I keep thinking of giving my W a compliment. We don't talk much now that we are separate and I keep thinking of the same thing today but have not acted on it. I didn't really tell her how proud I am of her, but I guess at this stage, I'll have to wait until she contacts me to bring it up...? agree?
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
I keep thinking of giving my W a compliment. We don't talk much now that we are separate and I keep thinking of the same thing today but have not acted on it. I didn't really tell her how proud I am of her, but I guess at this stage, I'll have to wait until she contacts me to bring it up...? agree?
If she fits the mold of all the WAW's I've read about and known, she doesn't want to hear any compliments from her LBH. My H tried it with me and it completely turned my stomach! I realize you probably don't understand why. A WAW is like a different animal that you cannot compare with any other. You sure can't compare her to the way she "used to be". She's not that girl any longer. She doesn't like you, and worse, she's turned off by you. The best thing you could do would be to stay out of sight & sound as much as possible. The more you stay out of contact now, the more chance you will have in the future.
Forget about kissing up with compliments...or anything else. It will backfire.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
thanks. I didn't do it. she's getting "darker" and using much less contact as the days progress. is that part of this process as well? is gets worse before it gets better? I just keep working on me. also she was the "distancer" all thru the marriage. So I don't think she cares much if I pull away. I guess we'll see. great advice. I am just moving around in the shadows and going about my business. She doesn't even come into the house anymore. she did during the first few days. but I played it cool and now she doesn't anymore.
Friends tell me she's very tired and upset by all this. I only see a cold person when I see her. And that is getting less and less each day.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
In the threads I've read, they usually get worse before getting better.....but I think it happens more whenever the LBH presses her. He may see what he does as "fighting for the marriage", but she sees it as pressure. The more pressure from him, the worse things can go for the M.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She was the distancer your entire marriage because YOU were the pursuer. Now its time to reverse the roles and that is the main concept behind DBing and sandis 37 rules.....
You distance to create space between in the hopes that she will move to fill that space. The more space you put between you the better!
Listen to sandi. She knows what's up.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
