So my W emailed me this morning, wishing me a happy birthday. She asked me what I was going to do and I told her I was leaving for my trip. She was surprised. She seemed upset I didn't let her watch the cat until she left for her parent's. I feel like she just doesn't get how filing for D has changed our dynamic. How am I suppose to hand over the keys and trust her while I am out of town for two weeks? I just replied that I have never done anything for my birthday before. I guess she is punishing me now. She said she might call on my birthday, but never did. I suppose I will have to wait and see if she misses me.
Wednesday, W calls. She admits she made some mistakes, but said I did too. I validated/agreed. She said I don't believe she loves me, but she does. She then returned to her list of grievances, which I have validated and empathized so many times. I tried telling her how I felt or feel (avoiding the troublesome "you" statements). She seems to refer to any relationship talk as "our argument." I know that's how she perceives it, but for me, my whole approach, what I say, how I respond is very different from any arguments we had in the past. For one, I am not disputing what she says. For another, I avoid anything that might seem like blame. She then made the comments that she "can't do it any more" and she doesn't want things to "become nasty." These statements of finality always send me reeling, but I try not to respond. She then abruptly ended the conversation.
I didn't like how th call ended, so I sent her a brief email a few hours later saying that I wanted to learn and grow. She told me to "take a chill." That she didn't want to deal with it now.
So the first few days of my trip, I have felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest.
How do I change this cycle of relationship talk (which she brings up)?
Tell me again how not to believe the finality she expresses?
Someone help me see the positives. I really feel like I no longer know how to act.
Friday she sends an email that I need to update our contact information because someone who does some work for us contacted her. I didn't reply.
Today I tried going for a drive, enjoying the weather. I went to the movies. But I couldn't shake this feeling of having a heavy heart. I called her to wish her a safe trip to see her family. It was an awkward conversation, but she seemed to want to talk about her family and friends so I just listened. She made a few snarky comments that I should know this already and then she had to go, her dinner was ready. Is it just me, or am I really supposed to remember all the details of her past friends and extended family that she told me once, years ago. Am I just that inept?
It sounds like she has a script in her head. She's written a story that ends with "I can't do it anymore". I don't know this store and I don't know you, but I think the idea is to help the story lose credibility. "I can't do it anymore" implies she's weak. "I don't want things to turn nasty" implies you're weak and may turn mean.
You may not be helping by denying your past problems, but you can certainly conduct yourself in a way that challenges that assumption.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
This is what you say when she say she can't do it anymore. Why? Because you are sorry that she feels that way. It also tells her that you don't feel that way.
When she got snarky about the friends and family stuff, I might have said something to the effect of, "I need you to refresh my memory every once in awhile because we don't have a whole of interaction with them to keep that info fresh." A chuckle along with it helps to lighten the statement.
Just keep being you. Keep yourself focused. Do not lose sight of where you want to be and who you want to be. You are getting there. I see it.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
It sounds like she has a script in her head. She's written a story that ends with "I can't do it anymore". I don't know this store and I don't know you, but I think the idea is to help the story lose credibility. "I can't do it anymore" implies she's weak. "I don't want things to turn nasty" implies you're weak and may turn mean.
I think you are right. From the beginning she has acted as though she knew exactly how I would behave. That she has been wrong so many times this year may have given her pause, but then she continues with her script. The script may be more about her than me, but I try to be the best person I can be.
Originally Posted By: 2stubborn2quit
You may not be helping by denying your past problems, but you can certainly conduct yourself in a way that challenges that assumption.
I am generally careful to accept and even apologize for past problems, part of my effort to empathize and validate. Only on occasion do I share how I felt. I do not want to be defensive or blame as I have in the past.
This is what you say when she say she can't do it anymore. Why? Because you are sorry that she feels that way. It also tells her that you don't feel that way.
When she got snarky about the friends and family stuff, I might have said something to the effect of, "I need you to refresh my memory every once in awhile because we don't have a whole of interaction with them to keep that info fresh." A chuckle along with it helps to lighten the statement.
Just keep being you. Keep yourself focused. Do not lose sight of where you want to be and who you want to be. You are getting there. I see it.
As always, I appreciate your feedback. I wish I had your clairvoyance.
Clairvoyance? I really don't know how much that I actually have. what I try to do is give advice based on my judgment.
I have developed this judgment from experience. My experience comes from bad judgment. Trust me when I tell you that I have made the same mistakes so many of us have made in the past.
I learned not to respond to my W's script. It serves no purpose to react to it because typically the reaction to the scripts is negative. Telling them that "I am sorry that you feel this way" is a way that helps us detach from our emotions.
I think that if you started taking this approach it is going to show her something different. Like our good buddy Mach 1 always says, "So, how's that working for ya?"
I think that the time has come for you to start taking a different approach.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
Clairvoyance? I really don't know how much that I actually have. what I try to do is give advice based on my judgment.
I have developed this judgment from experience. My experience comes from bad judgment. Trust me when I tell you that I have made the same mistakes so many of us have made in the past.
I learned not to respond to my W's script. It serves no purpose to react to it because typically the reaction to the scripts is negative. Telling them that "I am sorry that you feel this way" is a way that helps us detach from our emotions.
I think that if you started taking this approach it is going to show her something different. Like our good buddy Mach 1 always says, "So, how's that working for ya?"
I think that the time has come for you to start taking a different approach.
I have used the statement, "I'm sorry you feel that way," a few times. I know I need to respond that way more. I have setup boundaries like she can't stop by the house when I'm not there. I don't respond to emails right away. I don't often tell her what I am doing or when I am doing it. Having generally avoided communicating unless it was initiated by her, I have called her from time to time. I don't initiate relationship talk. I do share my feelings from time to time. But I can't help feeling I'm missing something. That there is something more I need to be doing, something I haven't yet done.
