DIG DEEP DIG ON

[Ambivalent]

Thanks you guys.

I'm still a bit tender, but today was so busy the crying wasn't allowed to take control.

Today was a very stressful day. I am estranged from my parents. I don't want to go into detail, but it was a choice I made many years ago, for my psychological health.

I e-mailed my parents. It was the hardest thing for me to do. I have never asked them for anything, that way I couldn't be manipulated, or guilted into a compliance.

My father cheated on my mother and my mother had him leave. She rues that to this day. My father was a practicing attorney for many years. He can be a bast-rd. He will agree.

I cried my heart out last night to my mom, I did not ask her for a dime, if she offered that would be her call. She did not, but she did call my father, who lives in Mississippi. Love writing that state, I can still here the sing song way we learned to spell it!

Anyway, he called this morning. I was overwhelmed with the project, my computers were BOTH acting up and he was taking time away from something I had to get done.

I did something I've never done with him. I let him in after thirty years of only one contact. I balled my eyes out , and listened to him express his concern for me. It was genuine. He is not the same man that he was when I was developing from a child to a teen, to a woman.

What they say about men becoming more sensitive in older age is true. He said something he would NEVER would have said back then.

" I wish I were there so you could place your head on my shoulder and comfort you." Just writing this brings me to tears. I never felt compassion from him ever, nor was he ever a daddy. He was a loving caring man on the phone today, he is 85 years old. My mother had shared my circumstances and he called.

He counseled me, offered me a sum of money, and he listened . When all was said and done, he wired money into my account by five today and called back to say he doubled it. To take one hundred dollars of the money and do something nice for myself.

I'm still shocked , and a bit a peace.

I can give my daughters some small gifts, and I have a bit of comfort knowing it is in the bank. I apologized for having to take the money and he was saddened that I felt I needed to apologize. He has come out of his tunnel. Never thought he would.

I have carried pain from my childhood for many years. I forgave my parents many years ago in my heart. And I proceeded with life to stay healthy.

He too told me to check into legal aide in our state. I postponed todays meeting 'til next Friday. I was behind on the project. My computers were acting up and even my cell decided not to cooperate with sending photos via e-mail.

I had to drive to my daughter's place, have her format from what I had written on paper. Then she uploaded the info onto a stick drive. I was an hour and a half late to school, and had to wait forty five minutes to print the information out .

It was a very tough day. Too many emotions and keeping focused was brutal. I was a mess.

As for your state Job, he has to be a resident to file. Which means it has to be six months. He has only been there four. I believe he wants to get out of that state, because he would get killed in taxes. Your state just passed a law on anyone making 100k or more.

So if he files in that state, it would be very unlikely. It would cost him even more money.

My gal wants to file immediately , to beat him to it, and to get retro. a.

I know everyone says to protect myself, look out for me. I will do it.

I have to admit that I feel dirty. It is a horrible feeling to love someone and to have been so intimate and then prepare to conspire behind their backs. Anyway one looks at it , it IS what is done.

I feel tainted, and unclean. I too , don't want to fight about anything, yet I know he is not in the state of mind to reason. He has made so many poor choices and ones that I strongly am at odds about.

I do feel better about doing this after Christmas, it just wouldn't set right with me.

On another note, I did follow up on the first job interview yet again. The gal was pleased and expressed that follow up was so appreciated! It was between me and another gal.

She made tentative plans to have me come in for training the week after Christmas. I will be e-mailed to solidify. She mentioned that my money expectations have never been paid for that position before, and she was going to bat for me on that. I suggested she sell me as a mature , reliable/dependent individual who has experience under her belt and I'm worth it!

She enthusiastically agreed. Funny, I'm already selling myself with a bit more fortitude.

This I the job where I would be showering at three in the morning and leaving by four to get there to open by five! Good God what am I thinking? I also made sure she knew that I would need time off for my boards and that I wanted to be considered for the spa esthetician position at the club.

She made a point to let me know absolutely and that they have two rooms free and they like to stay booked! Being at the front desk gives me an advantage there. So it may end up being two part time jobs at one location!

Bad news about health insurance though. Once divorced I cannot be on his policy. The LAST thing I need to worry about is this Obamacare law. It absolutely devastates me on so many levels. The fact that I'm pretty healthy and to be forced into a contract to purchase something that has to be deemed acceptable from my Federal Government just about kills me. It is wrong and it is not governing by the people but over the people.

I would rather go a few years and bank that money for a nest egg, rather than pay for something other than catastrophic insurance.

This just brings me down.