wife hardens heart-6

[planet]

Great post Planet. I think you're showing strength and acceptance.

You can't change her, you can only change you.

Whose house is she living in?

Acceptance? I don't think I'm really there yet as I am still grieving.
I'm upset with myself over such slow pace in terms of moving on.

XW and our kids are currently staying in our marital home. It's all hers now.

[labug]

Acceptance is a process within the grief process.

Don't judge yourself, keep moving forward and you will get there.

[MrBond]

"Ok, it's mind reading. Chances are 99%, she's going to freak out on me if I do things she doesn't agree with.
There's nothing she's even remotely interested to have anything to do with me much less talk. The only thing she will try to communicate is when she wants something from me and my visitation schedule. Even then, she's rude. "

Mindreading.

"I don't want to have to talk to XW and have her frustrate me for no good reason. I'm tired of that."

Mindreading.

Plus your communication with her is not going to improve until you start improving it. You have two young children. You HAVE to talk to her about them for their sake. If not, they are going to grow up with two parents who hate each other. They will carry that into their adult relationships.

You can be the one to grow up.

So far I really haven't seen you change. All I've seen you do is run.

[labug]

Maybe I'm missing a part of the story.

Planet, is she not following the custody order or agreement?

From what I've read and what I see, you're D and have been for several months, she lives in the house and now owns it, you get to go there and see the kids, the kids go places with you.

You and W don't get along right now, most D people don't in the beginning. From my vantage point things look not perfect but not terrible.

What say you, Planet?

[planet]

Plus your communication with her is not going to improve until you start improving it. You have two young children. You HAVE to talk to her about them for their sake. If not, they are going to grow up with two parents who hate each other. They will carry that into their adult relationships.

You can be the one to grow up.

So far I really haven't seen you change. All I've seen you do is run.

Yeah. You called me out on running. I know I am. Not proud of it.

What do you suggest that I do? XW spews when she disagrees with me.
How many times do I have to hear that she hates my mother or Curses my mother or I'm a bad husband or Bad father or everything that goes wrong in the world is my fault?

I requested that she keeps me in the loop regarding D3's health. Got shot down.
I requested that she I would like to visit their recreational classes. Got shot down.
I told her not to have my kids refer to OM as daddy. Got shot down.
I told her not to have OM sleeping in same room as my kids. Got shot down.

She has put in every one like her parents, sister, OM as her shield. She is feeding them with her side of the story. Her family even suggested that she restricts my visitation. She told them I'm still the kids father even though I've became a crazy controlling monster. Her father suggest that I become a part time daddy. Let XW and OM become the parents. Visit them less.

When I questioned her about the things I felt is not right. She gets defensive.
She has no problems telling me off when she felt that I did wrong.

Don't you see it? She has to be right all the time. She has to win everything. She doesn't care how I feel or what I want.

Thought I show some kindness by helping to fix things around the house. No thank you. No appreciation. Nothing changed.

I just don't know how to talk to her anymore. Might sound silly to you but I think it's best that I leave her alone. Just NC unless it's about the kids which where we are at the moment. She just ask of my visitation schedule and nothing else.

Planet, is she not following the custody order or agreement?

From what I've read and what I see, you're D and have been for several months, she lives in the house and now owns it, you get to go there and see the kids, the kids go places with you.

You and W don't get along right now, most D people don't in the beginning. From my vantage point things look not perfect but not terrible.

What say you, Planet?

Yes she is following the agreement.
What she didn't tell her family is that she gets to go to jail if she ever dishonor it but she made it look like she is giving me my time graciously.
Before the D, she told me that I could visit them everyday and can stay overnight on weekends. After D, she's different. She felt that I'm taking too much time. She can't plan this and that.

Yes, she allows me into her home to visit my kids and take the kids out.

It's not perfect but it not terrible if I stay away from her.
Mind reading but I feel she wants me completely out of her life so she can have OM as the father of my kids. In her perfect world, I do not exist.

[planet]

And for the record, Mr.Bond
I do not hate XW and I do not blame her either for all my troubles.

I have learned that all too well here. Remember that you pointed things out for me very early on. I know that and I thank you.

[planet]

Here what I'm going to do.

I'm going to send her a text Monday evening requesting that I meet her alone at a neutral place. I'm going to ask her if I could take the kids for Christmas Eve right through Christmas face to face.

I asked to speak to her alone before but she didn't want to. She wanted to hear it there and then. I'll risk arguing it in front of the kids.
I figured if I do it at a neutral place, she can't act up. I could control things especially my frustrations.
She can disagree but at least she couldn't turn into a monster in public. I hope.

[labug]

Thanks for clarifying.

What she didn't tell her family is that she gets to go to jail if she ever dishonor it but she made it look like she is giving me my time graciously.

Who cares what she tells people as long as she does it?
Not something I'd make a big deal about as long as you get to see your kids as agreed upon.

Before the D, she told me that I could visit them everyday and can stay overnight on weekends. After D, she's different.

That would have been above and beyond in most any circumstance, don't you think? Was it in the custody agreement?

Don't you see it? She has to be right all the time. She has to win everything. She doesn't care how I feel or what I want.

Thought I show some kindness by helping to fix things around the house. No thank you. No appreciation. Nothing changed.

Some people never change and you can't make that happen. It sounds to me like you're doing your best to make things peaceful for the kids and you. That's great as long as you are getting was was provided in your D and the custody order. If that's not happening you could ask her about it once and if it doesn't change, go to the courts.

I think ending the discussion when she gets angry and name-calling is showing good boundaries. I wouldn't listen to it either.

You don't know where this relationship will be in a year or five years. Not throwing gas on the fire can allow people time to thin, and once the emotion dies down she may become more reasonable.

Or she may continue to be an unhappy, resentful person.

Who knows?

No matter the outcome or her personal journey, the important thing for you is are you happy with the way you're conducting yourself? Are you showing the world a Planet you are proud of?

All the best, my friend.

[adinva]

time to think
lol
ditto everything bug said.
Lose the scorecard...it is NOT helping you in any way.
Follow the court order, and if she doesn't, get legal assistance.
Rise above the shenanigans and be a man about it, focus on the positives.

[planet]

Who cares what she tells people as long as she does it?
Not something I'd make a big deal about as long as you get to see your kids as agreed upon.

Yeah you are right. No big deal. Kinda stupid I brought it up.

That would have been above and beyond in most any circumstance, don't you think? Was it in the custody agreement?

Yes that would be so.
She has full custody. I have unrestricted visitation with reasonable notification.
In theory, I can visit my kids whenever, at any time and any place as long as I notify XW in advance.

I truly believed her when she said I can visit the kids everyday. Come to think of it, I think she said it to give me assurance that she would not stop me from seeing my kids.
As time goes by, she feels that I'm coming over way too often. I'm there to visit my kids and nothing else.

Some people never change and you can't make that happen. It sounds to me like you're doing your best to make things peaceful for the kids and you. That's great as long as you are getting was was provided in your D and the custody order. If that's not happening you could ask her about it once and if it doesn't change, go to the courts.

I am friendly towards her but lately I have been distancing myself. I just don't know what to say to her anymore.

In her own words, 'it's getting more and more nauseating looking at you'. I think her resentment is growing rather than subsiding even more so after I have made my 'requests' which she doesn't agree with. Maybe she's not getting the space she needs from me. Too much pressure.

She's a good mother. I believe she would not stop me from seeing my kids. I don't think it will reach a stage where we would need to settle disagreements in a court.

No matter the outcome or her personal journey, the important thing for you is are you happy with the way you're conducting yourself? Are you showing the world a Planet you are proud of?

I want to be a better parent to my kids. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing at all.
My new friend shows me a bunch of tarot cards. I commented that the people in the pictures looked sad. She said it is because I'm sad so I perceive things in a negative way. She's right and I want to be happier. That's what I want the world to see.