Accepting the Confusion - It is what it is Part 5

[tigerlily78]

I've become more quiet, more introspective....slower to react...and I feel like I'm constantly stuffing my own feelings down so that I don't overreact to something. Is this ok? Or unhealthy? I'm not sure yet.

My mom made a comment at Thanksgiving that I keep thinking about.

She said that she's tired of me talking about "changing me to be a better me"...she said that I'm already a "good person" and that H needs to change. I know she just doesn't "see" what I'm trying to accomplish.

Angela... stuffing things down is NOT healthy, BUT being able to step back from a situation in the moment and NOT react impulsively is good. From what I have read on meditation, this is considered finding a way to be an "observer in your own life." Rather than being awash in your own emotions and letting them force your reactions/behavior... you find a way to stand "behind yourself" and "outside of the experience" and try to see it from a different perspective... one that allows you to account for the other person and the influences they are bringing to the situation and what your true desires are, what is the bigger picture. Then you determine your actions with that wider perspective in mind, not the narrow influence of your immediate emotions. LATER, when you have time to REFLECT on the situation is when you let yourself process those emotions... journaling, ranting, or whatever. But in the moment, you have to try to be outside yourself.

Am I successful at this yet? Hell, no.

But I understand the point of it and why it would be valuable to work on. You and I used to get "brownie points" for being witty and clever and sarcastic... and there may still be situations where that is okay and enjoyed by others. But we both have to decide to let that go in our MLC situation, because it is hurting us, not helping us.

And I KNOW it is hard. You just want to reach out and give your H a little sting... but "getting revenge" or "getting in that sting" only makes us feel good in the short term. I feel like you are I are SO similar. I understand the situation with your Mom too. I know that most people outside my R would say I am FANTASTIC and wonderful... it is hard for them to see or accept that I also contributed to some of the issues in my R. Maybe the issues I contributed to were more minor compared to other things, but it was all the issues combined that broke the camel's back. I can accept my faults and work on them, even if I am already a pretty good person.