Starting to get it

[mustardseed]

I'm getting close to the 100 mark on my last post so I figured I'd start a new thread. Here is a link to my old thread and my last message there.
Figuring it all out

Thanks for the advice. Yes I have read and reread Sandi's rules and I haven't initiated R talks except for last night because I guess I was temperature checking. I don't know if I was very clear in my last post because I was kind of in a rush when I was typing. He wanted to, I was considering it, but before I made up my mind I just had to know if his mind had changed at all. That was when the R talk came up. His responses were better than a few months ago, but not where I need them to be to feel comfortable so rather than going ahead with ML I told him I think it would be best if I just went to bed.

My sadness comes from having to say no to him, when I really wanted to say yes. But also because he isn't where I was hoping he would be. But I am very proud of myself. For the first time I set a boundary and stuck with it. The last time we ML it felt like the right thing to do, and it served its purpose. It eased the tension, it gave me some hope. If I gave in last night I would have been making it easy for him. Setting up a precedent that he doesn't have to work at this relationship if he wants me back. So I know I did the right thing by passing up his advances even if it hurts to have to say no. Today I was worried things would be awkward, but they actually seem better than before. I think because for the first time since this all happened I feel like he knows that even though I want him back, I am not going to compromise my needs to make that happen.

I know we probably aren't any where near piecing right now, but it was good practice for making sure I don't let my desire for quick fixes impede the work we need to do to have a better marriage than before.