And I just keep going...

[keep_going]

Hi friends,

I have not posted for a while...
Thanksgiving came and went. And even though there were a couple of tough days, I overcame them faster and easier than before. I take that as yet another positive sign that I am healing. And so I am grateful for that.

And life is back to normal, which in my case, is full speed.
I have been super busy, but in a good way.
Before DB (and part of the reason why I found myself here), I had a full plate and a longer list than I could tackle. I wanted to be a great mom, a great wife, friend, daughter, sister, professionist - everything. And so something had to give and it was my marriage...

This time, I am being very aware and very present IN THE MOMENT. The most important part, is that I am choosing how to spend my time. I am prioritizing and making decisions that are good for ME and my kids.

It has been amazing. I enjoy the people I am with, I do things better and it keeps my focus away of negative thoughts. I like staying busy (and how can you not with three young ones to support and a full-time job?) Yet I make sure not to overdo it and to remain true to my life priorities (which I was not doing before). I make sure my actions match my values and I am overall much happier.

I am getting ready for a trip to my home country with the kids. We have not been there in two years (due to financial reasons) and so I am proud that I saved enough to make it happen. We will be surrounded by all people who love us, who will pameper us and my kids will have 10 wonderful days filled with fun and friends and cousins and aunts and uncles. We get together for Xmas every other year, gathering between 40-50 people on Xmas eve... All the people I grew up with and which make me feel loved and valued.

It will be AMAZING!
So I probably won't be logging in much until after the new year, but I want to send everyone a huge hug and wish everyone the best for this holiday season, with one wish: make the best of it.


My H dropped the bomb and left on December 23rd of 2010. Yes, just the day before Xmas eve. I don't remember hardly anything of that holiday. I just have this image of me sitting at my parents' living room, looking out at nothing, like a zombie. I cannot even remember what the girls were doing (and I was just 9 weeks pregnant with my son at the time).
I thought I'd never be able to smile again, enjoy Xmas or any other holiday for that matter and I literally didn't see a point to continue.
Yet look at me now...

So my point? Even the deepest well has a way out, even the strongest pain will start to diminish - IF YOU CHOOSE TO.

Early on I read one of the vets post "I am grateful this happened to me" and I almost threw up. I thought I'd NEVER be able to say that.

Yet, now I have to say that I am also grateful for this most painful experience. Why? Because sadly I realize now that if something this big and definite and painful and devastating had not happened to me, I would have never woken up to how messed up I was and how angry and hurt I was and how so out of control my life was... Do I wish I didn't lose my H? You bet - I still love him like I did 20 yrs. ago, but I don't know that anything else would have shaken me enough to change. Yes, life dishes painful lessons, but without them, we would not be able to appreciate the happy moments and make good choices for ourselves.


Yes, this experience has and continues to be brutal in so many ways, yet it is AN OPPORTUNITY to exercise CHOICE and CHANGE and BE IN CONTROL of our lives.


And so I CHOOSE to do so. Happy Holidays!!