What goes up must come down. There are however, various forms and speeds of descent; some far preferable to others. Whilst you are right to suspect that a particular 'good thing' can't last forever, you are wrong to feel that it's going to end any moment now, or that whenever it does end, the end is going to be painful. You have got more control over your situation than you imagine. You can't make everything go the way you want it to but you can now avoid many pitfalls and problems with a little calm, clever planning.
1> He called me in the middle of the day and left a really sweet message on my phone!
2> He greeted me happily when I got home!
3> We had an interesting philosophical discussion about Time Travel.
4> We played more FF.
5> When I went to bed early, he came with me!
6> During the night, I got out of bed a couple of times. Each time that I came back to bed, he'd put his arm around me and pull me closer....in his sleep!!
Just wanted to stop in and say how wonderful it is to see where you are in your sit. I have printed out your threads from last year and am reading throught them.
What an amazing job you did in handling so many of the common issues. I am picking up many tips and getting many new perspectives to think about.
Many Thanks PNT and Best wishes for your continued success!
I still haven't been able to go back and read my old threads...too much raw pain for me.
I'm so glad they are helping you!
So, I had a wonderful weekend with my husband and his family.
Btw, I've been keeping a positives notebook on paper...that's why I haven't been posting positives.
So, Friday night, Husband and I drove to his mother's house.
His mom greeted me happily. Wonderful baby step!
Made me feel really good.
Saturday, we helped her organize one room. Ok...people...she has carted 30 years worth of 5 sons and an ex-husband along with her throughout several moves. Her bedroom is so cluttered, she can't safely get to her bed. So she sleeps on the living room couch.
Husband and I helped her with the dining room. We threw away 4 huge bags full of stuff. I'm talking the huge lawn bags. So, we made great progress...but man I was so tired after!
Now, let me back up. Friday night, Husband and she were spending time on the computer. She was giving him advice on job searching. Now previously, she had told him to put 'willing to relocate' on his resume. I had asked him about it. He said he just didn't want to argue with her and just said 'ok'.
Now from the begining, I've done my best to make it clear to husband that this town feels like home to me. I'm getting along really well with my parents who live 6 minutes away from our home. For the past 12 years, I've lived in one place for 3 years at the most...and I'm ready to settle down and stop moving all over.
I've told husband on numerous occasions that I intend to buy our house from my parents and raise any kids we may have, in our town.
So, the reason I tried to make this so clear to Husband is because he likes the idea of moving every so often. He's like his mom in that way.
In fact, I was telling him straight out that I was in my town to stay, before he even moved in with me!
Ok...so getting back to Friday night. I heard him and his mom talking about applying for different jobs in different states.
Y'all would be so proud of me. I kept telling myself that he's just avoiding conflict and humoring her. I kept myself from exploding or having a panic attack.
So, Saturday comes along and Husband's Mom has a friend join us for breakfast.
The friend asks Husband if he is willing to locate. So, the moment of truth. Will he say in front of his mom that he's staying with me?
He looks me in the eye and then tells friend that he's not willing to relocate. Friend says well, there's some great jobs that you can get if you are willing. If you are interested give me your resume.
Husband says, "Great! I shall."
Actions and words not matching up.
I'm begining to panic.
I pull him aside.
A very long intense conversation ensues.
I tell him that I've made it as clear as I possibly can. I'm not willing to relocate. If he wants to take a high paying job elsewhere...that's wonderful for him. But I won't be going with him.
He asks, "If I get a high-paying job and you don't have to work, you won't come with me?"
Now the old, PIB would have said, absolutely, husband I'll follow you anywhere.
The new me, still found it difficult, but I said, "Husband, please hear me. I am not trying to invalidate all the hard work and effort you've put into our relationship. However, I will not allow myself to be in a position like I was before when you walked. I don't think you will walk again, but I CAN NOT take that chance. For my own sake, I need to keep my job and keep working towards financial independence."
Folks, the look on his face broke my heart. I was not able to find a delicate way to state it. I'm not sure if there is a non-hurtful way to say it.
He started putting on his coat...and I thought he was fleeing from me and what I'd said. So, I started backing away.
He asked me to join him outside so that we could continue to talk.
I did.
He said he understood where I was coming from. He told me that he wasn't going to walk again. That he was looking at these other jobs to gather information. That he wasn't planning on taking any job away from me.
I told him that I wanted him to stand up for me and tell his mom and everyone else in the world that he's committed to me and staying with me.
He kept saying it was none of her business.
I tried to explain how much it meant to me that he stand up and publicly state that he was committed to me. He couldn't understand or I couldn't explain it clearly enough. I'm not sure which.
In any case, as for the job applications. I told him that it was like him going to a bar and getting phone numbers from girls. And then him telling me that he had no intention of calling any of them...he was just gathering information.
He said that was a great analogy and that he understood where I was coming from.
And then his mom joined us. And he said, "Hey mom...I wanted to tell you that I have no intention of taking a job elsewhere. I'm staying with PIB in our town and getting a job there."
I told him he was my hero.
This post is getting long, so, I'll continue with next post.
The rest of the day, His mom goes on and on about how staying in our town limits his job possibilities.
She keeps saying, now is the time to travel, before you have children and before PIB's parents need you near.
I kept responding each time, I want to stay near my parents now. I've travelled all I want to, don't feel the need to anymore.
I also kept responding, Yes, Husband will be limiting his job choices, but since he still has a job, we don't need to be in a hurry to find one. We can wait until he gets a job at the University. It'd be a different story if he was out of a job..but he's not...so it's ok if the job search takes some time.
On and on all day.
Sigh. I told husband I could see why he was so reluctant to tell her. She just would not listen.
I told him I'd had enough...the next time she brought it up again, I was going to tell her, "Mom, I understand where you are coming from, but our decision is final. Let's stop talking about it."
She didn't bring it up again...which is good, cause I was sooo ready to state it bluntly, as trying to be kind and patient and gentle all day hadn't worked.
So, Husband was in the shower, and I was in our room, writing in my 'positives journal'. She came in and puttered around for a bit. Then finally sat on the bed near me and asked me why I felt that my relationship with my parents was so much better now.
So, I started talking about Divorce Busting and the 5 love languages.
I told her that I figured out what my parents love language was and that made such a huge difference in our relationship. I explained to her about how people get stuck in doing the same, thinking they are doing different. That I tend to get stuck talking a problem to death. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. (She laughed loud and hard over that one.)
And she really heard me.
She said, "that this stuff sounds great if the other person is willing to change too. In my case, Ex was an alcoholic and that stuff wouldn't have made a difference."
Now, Michele forgive me, but I agreed with her that in her case, she couldn't have done anything to save her marriage. I mean, My Father-in-law is remarried for 7 years now. So, even if she could have saved her marriage way back when, there's no point in telling her that now. I don't know if his alcoholism is a legitamate excuse or not...
Mom also said somewhere in the conversation that when Husband walked, I was devasted and that gave me the courage to make the changes I needed to make.
I agreed with her assesment and told her that I also went on anti-Dep for awhile and that helped me too. I was quick to tell her that I have been off the meds for about a year now.
And that when I was first dating my husband, I wasn't getting along with my parents and had told her about it. I said, "Looking back on it, I couldn't see how angry I was that I had a horrible relationship with my parents. But my relationship with my parents is so important to me...and now that we are getting along, I don't want to lose it."
I think she finally understood that I was completely committed to staying near my parents in my town.
And I felt like we bonded. I felt like she heard me and respected me.
And wow, that felt really great.
So, then Husband and I went with her to buy some replacement lights at Home Depot. As we were walking around the store, she kept putting her arm around me and asking my opinion on stuff.
So, I think we have a happy ending on that!
Husband and I spent Sunday with his father and youngest brother. We went to see "50 First Dates" with Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler.
I was roaring with laughter, that movie was sooo great.
Despite the intense conversations and stuff, husband and I were able to bond over it.
And we both came back feeling like we had a wonderful time.
And one last thing. Husband said he could see how he's a little bit like his mom.
He acknowledged that I couldn't have made it any clearer that I was in my town to stay. But that he didn't want to hear it.
We had a good laugh about that.
He told me that he'd do anything for me. (Made me melt with happiness!) And that in order to satisfy his craving for adventure, we'd take vacations to exotic places, rather than moving all over.
!