My Picnic Blanket

[keep_going]

In my head I can understand that MLC will take as long as it takes... I wish I could put a timeframe on it.

Why does it matter how long? If you knew it would be over on Jan. 1st of 2014, then what? Your H might still not come back then... And if he doesn't then what? Will you stop talking to him? Really think about this one - as you know, nobody really has the answer to this question, but most importantly, the answer doesn't help Busting in any way. Just a cheeseless tunnel...

I feel like I am in a constant state of 'waking up'. My feelings come into meaning for me. I feel like I am understanding love, and friendship now. What was wrong with me before? How did I think? How did I maintain relationships? Its like I was living in la la land. I cant imagine how i would be raising my kids if I had not had this experience. I am still figuring things out, but when I do struggle I know I have skills, and places to seek support that before I never had.

This ^^^^ I just love and I am there with you. I know exactly what you mean because I feel the same way. This is where we need to keep our focus and make this awareness keep expanding so we become better each day (and something else to be grateful for).

I dont know. Right now I think clean break OR a R are the only options to make a great life for the kids.

Busting, I am not sure I understand what a clean break means to you, but since you are talking about what would make a great life for your kids, I would add that a great life would include both their Mom and Dad, REGARDLESS of if they are together or not. This is the hardest part, and where ACCEPTANCE comes in. Getting to the point where you can think, even if H ends up not coming back, I will make sure to allow him to be there for the kids AS MUCH AS HE WANTS.

You cannot control how and when he decides to be with the kids and if he comes to their school performances or not. So it's best for YOU to let go of that and accept that he may or may not show up. If he shows up, great - you will be happy for the kids. If he doesn't, that's fine too. You will be there to cheer them on and support them.

If by clean slate you mean that you'd have zero contact and he wouldn't have access to the kids, then I'd ask you to think if that is really the best for the kids.

A part of me wants to let H go and leave him in the past and a part of me wants allow myself to be excited sbout the holidays.
We will get there in terms of detachment. I now we will.

You have a choice here. You can choose to be excited about the holidays. You can choose to do so REGARDLESS of if your H is there or not. You can choose to ignore his actions if he is rude or dismissive toward you. You can choose to focus on the kids and being present and zoning anything negative out.
Not easy, but the more you choose to be in the present and focus on the good, the faster you will get to detach and the easier it will become. It takes practice.


I think the key for you (in my humble opinion) is ACCEPTANCE.

You had written that you do not want to give up on having an intact family and on having your H be there for the kids. You can still HOPE for it, yet it's out of your control. You cannot force your H.

FOR NOW, your reality is that you are NOT an intact family and that your H is most of the time NOT there for the kids.

Will this be forever? Nobody knows...

But for NOW, this is it.

So the sooner you accept that this is it, the sooner you will find that elusive detachment.

It doesn't mean you need to like it, but it means that you live a good life DESPITE OF IT.

And that is where CHOICE comes in. A daily, hourly conscious choice to be happy and present and make the best of what you have NOW despite it not being what you want.

But if you dwell on what you don't have and what your life is NOT at this point, you will be stuck and powerless and unhappy.

Is that where you want to be? Right now? In 1 hr? In 1 day? During the holidays? In the new year?

YOUR LIFE, YOUR CHOICE!

IDK, I hope I am making sense. I love you, dear friend. You are an amazing woman. You can do this! CHOOSE to do this!
(((((((((((((((busting))))))))

[willbwell]

busting,
I hope your travels go easy.
The best of the holidays to you and your children

[bustingout]

KG thank you for the beautiful post. I hope you are having a wonderful holiday.

To clarify, what I meant by clean break is shutting the door completely. Not with his R with the kids, but with me and as a family unit.

Thank you for the reminder about choice. I am becoming more aware of the fact that I am constantly making choices and..every hour even...on how I respond to what is around me. It is a very calm feeling knowing i can make these choices.


We are in Europe now at the family home with SIL and BIL and families.

I have several observations:

* I am much more calm from inside and have zero expectations.
*I feel happy
*I am controlling my fears with rationale calm thoughts and working through them. I remove myself from the group when I need a few minutes to collect my thoughts.
*I am more open when I speak...less feelings of shame for who I am...more confident of who I am.
*H is MUCH MORE engaged. Minimal texting/calling, if any, with OW.
*SIL has commented on her more 'engaged and relaxed' brother.
*H actively getting involved with kids...taking the initiative.
*H sits with us all and talks with us...previous years he sat up in the TV room with door closed...no entry.
*H agreed to take kids with me to Christmas market and shopping. Was calm and peaceful.
*H got me a Christmas present. First time in three years.
*A negative observation-H tells people he is 'living' in Dubai now...no longer 'just working' there.

I am aware that there is nothing here that relates to him and me directly. I am very pleased with the apparent and slow reconnection with his brother and sister and his kids.

I am watching. I am observing. I am not making a move. Its like watching a recovering addict almost...how long will this last and is it real.

Happy holidays everyone

[bustingout]

WBW I wish you and your family all of the best this holiday season.

((( )))))

[bustingout]

It's amazing how fast the feelings change. One day he is is nice and even kind, next day he won't look at me when I say good morning. I am feeling vulnerable too because after the holidays we go back to the new normal of being separated and him having his affair. This. Right now. Is not my reality. Hmmmm feeling a little sorry for myself you can see. Feel not so strong today. I guess our mood swings are normal for this time of the year too. I still get very down when I think about OW.

[willbwell]

busting,
the mood swings are there, but we can tell ourselves to stop. I think that when h 'acts' nice to me he picks up that I get hopeful. I am such an open book!
recently when those thoughts about ow creep in, I do tell myself (sometimes outloud if I am alone) stop! ow will never be me. I am not the type of person that does what this ow is doing. I am sad for h, that he is so lost. I am sad that he is trying to fill up some hole.

enjoy the holiday with your children Today regardless of what h is doing. You are a good caring mother. You are way better than that ow. Don't give her headspace.

I think for me, my D will start in earnest in the new year.I am drafting my Last resort letter to h. It will have to say, I let him go.... I will have to tell my children I will go along with the D because I do not want to fight or treat dad unkindly( now I will be smart in regards to finances)
I am in charge of me.
just recently said to s20- you get to decide who you want to be! We get to decide

[JuneReN]

Busting, I am glad to hear from you.

Best to take each day as it is, sometimes that is all I can focus on.

We can't predict what will happen in the next hour, much less the next day, week month etc. All we can do is choose how we will act regardless.

WBW said it...we decide who we want to be and it is very empowering when we realize the decisions lay in our hands. You can't dictate H's actions but you get to decide your reactions and subsequent actions. Very powerful indeed!!

[bustingout]

I agree that I get to choose how I want to respond. I stay conscious of this when I get anxious and have learned how to sort out what I am feeling and why.

I guess because this past few weeks/ months have been confusing with H I need to more then ever stay focused on me and not H.

Christmas has really been lovely. It's been the best one since this all started.

Things really do get better.

For us. When we do the work.

I do not know what's going to happen tomorrow. So I will not worry about it and enjoy the moment now. Keeping things in perspective daily, even hourly, has helped so much.

[bustingout]

Sometimes when I think about moving forwRd I feel confident doig that alone without h. I think moving forwRd together would be harder and I can understand now when people have said piecing is hard.

There is a lot of pressure right now on me to leave the country I am living in . To move because it's in such a mess. It's not my country and h is no longer there so in that sense it is easy to leave. But it's been my home for 11 years and I have raised my kids there and have a support network of friends that I would not want to leave.

And the biggest question... Where would I go? Not back to my own country which is also in a mess , and anywhere else would be starting over without H ...

H knows that I would not move to Dubai unless we were rebuilding the family. I told him that straight out.,yet I find out he is telling people that he wants me and the kids to move out there. I suppose it's probably just words to people so he doesn't seem like such an a$$ to people for leaving us behind.

I could come to Europe I suppose. I guess when I think about it- instead having to do it. I will be so alone and it feels like a step I have to take whether I am read or not.

I suppose a lot of this is just my fear of the unknown and borrowing trouble from the future. I don't know what's going to happen- I for now have made a decision to not move and that is still what I feel. It's a decision that eases my heart.

On another note - h continues to be his more engaged self. Indy and praise the small positives and ignore other behaviour.

[bustingout]

Just a thought that is probably screamingly obvious but...

Our spouses must either be very sure - at a very deep level- that we will be here when they are done or really are done with us. But when they show kindness or moments of their 'real' selves with us- is that them worried or scared that we may not be there when they are done?