Wife Said She's Done

[OneDay]

dxw, You are correct we need to DETACH, DETACH, DETACH.

AnotherStander, it crazy how so many of us have similar situation/stories. I read other peoples stitches and I would have thought I wrote it myself. Thanks for your feedback.

advina, As usual thanks for putting it Bluntly. I really need that sometime.

[OneDay]

The past 2 days have been really good for me. Im finally beginning to Detach. Im mean really detach, and it feels good. I now realize there is nothing I can say to change my W mind about D. There maybe nothing I can "personally" do for my W to change her mind about D. She has made the choice to D me, and I have come to accept that. I dont personally like it, but I accept it. The more I detach, the more I realize how mess up we both were in our relationship. For Example;

She took the boys over to the inlaws for an early christmas tonight (i was not invited) Which is okay because it would have been awkward anyway. She was suppose to be there at 5pm, but as usual was running late, and she HATES being late. She had to leave in 20 mins and she was still wrapping presents, was not dressed, or made up in away and she still had to stop by Publix to pick up dessert. Well she finally left the house at 4:55pm and there was no was she was going to be on time. As I was sitting there, i could tell she was getting more and more anxious and I just sat there(which is a 180 for me, as I would usually be busting my butt to help) I laughed inside, as it has always been my fault that were late. Its my "carefree, laid-back, whatever attitude (as she would say) that makes us late." "If you dont want to go, then stay home." I would hear it all. She would have been angry and upset at me the whole way to the inlaws and more than likely we would not have spoke very much once over there.

The more I recall these event the easier it to detach. The more I think, maybe she's doing me a favor by getting a D. Maybe I can live my life the way I want to live it, and be truly happy. These are all just thoughts, and I have to be careful that I am detaching and not withdrawing.

More than anything, I've come to realize that if this Marriage will/was ever going to work that we BOTH need to change our ways and communication. And if we do reconcile, it might even be harder to fix our R than what I'm going through now.

[AnotherStander]

Um, she said you needed marriage counseling badly. She DID tell you. Were you waiting for it to be written across the sky?

I can't speak for SC, but in my case, my W also talked a few times about going to MC. It was always after something had happened that she caused (one example is after she disclosed to me that she had amassed 80k, yes 80k, in credit card debt). The way she presented it to me is that she had done something wrong, she was afraid I would leave, and she was suggesting MC to help us avoid that. Each time I told her "we don't need to do that because I'm not going to leave." In other words, I thought she figured we needed it for ME to get past the wrong. Looking back I think that maybe I misinterpreted what she meant, but the point is, sometimes these things are not as "obvious" as they might sound.

[labug]

How we interpret may make it not as obvious and take the onus off us. I think Ad's right here and opening up a discussion can be a great way to handle different interpretations. I don't know how much clearer anyone could make it.

ScottCat, was this you?

"carefree, laid-back, whatever attitude (as she would say) that makes us late."

In the past did you do things to help her be more on time, knowing that it caused anxiety in her to be late? Would you do it differently today?

Throughout my S and now Piecing with my H, I've had to look at a lot of things about myself that aren't very pretty. For many of them I had the "yeah, but you..." defensive comeback. Eventually I realized these things weren't a problem only in my M but with my other R too so if I wanted to have a better life I had to change me. Many of the complaints my H voiced me were the starting point.

So did you in the past did you play a part in this or other issues that your W has voiced?

If that same "running late" scenario played out with a person you were in a loving R with now, knowing what you know, how would you be different?

[labug]

The past 2 days have been really good for me. Im finally beginning to Detach. Im mean really detach, and it feels good. I now realize there is nothing I can say to change my W mind about D. There maybe nothing I can "personally" do for my W to change her mind about D. She has made the choice to D me, and I have come to accept that. I dont personally like it, but I accept it. The more I detach, the more I realize how mess up we both were in our relationship

Just wanted to add, this is all good stuff.

[OneDay]

labug,

Compared to her, Yes I have a care-free, laid back attitude!. A pile of laundry and some dirty dishes do not bother me like they do the W. But I knew it bothered her and I would help her any/all the time. If I knew we were running late I would bust my butt and would be prepping food, running to the store, helping wrap presents, getting the kids ready etc, etc, etc, etc etc etc etc, etc.

I was/am not a lazy husband! I've always helped out with household chores or taking care of the boys. I work full time, and W worked 2 half days a week and I would still help with everything. I would cook dinner, fold/hang laundry, Vacuum, next day lunches etc etc. I was doing something from the time I got home from work until after the kids were in bed. (even though my care-free laid back attitude did not want too)

I helped her get the kids ready tonight because she was running late for a Christmas party at her families (I was not invited) but I helped out as usual, because Guess What?....

Yup, she waited until the last minute and was still wrapping presents as her ride (Mom and Dad) were in the driveway waiting for her. She had all day too.

[labug]

I was/am not a lazy husband!

I didn't say you were/are a lazy husband only asked if you would do anything differently knowing what you know now.

Maybe you wouldn't.

Do you notice how you used the phrase "helping out" when talking about activities that seem to be for the good of the family as a whole? How do you really view those things? How was the business of the family/household handled? Who was responsible for what?

I know you and I had a similar discussion earlier about picking up your children

They're your kids too I'm assuming.

I'm still not clear on why you don't want to pick them up other than you're pi$$ed at her. Your kids have no part in that.

It sounds as if everything in their lives is up to W.

Maybe you should have a talk with W and say "I want to do my share with the kids. Let's talk about our schedules for the next week and we can plan who will do what. I'm uncomfortable when I have to make changes in my schedule the night before." or whatever your comfort level is.

Would this be a 180 for you?

How do you honestly see your W's role in the family?

[OneDay]

Honestly Im just trying to justify in my mind that this is not all my fault. Yes the drinking was the main reason for her wanting a D. I have been really hard on myself and thought that I was 100% of the reason for my WAW wanting a D. Now I know thats not the case.

labug, I dont really know how to answer, but I'll try.

I agree those things were good as a whole and I didnt mind "helping out" (wrong choice of words I guess) I did not mind doing these things as 1 they needed to be done and we worked as a team to accomplish them and 2 I knew if I busted my butt to get the chores done, that W and I would have sometime to spend together. Which I liked.

As for the business of the home. I think we were a good team. I worked Full Time and she was basically a stay at home mom (and a really good one) She would take and pick the boys up from school. She volunteered at school, and did the boys homework with them everyday, I would help with math in the evening. All the other responsibilities we split. I loved the fact that my W was always there for the boys. Now, If she worked full time, the roles would have been reversed and I would have been mr.mom. She knew it and I knew it and we were both fine with that.

I dont know where im going here, or if I even answered the question. This is really tough and the past 2 days have been really rough for me.

[labug]

Give it a rest for a few days.

You did answer the question and I appreciate that. This is hard stuff, been there, done that.

It's good to hear that you think your W is very good at her job. Have you ever told her that? This might not be the right time but just think about if you let her know you appreciated her.

I've worked FT, I've been a SAHM and I've worked PT when the kids were young. The hardest job was SAHM because there's no clock to punch, it's 24/7 and you don't get raises or great performance reviews, even if your performance merits it.

The most difficult thing about this is if you want to have a chance to save your M, you have to do all the work right now.

[OneDay]

I was in such a good mood when I came home tonight after work. I was excited because we were going to look at Christmas Lights (annual tradition). The boys always have so much fun, and get so excited.

Then It just came crashing down. Wife asked me about health insurance for next year and If my job updated the policy. Anyhow it went into something about her work, and her filing for medical assistance. She's obviously planning ahead for after the D. She then came out and said, right in front of the kids. "Well either way, It's still going to be awhile before we get divorced, so I might as well get a head start on things." I couldn't believe it and here I thought I/we were making some progress

I just let it roll off and gently changed the subject. That was not the time to discuss things. I dont why she would do that right then. Im so bummed and kind of pissed.