My Picnic Blanket

[keep_going]

In my head I can understand that MLC will take as long as it takes... I wish I could put a timeframe on it.

Why does it matter how long? If you knew it would be over on Jan. 1st of 2014, then what? Your H might still not come back then... And if he doesn't then what? Will you stop talking to him? Really think about this one - as you know, nobody really has the answer to this question, but most importantly, the answer doesn't help Busting in any way. Just a cheeseless tunnel...

I feel like I am in a constant state of 'waking up'. My feelings come into meaning for me. I feel like I am understanding love, and friendship now. What was wrong with me before? How did I think? How did I maintain relationships? Its like I was living in la la land. I cant imagine how i would be raising my kids if I had not had this experience. I am still figuring things out, but when I do struggle I know I have skills, and places to seek support that before I never had.

This ^^^^ I just love and I am there with you. I know exactly what you mean because I feel the same way. This is where we need to keep our focus and make this awareness keep expanding so we become better each day (and something else to be grateful for).

I dont know. Right now I think clean break OR a R are the only options to make a great life for the kids.

Busting, I am not sure I understand what a clean break means to you, but since you are talking about what would make a great life for your kids, I would add that a great life would include both their Mom and Dad, REGARDLESS of if they are together or not. This is the hardest part, and where ACCEPTANCE comes in. Getting to the point where you can think, even if H ends up not coming back, I will make sure to allow him to be there for the kids AS MUCH AS HE WANTS.

You cannot control how and when he decides to be with the kids and if he comes to their school performances or not. So it's best for YOU to let go of that and accept that he may or may not show up. If he shows up, great - you will be happy for the kids. If he doesn't, that's fine too. You will be there to cheer them on and support them.

If by clean slate you mean that you'd have zero contact and he wouldn't have access to the kids, then I'd ask you to think if that is really the best for the kids.

A part of me wants to let H go and leave him in the past and a part of me wants allow myself to be excited sbout the holidays.
We will get there in terms of detachment. I now we will.

You have a choice here. You can choose to be excited about the holidays. You can choose to do so REGARDLESS of if your H is there or not. You can choose to ignore his actions if he is rude or dismissive toward you. You can choose to focus on the kids and being present and zoning anything negative out.
Not easy, but the more you choose to be in the present and focus on the good, the faster you will get to detach and the easier it will become. It takes practice.


I think the key for you (in my humble opinion) is ACCEPTANCE.

You had written that you do not want to give up on having an intact family and on having your H be there for the kids. You can still HOPE for it, yet it's out of your control. You cannot force your H.

FOR NOW, your reality is that you are NOT an intact family and that your H is most of the time NOT there for the kids.

Will this be forever? Nobody knows...

But for NOW, this is it.

So the sooner you accept that this is it, the sooner you will find that elusive detachment.

It doesn't mean you need to like it, but it means that you live a good life DESPITE OF IT.

And that is where CHOICE comes in. A daily, hourly conscious choice to be happy and present and make the best of what you have NOW despite it not being what you want.

But if you dwell on what you don't have and what your life is NOT at this point, you will be stuck and powerless and unhappy.

Is that where you want to be? Right now? In 1 hr? In 1 day? During the holidays? In the new year?

YOUR LIFE, YOUR CHOICE!

IDK, I hope I am making sense. I love you, dear friend. You are an amazing woman. You can do this! CHOOSE to do this!
(((((((((((((((busting))))))))