Divorcebusting.com  |  Contact      
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 3 1 2 3
AJM #2416059 12/19/13 01:49 PM
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,711
Likes: 255
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,711
Likes: 255
I agree with AJ there....

I don't think that you want to kill the fear...

What I think that you HAVE gained in all of this, is exactly what you were lacking then...

And that is that now, you know the difference, and you are more cognizant when there is a button pushed, or a trigger pulled...

You didn't have that tool in your box years ago...

Knowing that something is different, or wrong, and having the ability to work through individual issues, instead of killing the whole thing, and expecting that you know what the future holds....

Expecting that you CAN kill those will drive you to failure quicker than the actual failure will...

You can expect to fail , you cannot predict the future, and know exactly the issues that you will have to deal with...

I think maybe you are having "new" Daddy issues there buddy...

And we have all been through those...

You want to give them everything....and there is nothing wrong with that...

What you will find is...that teaching them to think for themself is the best thing that you can give them...

They will learn much from you Grit....

Mostly from watching you

I know that I have too....

Mach1 #2416080 12/19/13 03:00 PM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,906
Likes: 1
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,906
Likes: 1
Grit that is it "should" and "must" words are absolutes. Those works will cause u problems. What you are doing is called negative thinking due to irrational beliefs. The belief that you have to achieve otherwise you are no good. Is that a rational way to live? When you think in either or ways it takes away choices. We can never achieve perfection.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





AJM #2416172 12/19/13 08:44 PM
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 2,698
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 2,698
Originally Posted By: AJM

If you're setting an unrealistic goal, where did you get that goal, TG? Who would think less of you if you didn't achieve it?



I have been thinking about this hard.

The goal definitely came from inside me. It is based on proving my worth. If I don't achieve I am not worthy.

Who will think less of me is me...

Why?

This is how I have been wired since I can remember. My achievement meant approval=worthy=loved

And

So it goes the opposite is true.

I do engage in negative thoughts because of this. It feels futile at times and as I have said exhausting.

This voice in my head that drives me and criticizes me. Convinces me that if I don't succeed the world will crumble.

So the advice here is that I need to reframe my world. The people I care about wouldn't judge me for my failures and love me unconditionally ...

That is new.

Now

I need to learn to love myself unconditionally.

The monster here is not some boogey man that hops out from some unknown hiding place.

It's the guy in the mirror isn't it?

I guess I could get caught up in figuring out where,when and why I adopted this survival strategy of driving myself to achieve

I am not sure my energy needs to be wasted going down that rabbit hole.

So here is a question:

How do you know you are loved?

This came up recently and I have my answer but I would like to hear some others.

Then I will share mine.

My plan from here is to show myself as I do those I love, that I am loved.

It sounds really corny but I think there is a little boy inside my head still that doesn't feel like he is.

I think it is incredible that as I endeavor to be the best father to my new family that it is helping me tackle the biggest question in my life.

It is almost like I am reparenting myself.

F@cking weird!


My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 461
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 461
Originally Posted By: Truegritter



It sounds really corny but I think there is a little boy inside my head still that doesn't feel like he is.

I think it is incredible that as I endeavor to be the best father to my new family that it is helping me tackle the biggest question in my life.

It is almost like I am reparenting myself.

F@cking weird!


Weird. I feel like its not reparenting as much as it is rewiring or taking ourselves off autopilot. The programming that we have been given by our parents and others is what sets our course. We have become "aware" at this point. It has become our decision to rechart that course. Disengage autopilot and start flying our own plane.

Nothing about what you've said feels corny. In my shoes, it feels very real. I'm discovering a boy that never was loved or validated the way he needed to be. He was loved, but not the way he needed it. He became a man that didn't know how to communicate his love needs. He became a man that found that approval and worthiness at work and other places. I never felt worthy in my M and didn't know how to communicate it to W.

Reprogramming, rewiring, reparenting. Filling up life's toolbox. Picking up new skills. That's the work.


Both 40
T-22 M-18
S13
S11

Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13
EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13
EA #2-9/13/13

Moved out and Legally Separated 6/14

"Success is a journey, not a destination."
JFun51 #2416187 12/19/13 09:09 PM
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
J
Moderator
Offline
Moderator
J
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
Quote:

How do I teach my children the value of failure?

How do I help them see that failure is not who they are?


Games.

Failure can teach you how to succeed. Games are a way to lose/fail that shouldn't shape a person negatively.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
By not saving them every time they get stuck or are on the verge of making a mistake. I hesitate to call it failure because even tho we may fail at things, we are not failures.

If you never fail at anything, you've never tried anything new.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2416247 12/19/13 11:59 PM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 8
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 8
True, I have felt as you have. Deep into my soul. Not good enough, not worthy. Heard it my whole life from my mother and my xh.

I have written about my mirrors. The ones I had were from broken people, so what they reflected back was broken, too.

So, I needed to get new ones. I watched how people reacted to me. Felt how people felt about me. Put myself out there more in order to do that, to get that.

And then I worked on the most important mirror. My own. I decided what I needed to see in order to feel worthy, whole, loved, enough.

I needed to see and feek that I was a good person, that I lived a worthy life. I needed to know that I was a good mother, a good sister, aunt, friend. I knew I wanted to act with dignity and grace and that I had the traits I needed in order to do that.

I know that my mother and my h were wrong about me. I know that because of what I see reflected back to me - in people's words and actions and hearts.

True, I know how much you want to be a great dad. I know how big your heart is, how hard you worked, how much you care.

So, shine up your own mirror, T, and see what everyone else sees.

You are worthy, you are enough, you are loved.

uRworthy #2416250 12/20/13 12:04 AM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 8
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 8
This is how you show your children - you live everyday being your best you.

Sometimes you make it, sometimes you dont, but that should always be the goal.

Be true to you and your beliefs. Let them see who you are.

Let them know that no matter what happens, you will always love them.

And most importantly, that you love yourself.

uRworthy #2416287 12/20/13 02:00 AM
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 187
Likes: 11
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 187
Likes: 11
Wow, this is getting deep but gets to the center of everything.

How do we not let fear guide us?

How do we listen to our soul and not our ego?

what is success?

All these questions are important. Over the last 10 years I came up with this saying. " livin the answers"

The answers come to me over time. Not on my time, not on other people's time but on the exact time it takes.

This is not an easy journey we take but....... given enough quiet time we begin to see little by little that it can help us be better. By better I mean more excepting that this journey is not about a destination but a living, breathing entity which we are the main character.

We have control over only our attitude, really nothing more. And........attitude can make all the difference.

Love yourself.....perfectly said uRworthly because ultimately we as LBS have to....need to and that makes our journey all the special to us.

Mirage

mirage #2416296 12/20/13 02:41 AM
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,375
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,375
Hey Grit,

Somewhat surprised by this but you have had some major changes lately.

Becoming a parent, as wonderful as it is, is scary stuff.

They don't come with instructions.

For a while anyway, they think you are the savior.

Eventually, they learn you are as human as they are.

And you know what, they still love you as much as they did when they were little.

You love them. You lead by example and match your actions and your words.

You will stumble. Its ok.

Ttyl



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Page 2 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Michele Weiner-Davis Training Corp. 1996-2025. All rights reserved.
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5