Coming Back To Life

[BrightFuture]

Job, I don’t think you read my posting wrong. I also thought that there was some damage control in place, I just cannot imagine what it could be. I will follow your advice and wait.

On the H’s e-mail, don’t you think I should reply just to give him some positive reaction to see if continues to send me the e-mails not related to business? In any case I will sit on it before deciding if I need to reply.

Talked to my sister and my GF today and told them about the recent developments and tried to share my feelings with them. Both gave me a piece of their minds, telling me that I need cut the cord and stop talking and analyzing my sitch. My GF told me that I’m practicing “masochism” (she didn’t mean it in a sexual way) by still talking about my H and not taking a legal action for D. They both told me that I need to stop having any hopes and just move on with my life. So, I cried two times tonight, after each conversation. All I wanted is just to share and get some support. I didn’t want them to tell me what I need to do to stop all the feelings about my M. They both think that after I take a legal action, all my worries and hurts will stop and I will be a new shiny person. They both think that I’m a doormat allowing H to live his life and do whatever he wants by still keep me in limbo, which according to them I’m allowing. So, I’m on my own again. All I have is this site.

[job]

Bright,
If you feel comfortable in acknowledging his email, you can try it...but keep your expectations at zero. He could have been thinking "out loud" about the past. No one knows what he's thinking these days.

People do not understand about mlc and until they walk in our shoes, they don't see it. All your family and friends want is for you to be happy. No, divorce doesn't make for a brand new shiny you. It takes a long time to reach that new shiny person. However, I can say this, the day my divorce was granted, I had a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders because I was no longer fearing that if something happened to him, I would be sued because his name was still on my home, etc.

Continue to post...no more discussions w/your sister and GF about your situation. You'll hear nothing but grief from them and you don't need that.

[BrightFuture]

I sent H an e-mail yesterday with the contacts he requested. He replied back this morning with “Thanks, Bright, I appreciate it”. I don’t even know why I report it here. There is nothing in it.

It seems that he is driving to the vacation home today. I thought there would be more partying in his home town. Maybe his friends were busy and didn’t have time for him.

I know that he’s withdrew a large sum of money from his account. I think he is intending to stay at the vacation home until next spring. He is gearing up for a party life again. He sounded very content and happy on the phone the other day. I’m sure he is excited about this life. There is no room for me, he is not missing me. He is going to do what he did last year, party and have fun, and this is the life he wants. I feel like a failure. Like I never existed before. Like all his previous life with me was just miserable, and he finally realized that this is what he wanted. I feel like I was used to reach his dream (vacation home) and then I was discarded. Why do I still give any sh!t about this man? What is wrong with me? Maybe my GF and my sister are right and I need to cut the cord. Will it set me free?

Job, I understand your relieve when your divorce was final. Your H was a crazy MLCer. In my case it all looks so amicable, that it almost makes me sick. Sometimes I wish he would be a monster MLCer and had an OW already, so it would be easier for me to end it. I always remember “be careful what you wish for”, so I stop myself from thinking like that. But, there has to be something that will propel me forward and stop all this misery I’m experiencing right now.

Yes, I need to stop talking to my GF and my sister. I just feel so lonely sometimes. I post here and I don’t get any replies for days sometimes. Maybe I’m wining too much, idk. I’m very grateful to you, job, for posting on my thread. Your advice is always very valuable and I feel supported.

[Pudmuddle]

Brighty-bright, I hate seeing you in such anguish. You are thinking WAY too much about your H and what you have done to him. First of all, YOU have not done this to him, he did this to himself and his family.

Second, your family means well and they say you must make these ultimatums only because they don't want to see you suffering and in such pain. They think this will stop the hurt. It will only be a different kind of hurt if you think about it. It also makes you question the decisions you have made for yourself. Really, really examine what it is that YOU want. I don't see you wanting or ready to cut the cord yet, but I could be wrong. You have a lot of healing to do within yourself. Give yourself time to heal. Be patient with yourself. Allow yourself to grieve and cry and feel that it is okay to do these things. It IS okay. You are definitely NOT a failure. This is one aspect of your life that is not going well at the moment, but it does not define you. You are a fabulous woman and you always have compassion for others on here, and, you give great advice.

We all want this to be over now and things to be less stressful. But that is not going to happen soon, for most of us.

I haven't been commenting on your thread because job was giving you excellent advice, but I do read your sitch whenever I come on here.

We all believe in you and are here to support you. Are you getting out and doing things just for you? Special for you?

Please believe in yourself and not what mlc-crazyville says right now.

[BrightFuture]

I had a session with the DB coach this morning. I was half hour late (for some reason I written the time wrong), so we only had about 20 min. I consider it pretty much wasted money. Well, I only have myself to blame. I gave my update and the coach tried to give me some advice. It is pretty much the same I’ve heard last time.

I need to do something different to move the sitch. He suggested to open a Facebook account for me, just like he suggested in our previous session. The purpose would be to put the updates of my exciting life to make my H more curious. Well, H doesn’t have Facebook. The chances that he would be looking are so small, that I think it doesn’t warrant to do it for me. I don’t have Facebook and was not planning to open it.

There was nothing else that the coach told me. I tried to ask coach’s opinion about what the chances are for H to reconsider. He said that it is hard to expect for the sitch to move without trying something different. I don’t know what I could do different besides just filing for D. I’m at a loss.

I told the coach that I think that H needs to live though his journey right now. I said that since there is no permanent OW (I’m think there is not), he is still looking for his perfect match and haven’t discovered the reality yet. The coach agreed with me on that.

He also kept asking me what did I do different during the summer to cause H to become more friendly in his e-mails. I didn’t know what to answer. Besides going to the vacation home a lot and having all kinds of activities over there, I didn’t do anything different. And he didn’t even learn the news about my activities until later. Coach also asked me what I think I need to do different to cause some interest from H. I didn’t know what to answer again. If I knew, I would not be calling the coach. I was hoping that he would have some suggestions for me, more than just the Facebook.

So, I’m kind of disappointed about the session. The only good thing was that be verbalizing some things, I discovered that I understood a couple of thing for myself. I will update in the next post. This is getting too long.

Pud, thanks so much for stopping by, I will answer to your post next.

[tigerlily78]

I'm sorry you are feeling down again Bright. I know it is hard not to try and analyze what he is doing and why and what it means. Job gives you great advice... we probably can't even begin to understand what it means. Stop trying to make sense of the nonsensical.

Yes, you can make assumptions about what he is doing and why, but even if you know why, does it matter? Does it change the way you feel? Does it change what you intend to do?

I know you just want signs to follow, to give you some indication what will happen. I am SO guilty of this too. Look inside yourself and decide what you would want to do REGARDLESS of that H is doing now and if he might come back. That is your plan for right now, right... working on you. Taking this time and freedom to explore yourself and who you are. He is going to do whatever crazy thing he is doing right now whether you are worrying about it or not... your answering a text one day or not is not going to be the thing that brings him out of MLC.

You are right that he needs to take the journey. You don't have to sit in the sidecar while he does it.

[tigerlily78]

^ And yes, I am going to try and take my own advice here. lol

[BrightFuture]

Pud, you are right, I was thinking too much about H. It was in anticipation of his arrival here. It is like all old wounds opened up again. I think it is different for people whose spouses are at home or in contact all the time because of the kids. I haven’t seen H since May. I was kind of getting used to life without him. So, I started to panic when I thought he would be coming. Now, it is delayed by a couple o weeks. He is still coming to pick up his car at the end of the month. I have a little more time to pull myself back together. Thank you for your support.

Tiger, I’m trying so hard to not over analyze, but I just cannot stop myself from doing it. There is little info and I feel in the dark, I just cannot stand it anymore. Every new unexpected development throws me out of the loop. I think that I’m also doing it to distract myself from another aspect of my life right now. I still don’t have a job, and I don’t where the money is going to come from to pay for my mortgage, utilities and food. I stopped going out with my GF, because it cost me a lot of money (she likes to party.) When I think about taking another class or something like that, I get extremely upset, because I just cannot spend any extra money right now. My car is still running, but my mechanic warned me that it could need some major repair very soon, so I’m trying to avoid long distance trips (and a lot of places are long distance here, where I live.) A couple of trips downtown cost half a tank of gas, and I have to put premium in my car.

I think if I find work I will feel a lot better about everything and will not be concentrating on H that much. I think he still has long way to go in his journey. I thought that he was kind of coming out of his depression and replay back in June, but I guess I was wrong.

He doesn’t seem depressed anymore. I can only judge by his e-mails and responses to me. They became friendlier. I think that the replay is still going on full force. I got a hold of some information and I did some analysis (yes, this forbidden word.) He has a lot of female friends, a lot more than he had before. And there is endless texting between them. It is like if he sends the text and if one doesn’t answer, then he texts another one, until there is a back and forth exchange is going in full force. It is like he can barely spend any day without this texting. I also assume that he sees these women at the bars. This makes me believe that he doesn’t have a full time OW. Would an OW tolerate this heavy texting with other females? Does anyone have any experience with this kind of thing?

He always had female friends and I was OK with that as long as it was not a secret from me. I realize now that for some reason he wanted to have women friends, and most of them were single. When I look at his behavior now, I see a teenager trying to be at the center of a party and get attention from as many females as possible. Is he trying to validate or assert himself?

Now he is going to the vacation home to have more party. He turned his text messaging off on his phone because it would be expensive over there. So, now he is going to need some attention from other women. It is going to be his old (from last year) crowd of drunks and local Mexican girls.

[tigerlily78]

I would say you are right that he is trying extra hard to be the "center of attention" ... and the reason he no longer seems depressed is because he is working overtime to make sure he has someone to constantly distract him and keep him entertained. If he doesn't have time to sit still and have one deep thought, he can avoid the depression... at least for awhile. Yes to both validating and asserting, I see this with mine too. It's projecting this confident "lady killer" persona to mask the underlying insecurities. They can't be a "sad loser" if all these ladies are eating them up with a spoon, right? :P

The cycling in and out of depression during replay is really common place. Some cycle fast (like day to day) and some cycle in much bigger turns. Some come really close to "rock bottom" many times and still manage to rebound into replay again. It may take your H a few more trips to the bottom until he doesn't have the emotional energy to get back up to party again.

[BrightFuture]

Tiger, thanks for reminding me about the cycling. My friends at vacation home place say that they think that H has difficulties with women, meaning that he can talk and flirt, but then he just doesn’t know how to handle the relationship. I never thought about it this way. I always thought that H was confident and knew what he was doing in life. He always made friends very easy and could start a conversation with the strangers at the bars and anywhere. I think that he does have issues that he’s been successfully hiding all these years. I think that he never fully recovered from his parent’s divorce.

Yesterday I went to my sister’s house for dinner. She and her H got on my case again about my sitch. It was mostly my sister who was talking. I was told so many different things… That H has been using me while enjoying his life… That I’m waiting for something that is not going to happen… That even if he returns, the relationship are never going to be the same and just go downhill again… That people were born to be alone (like you are born alone and you will die alone)… That I should be tired of being a doormat… That I just need to get rid of everything that reminds me of H, because I just have to move on…

So, I ended up crying. They tried to calm me down, then kind of apologized for being hard on me. But, still said that it is all for my own good. I came home with the thought that they might be right and I need to get rid of all the stuff and start the D process.

This morning I woke up feeling sick and down. It is just like a groundhog day all over again… I’m feeling sick physically too, and it scares me a little.

H sent an e-mail this afternoon where he was supposed to attach the last file with the last expenses (he forgot to attach the file.) He sounds very upbeat and happy. Yeah, he is going to be on vacation/party break for a few months. Today I wished he didn’t contact me again anymore. I didn’t expect him to send me any e-mails for some time.