to work out just fine. I hate this. It is like my mind tells me it is over, but my heart is putting so much resistance. Somehow I need to figure out the way how to align my mind and my heart.