The Brave Man

[JFun51]

How do you feel about him because of that?

I felt angry and let down because I needed him to be my rock when mom left. I felt angry because I thought he must not have tried hard enough to make her stay. I understand him so much more now. He was absolutely lost and devastated. So was I. We just didn't know how to help each other.

Did he ask you to be there for him? In what way do you think you could have been there for him? In what way was he not there for you?

He never asked for anything. I could have talked to him about anything. I was busy being angry and trying to run away into a new life for myself that I never thought about how destroyed he was. In the same way, he could have tried to make sure I was OK when my world had fallen apart. I didn't ask for his help because I was so angry and confused. I just ran away.

That is an easy answer for you then. What about now? What about the man you are becoming and the new J?

I am not trying to dredge up more guilt than you may already feel. You can't redo the past but you also aren't done with it yet.


Because this...

I have carried a lot of misunderstanding and guilt because of our relationship. I have felt like I was a bad son, especially in the end. I have felt like he abandoned me emotionally in a great time of need.

Is what you must look at with brutal truth.

Why do you feel guilty? What duty did you owe him? Why did you not fulfill it?

You can lie to yourself and you are f@cked

Believe those lies and you have failed.

Brutal truth. I was so angry at my parents for quitting on their M that I ran away from both of them. I was living with my Dad and he was lost. My mom was gone. Both of us were lost. I carried that anger and disconnect for a long time because neither one of us made the effort to be a part of each other's lives. I owed him being a better son because he was my Dad and he loved me no matter what I did. I was so selfish and prideful that I let it get in the way of loving him like I should have and being there more during the end. That's the guilt. I let him down because of my selfish pride. Neither one of us knew how to fix it.

This new man I am becoming takes this knowledge and understands that all of us are human. We are imperfect. We learn from all of our experiences. I am learning to value every relationship and put aside my pride and selfishness.