Hey everyone, I need to ramble a bit, hope you guys dont mind
So I went to see a D-attorney yesterday. I couldn't actually believe I was in an D-attorney's office. (also how much this is going to cost) Being in the attorney office really nailed home the fact that my wife truly wants a D. I knew it, she said it, I receive paper, but I didn't want to believe it. I still dont want to believe it. I still have hope, but keep telling myself no expectations.
When I returned home last night (later than usual) I did not mention where I went, nor did she ask where I have been, So I just left it at that. I did just find out she injured her jaw "again" at work a few weeks ago. I had no Idea she got injured or that she was in this much pain until last night. I was friendly and compassionate with her, offered a few suggestions and asked if there was anything I could do to help. I found it kind of odd that she wouldn't tell me. My guess is she is trying to be TOUGH, which would be like her, especially considering the circumstances.
Also, Im not feeling very well about my 180's and changes today. Im not faking them and I making these positive changes for myself. You see, my 180's and changes are sooo different (especially the drinking) that how I use to act/interact that Im afraid W is thinking Im making all this $h#t up to try and win her back. I don't feel I'm going overboard in anything and I'm being happy and upbeat when Im home. (atleast im trying to be) I've been listening and keeping eye contact with W, asking questions etc. I dont txt, email, call and neither does she.
I also realized that her small talk she has been making with me is more business like than I wanted to believe (its mainly focused on the kids, christmas presents, christmas plans, pick up times, work schedules etc) Now, every once in awhile its normal talk, and I get the Hi, how was your day, or thank you for... but no more normal than you would talk with your neighbor.
I've been going shopping quite a bit for myself. I've lost sooo much weight and im in the best shape (since I've been married) that nothing fits or looks good anymore. Went from a 36"w to a 32"w. I've got a few new shorts, jeans, shirts, boxers, shoes, socks, cologne etc. I feel and look like a new man. Other than that Im still working on GAL, but most of my friends are married with kids and dont really go out. We go fishing sometimes, but that is not a new hobby for me.
I think I already said this before, but I'm having a lot of trouble detaching. Im kind of being like a good friend to her (is that what I'm suppose to be doing?)
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
Being like a good friend is very compatible with detachment. Detachment is simply allowing her to have her feelings without letting her feelings dictate yours. You can feel good about yourself and positive about your life, even if you feel empathy that she is unhappy.
Why aren't you feeling good about your 180s? If you've made a decision to improve yourself, then it's going to really ring false if you would consider improving yourself a little less enthusiastically so that she won't think you're just trying to win her back. I can't even say that without getting all twisted up. You control exactly zero percent of what she thinks. She may have liked you better when you were your old way, she may get mad that you're improving while she's floundering, she may get mad that you're faking improvements, she may get mad that she's burned her bridges and wishes she hadn't but has too much pride to come back, she may be happy that you're doing so fine without her so she can move on. Those are just a few very likely possibilities. Would any one of them cause you to choose your old ways? I hope you say no. The answer is, don't do anything in hopes of getting her to think something, just do the right things to be who you should be. And FEEL GREAT ABOUT THAT!!!!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Would any one of them cause you to choose your old ways? I hope you say no. The answer is, don't do anything in hopes of getting her to think something, just do the right things to be who you should be. And FEEL GREAT ABOUT THAT!!!!
No, No, and No I would not change a thing that I am doing. I feel AWSOME about the changes I have made in my life. Everyone of them are positive changes that will effect my entire life. So there is truly no reason not keep up with the changes.
I am going to continue on with these changes WITH or WITHOUT her, but I am really, really, really, hoping it is WITH HER.
Does that make sense. Does anyone else feel this way too.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
Would any one of them cause you to choose your old ways? I hope you say no. The answer is, don't do anything in hopes of getting her to think something, just do the right things to be who you should be. And FEEL GREAT ABOUT THAT!!!!
No, No, and No I would not change a thing that I am doing. I feel AWSOME about the changes I have made in my life. Everyone of them are positive changes that will effect my entire life. So there is truly no reason not keep up with the changes.
I am going to continue on with these changes WITH or WITHOUT her, but I am really, really, really, hoping it is WITH HER.
Does that make sense. Does anyone else feel this way too.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Me too ScottCat. It is a rough ride and hard to keep from hoping they're changing their attitudes towards us in their heads/hearts. I need the constant reminders from the boards to detach too.
It is weird that sometimes the reaction is not what you think it will be - I think it drums home the idea to have no expectations and take whatever you get as a gift. I had what I thought was a significant setback last night - kids were crying at dinner after spending previous night as 1st night away at Dad's new apartment - so after almost an hour of comforting them while they cried, I called my husband and had him talk to the kids - then I took the phone and told him that they hadn't seen this coming and neither had I and that I couldn't understand how he couldn't work through things with me at least for their sake: I knew that this is against my recent attempts to go dim and just leave things alone, but I get so sad when the kids are so sad too and try to get through to him. Well, this morning he texted that he wants to come to share dinner and watch a movie with us tonight. I don't get it. I also need not to read too much into it - because he is trying to make the kids happy, not me. I need to detach. Detach. Detach.
M 20 yrs me 47 H 51 s11 d8
BD 10/8/13 H Moved out 11/30/13 OW slept over with children Dec '13 OW moved in w/H Jan '14
...I have been feeling angry/upset/frustrated etc, toward the WAS during the past couple days. Frustrated about the fact the WAS held in her true feelings for sooo long. She must have been considering this D for years. How does someone let themselves get to a point that a D is the only answer, the only hope? Why the heck wouldn't you seek counseling, talk to a friend, your brother/sister, scream, yell, kick. My W didn't and she admitted it.
I completely admit that our marriage was not the greatest. I would have even told you our marriage was so-so before I knew she wanted a D. We had a "roommate" with occasional benefit type marriage. We were good friends and good teammates too. But, neither of us put much focus on our marriage, we focused on the kids, activities, events and everything else that life throws at you.
Im not sticking up for myself here. I know I was wrong and my actions/choices were horrible. I admit that, and now realize how foolish I was. I admit my WAS told me several times that we need help BADLY and we really need to get counseling. I never knew just how badly she meant. I would guess that she was already considering D when she was telling me that. SO why the hell wouldn't you say that to your spouse, why wouldn't you be honest about your true feeling. Maybe write a heart felt note, have a family member talk to you, intervention, I dont know something different to get your attention.
Like I've said before, "I've had my wake up call, and part of me wants to thank my WAS for opening my eye's to the way I was truly living."
I guess we have different perspective from this side of the fence, huh?
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
"She must have been considering this D for years. How does someone let themselves get to a point that a D is the only answer, the only hope? Why the heck wouldn't you seek counseling, talk to a friend, your brother/sister, scream, yell, kick."
ScottCat: Wow. Exactly same situation (except my walkaway was the husband). My sympathies. Good luck with the holidays.
M 20 yrs me 47 H 51 s11 d8
BD 10/8/13 H Moved out 11/30/13 OW slept over with children Dec '13 OW moved in w/H Jan '14
...I have been feeling angry/upset/frustrated etc, toward the WAS during the past couple days. Frustrated about the fact the WAS held in her true feelings for sooo long. She must have been considering this D for years.
When my W dropped the bomb, she said she had been unhappy for many years. Yet later when I asked her why she roped me into getting a pool a year before if she wasn't happy, her response was "I was still happy then". So what changed between then and BD? Nothing at all, I mean literally nothing. There is no reason for her to have been happy a year before BD and not happy at BD, because our M had been on auto-pilot for a DECADE. My point is once the WAS decides to BD, they then claim they were unhappy for years because they want to make it sound like this is something they have thought long and hard about.
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How does someone let themselves get to a point that a D is the only answer, the only hope? Why the heck wouldn't you seek counseling, talk to a friend, your brother/sister, scream, yell, kick. My W didn't and she admitted it.
Poor communication skills. It was a constant gripe throughout my marriage. I was an open book to my W, but she never told me anything willingly. I had to drag everything out of her in little bits and pieces. It was very frustrating. She opened up more in one weekend at Retrovaille than in our entire 25 years together before that. Unfortunately it was too late by then.
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I completely admit that our marriage was not the greatest. I would have even told you our marriage was so-so before I knew she wanted a D. We had a "roommate" with occasional benefit type marriage. We were good friends and good teammates too. But, neither of us put much focus on our marriage, we focused on the kids, activities, events and everything else that life throws at you.
Wow, deja' vu! I'm sure somewhere in my thread that is stated almost word-for-word! Excelt maybe for the ML part, that was fairly frequent throughout our M.
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I would guess that she was already considering D when she was telling me that. SO why the hell wouldn't you say that to your spouse, why wouldn't you be honest about your true feeling. Maybe write a heart felt note, have a family member talk to you, intervention, I dont know something different to get your attention.
I hear you. I wish there was a reasonable answer. All I can tell you is if your W is like mine, she simply can't communicate on that level. She was never given the proper tools. Everyone should have to go through Retrovaille BEFORE they get married.
Um, she said you needed marriage counseling badly. She DID tell you. Were you waiting for it to be written across the sky?
We all overlooked warning signs and we all thought we'd get more chances. Let it go, stop blaming her, and move forward from here.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
