Accepting the Confusion - It is what it is Part 5

[Feenix]

Pud,

I think this is good: "Sarcasm is anger's ugly cousin."

I need to remember this when I feel like I want to say something sarcastic.

And, I do am finally starting to feel more detached...finally! Lol!

I created another FB account with my user name on here with Db added on the end! Find me and add me, please....DB peeps!

And, T2....I'm going to need more space to ponder your insights....see below!

[Pudmuddle]

You are added! I spread the word to the group, so you may have a zillion friend requests

[Feenix]

Okay, T2...you gave me lots to think about.

Sarcasm/catty is often times veiled anger and passive aggressive. And I should know, I used to think sarcasm was the highest art form of humor.

Hhhmmm. I never thought of it this way, but this is so true! I have often used sarcasm when I was angry but didn’t want to “start a fight” or when I wanted to get back at H without seeming like I was.

Which begs the question, what is the MOTIVE behind the sarcasm/catty?

So, I would say that I probably use sarcasm, in regards to my H, as a way to say something hateful but seem like I’m joking. Not a nice thing to do now that I think about it.

Do you have an idea defined for who you want to be, even if not complete?

Thanks to uR, I have been writing down notes on the kind of person that I want to be. I don’t want to be catty or snide. I don’t want to be mean or hateful. I want to be kind, nice, forgiving, compassionate, happy, joyful, content, thankful, honorable…filled with grace, strength, and peace. For a start. LOL.

I've become more quiet, more introspective....slower to react...and I feel like I'm constantly stuffing my own feelings down so that I don't overreact to something. Is this ok? Or unhealthy? I'm not sure yet.

Being a Mr. Spock type myself, and years of martial arts training, I can't see where the bold above is a problem...

But how does that feel? Do you feel more in control of you? Does it work to slow down the reaction, maybe it avoids having to do damage control after the fact? Is that valuable to you?

It actually feels pretty good! I feel way more in control! I feel like I’m becoming someone that handles her anger/hurt in a more respectable way. It is way less damaging to me, to H, to our kids, to our M. I used to overreact to everything. It feels way better to be better in control of that. So, why am I questioning it? Ugh.

When you stuff the feelings of the moment down, do you still acknowledge them, maybe tell them you will attend to them later, at a better time than the present? And do you follow through and attend to them later?

I do sometimes go back and think on those feelings that I stuffed down…and am often surprised to find that once the initial feeling has passed…it’s really not that important anymore.

Maybe it just feels strange to me to let so many things go because the “old” me would have reacted to each feeling/thought. The “new” me is much less reactive.

Just some questions and thoughts, I am going through another cycle of all that up there ^^^. I'm asking myself along with you...

I appreciate you sharing your thinking questions!

[Feenix]

BF,

I guess it's part of the process...but it's interesting that we work so hard at making all these changes. Changes that do make us better people...but then, we start to question ourselves.

I totally understand the sarcasm thing. I work with teens all day...and "funny" sarcasm often works well with them...but I can see how it doesn't work the same in a marriage.

Sorry you are back to crying....I'm sure I'll cycle back to that, eventually. Seems like we cycle as much as our MLCers do!

I think the "limbo" thing is one of the hardest things we go through. Just the not knowing for sure what to do/say.... or NOT do/say...it wears us out!

And, yes, I do feel pretty good about the changes that I'm making. I feel like I am making them for myself...just comments of others (like my mom) can cause me to doubt myself and why I'm doing all this.

So glad I have all of you to keep reminding me!!!

[Feenix]

Yep...I spoke too soon about the crying.

H started texting me about Christmas plans...He has already made plans with his family and OUR kids that exclude me and I literally JUST found out.

I tried to discuss this nicely with him...and he started spewing. Name calling and saying I'm vindictive. That everything is my fault again. That I will end up ruining Christmas for the kids because I'm such a B****. And on and on.

He is saying that my big mouth has ruined it. And for once, I wasn't even saying ANYTHING!

I feel like a truck has hit me. He says it's really over this time.

[BrightFuture]

Angela, he is continuing to be an @ss. Sounds like he is looking for any excuse just to say these words that it is over. He is very angry right now because he cannot figure out what it good for him.

Didn’t he have kids for Thanksgiving too and you were not invited? I vaguely remember that it was the case, but I could be wrong. How did the kids take it? Do they say anything about you being excluded from his family?

[Feenix]

Yep, BF, he is continuing to be an @ss. Big time.

Today is NOT a good day. H texted me all night...calling me names...and I let myself get drawn into yet, another, nasty fight.
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He "tried" to do that at Thanksgiving with the kids but his family wanted me there, too, so I went.

And, then H had a HUGE fit about it, later....said I was trying to "weasel" my way into his family, etc. (Um, we've been together 16 years....I'm already IN his family, but whatever!)

The difference this time is that some of his family are on his side. I found out this morning that he told them all last weekend, while he was there hunting, that he is filing for D after Christmas. So, some of them don't want me there for Christmas.

His mom wants me there, but not his sister. She's turned into a back stabbing lady, for sure. She accused me of lying and making this stuff up. Said the didn't believe the affair even happened. Whatever.

The kids are sad. I'm trying to protect them but he keeps making it my fault. Keeps trying to put the kids in the middle.

I'm just so exhausted.

The truth is....I feel so low today that I don't WANT to go decorate H's grandma's tree tomorrow with all of them...

And, my bday is on Christmas Day and I don't want to spend it with H or his family or MY family.

H is an @$$. His family is believing every single lie he is telling them. My family won't leave me alone about leaving H. I just want to be away from it all.

I only want to be around my kids. Period.

If I had the money, I'd go away for Christmas break! Tell all of them to F off....except my sweet kiddos, of course!

[BrightFuture]

I feel for you, Angela. This must be so hard, when family members add to the mix of already crazy MLC behavior. It must be hard on the kids too. I remember when my parent had a dispute about going to grandma’s for a holiday dinner. My Mom put a show that she didn’t want to be there and everybody else was trying to convince her to stay. I was in another room crying. I could not understand what was going on and why everybody could not just agree and have a happy family time. I wanted to fix it so badly, but didn’t know how. I think I was about 10.

Would your kids feel better if they stay with you for Christmas? Especially that it is your B-day too.

[tigerlily78]

I've become more quiet, more introspective....slower to react...and I feel like I'm constantly stuffing my own feelings down so that I don't overreact to something. Is this ok? Or unhealthy? I'm not sure yet.

My mom made a comment at Thanksgiving that I keep thinking about.

She said that she's tired of me talking about "changing me to be a better me"...she said that I'm already a "good person" and that H needs to change. I know she just doesn't "see" what I'm trying to accomplish.

Angela... stuffing things down is NOT healthy, BUT being able to step back from a situation in the moment and NOT react impulsively is good. From what I have read on meditation, this is considered finding a way to be an "observer in your own life." Rather than being awash in your own emotions and letting them force your reactions/behavior... you find a way to stand "behind yourself" and "outside of the experience" and try to see it from a different perspective... one that allows you to account for the other person and the influences they are bringing to the situation and what your true desires are, what is the bigger picture. Then you determine your actions with that wider perspective in mind, not the narrow influence of your immediate emotions. LATER, when you have time to REFLECT on the situation is when you let yourself process those emotions... journaling, ranting, or whatever. But in the moment, you have to try to be outside yourself.

Am I successful at this yet? Hell, no.

But I understand the point of it and why it would be valuable to work on. You and I used to get "brownie points" for being witty and clever and sarcastic... and there may still be situations where that is okay and enjoyed by others. But we both have to decide to let that go in our MLC situation, because it is hurting us, not helping us.

And I KNOW it is hard. You just want to reach out and give your H a little sting... but "getting revenge" or "getting in that sting" only makes us feel good in the short term. I feel like you are I are SO similar. I understand the situation with your Mom too. I know that most people outside my R would say I am FANTASTIC and wonderful... it is hard for them to see or accept that I also contributed to some of the issues in my R. Maybe the issues I contributed to were more minor compared to other things, but it was all the issues combined that broke the camel's back. I can accept my faults and work on them, even if I am already a pretty good person.

[Feenix]

Tiger,

T2 came up with Sarcasm Abatement Program (SAP) the other day on FB....that's what I'm working on. Less sarcasm toward H. I had to try it out today, actually. We spent a lot of time together in the car and at his parents'....and I had written "STFU" on my hand to remind myself to be nice. LOL!

I had to make myself NOT say stuff a couple of times...but it worked! H was actually wondering why I was being so nice...especially since he was not being nice.

And, yeah, I agree with you on the faults thing. I'm basically a good person, but I'm not perfect. I have things that I can definitely work on...and I'm okay with that.

I just gotta quit letting my mom, and others, get in my head!