Here I Am Again!

[Missmygirl]

It's been a long time since I was last on these boards. So long, in fact, that I couldn't remember my screen name or my password, so I've adopted a new name that accurately reflects my feelings today.

After spending many, many hours here last year reading and posting, I started to feel that I was becoming consumed with the disfunction in my marriage with my wife, whom I will refer to from here on out as "E". The steady decline in the frequency of communication between us and the increase in tension within our interactions was very distressing for me. I came here to look for solutions and the "silver bullet" that would get us back together as a closely knit couple.

When I didn't find that silver bullet here, I searched elsewhere. I've read book after book on marriage relationships. I've visited forums and websites in search of a formula or tool that would help me and my wife become close again. I am here to tell you that silver bullet doesn't exist.

I have tried all kinds of changes and approaches. So many different ones, that E says it's like I keep trying on different outfits at a clothing store. She never knows what I will step out of the changing room wearing and she doesn't think she knows who I am anymore.

What I have learned is this... change to get a response in E isn't good. That's not why I am supposed to change. I am supposed to change because I recognize a flaw in myself, either because I see it first, or E has pointed it out to me. I am supposed to change because I want to be a good husband and friend to her, NOT because I want her to do something in return.

After looking back on all the things I have tried, I have realized that there is one thing I haven't, and that is to change myself because I recognize my failures and flaws and I OWN them.

If I can encourage you all here to do ONE thing, it is this... PLEASE see your faults and failings and recognize them as YOURS. Look at your failed marriage and take ownership for what YOU have done wrong and do your absolute best to stop focusing on your spouse's faults. Then make the changes you KNOW you need to make in yourself. NOT to effect any response from your husband or wife, but to make yourself into the partner that they have hoped for you to be.

Our relationship is really messed up. I have looked at E as the source of our problems and she has looked at me as the source. In doing so, we both have maintained our positions and neither one of us has corrected the course of our failing marriage. Because of this, in tears, E has told me that she needs to be separated from me. I know this means at least a separation. It very well likely means a divorce. She is in pain and I am the source of that pain. She says she needs space and time away from me to heal.

I am a slow learner. Please don't follow in my footsteps. Change yourself. No expectations of ANYTHING in return from your spouse. Don't try to change them. If you try to do that, you will communicate to them that you don't love them and accept them as they are. You want to be loved unconditionally. Your spouse feels the same.