Coming Back To Life

[BrightFuture]

Tiger, thanks for reminding me about the cycling. My friends at vacation home place say that they think that H has difficulties with women, meaning that he can talk and flirt, but then he just doesn’t know how to handle the relationship. I never thought about it this way. I always thought that H was confident and knew what he was doing in life. He always made friends very easy and could start a conversation with the strangers at the bars and anywhere. I think that he does have issues that he’s been successfully hiding all these years. I think that he never fully recovered from his parent’s divorce.

Yesterday I went to my sister’s house for dinner. She and her H got on my case again about my sitch. It was mostly my sister who was talking. I was told so many different things… That H has been using me while enjoying his life… That I’m waiting for something that is not going to happen… That even if he returns, the relationship are never going to be the same and just go downhill again… That people were born to be alone (like you are born alone and you will die alone)… That I should be tired of being a doormat… That I just need to get rid of everything that reminds me of H, because I just have to move on…

So, I ended up crying. They tried to calm me down, then kind of apologized for being hard on me. But, still said that it is all for my own good. I came home with the thought that they might be right and I need to get rid of all the stuff and start the D process.

This morning I woke up feeling sick and down. It is just like a groundhog day all over again… I’m feeling sick physically too, and it scares me a little.

H sent an e-mail this afternoon where he was supposed to attach the last file with the last expenses (he forgot to attach the file.) He sounds very upbeat and happy. Yeah, he is going to be on vacation/party break for a few months. Today I wished he didn’t contact me again anymore. I didn’t expect him to send me any e-mails for some time.