Perhaps you'll forgive me when I tell you that ever since I started reading the EMDR book, I've been going through an intense period of processing emotional issues.
The book starts out telling the reader to not attempt this by yourself, that EMDR therapy should only be done with a licensed therapist trained in EMDR.
I decided to take my chances and try it on myself.
The book is absolutely fascinating reading...the author presents different stories...the trauma, the symptoms and a little bit about what happened during therapy.
With each new story, I've been recognizing an issue I needed to address.
Well, today, I had a huge insight.
And let me just say, that if I can get such huge help on my own, imagine what work with a trained professional would do!
I had a friend named Jeff Gordan. I attended pre-school with him and he went to elementry school up until 3rd grade with me.
He was my best friend/boyfriend.
Anyway, right before he moved away, this horrible kid named Kevin something was in my class in 3rd grade.
We, my group of friends, including Jeff, always considered him the enemy, nothing had changed my opinion on that up to and including 3rd grade.
Well, for some reason, I allowed kevin to convince me to cover a peice of paper with my writing, saying'I hate you, Jeff'.
He told me it was a joke and that Jeff would know it was a joke.
Well, later on kevin told me that he confronted Jeff with my paper. Jeff went down on his knees crying and kevin broke the paper over Jeff's head.
Kevin told me about it and laughed. When I found out, I went to Jeff and begged his forgiveness.
He refused to forgive me or talk to me.
I kept begging.
He kept refusing.
Not sure how long, but shortly after, maybe a week or a month, his family moved away.
And ever since then, I've always had this fear that if I hurt someone/make them angry, they will leave me.
I clearly felt that his moving away was my fault.
That I drove him away.
I was too young to realize he moved away cause his parents chose to, not him.
And several situations throughout my life reinforced my belief that if I hurt someone or made them angry, they'd leave.
As an adult now..I see that if I hurt someone, or make them angry they won't neccessarily go away
This EMDR stuff really works.
I told my Mom all this...and this was part of our conversation:
Mom: the issue should be: do YOU really believe in what YOU are saying/doing; if so, THEY can choose the hear you and try to understand OR they can leave.
Me: you are right Me: and in some cases, I have hurt people Me: and if I beg them for forgiveness...and they can't forgive me..sometimes, it is not about me...sometimes it's about them
Mom: i believe one gets through each day by constantly asking ourselves: when i look back on this action 10 years from now will i feel as if i had done the right thing
Me: and in the meantime, I shall keep learning from my mistakes..and try not to hurt people
Mom: or said the right thing or keep silent
Me: right Me: and Divorce Busting has really helped me with that Me: taught me some valuable skills Me: and taught me to slow down and evaluate my action/words in terms of my goals Me: so I have skills and tools I didn't have when I was in 3rd grade
Mom: yes, you ARE learning Me:
Jeff, if you are out there, I'm so sorry for the pain I caused you.
