So, go get a bottle of Scotch, two shot glasses, and take a trip to "see" him....
Sit there and talk to him about where you are with this, and how you feel about this, and him. Tell him what was good, and tell him what was bad, and thank him for all that he gave to you.
I have already planned this one. After writing these words out, I told myself it's time to really bury that hatchet, dig that weed. Pudmuddle suggested a balloon, you've suggested a bottle of scotch, I'll share something with Dad this weekend. I've been pretty open with everyone here, but I'll be keeping that moment to myself.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
From what I have read , there is a lot of him in you..
He will hear you......
Thanks for that. I'm very proud of that. He was a good man that gave me everything he knew to give me.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
I have said many times that he missed the ultimate opportunity to be my hero then.
How do you feel about him because of that?
Originally Posted By: j
We disconnected as he went into depression and went out to a local club regularly instead of being there for me. I wasn't there for him either.
Did he ask you to be there for him? In what way do you think you could have been there for him? In what way was he not there for you?
Quote:
We both dropped the ball, but we didn't know any better.
That is an easy answer for you then. What about now? What about the man you are becoming and the new J?
I am not trying to dredge up more guilt than you may already feel. You can't redo the past but you also aren't done with it yet.
Because this...
Originally Posted By: J
I have carried a lot of misunderstanding and guilt because of our relationship. I have felt like I was a bad son, especially in the end. I have felt like he abandoned me emotionally in a great time of need.
Is what you must look at with brutal truth.
Why do you feel guilty? What duty did you owe him? Why did you not fulfill it?
You can lie to yourself and you are f@cked
Believe those lies and you have failed.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I felt angry and let down because I needed him to be my rock when mom left. I felt angry because I thought he must not have tried hard enough to make her stay. I understand him so much more now. He was absolutely lost and devastated. So was I. We just didn't know how to help each other.
Quote:
Did he ask you to be there for him? In what way do you think you could have been there for him? In what way was he not there for you?
He never asked for anything. I could have talked to him about anything. I was busy being angry and trying to run away into a new life for myself that I never thought about how destroyed he was. In the same way, he could have tried to make sure I was OK when my world had fallen apart. I didn't ask for his help because I was so angry and confused. I just ran away.
Quote:
That is an easy answer for you then. What about now? What about the man you are becoming and the new J?
I am not trying to dredge up more guilt than you may already feel. You can't redo the past but you also aren't done with it yet.
Because this...
Originally Posted By: J
I have carried a lot of misunderstanding and guilt because of our relationship. I have felt like I was a bad son, especially in the end. I have felt like he abandoned me emotionally in a great time of need.
Is what you must look at with brutal truth.
Why do you feel guilty? What duty did you owe him? Why did you not fulfill it?
You can lie to yourself and you are f@cked
Believe those lies and you have failed.
Brutal truth. I was so angry at my parents for quitting on their M that I ran away from both of them. I was living with my Dad and he was lost. My mom was gone. Both of us were lost. I carried that anger and disconnect for a long time because neither one of us made the effort to be a part of each other's lives. I owed him being a better son because he was my Dad and he loved me no matter what I did. I was so selfish and prideful that I let it get in the way of loving him like I should have and being there more during the end. That's the guilt. I let him down because of my selfish pride. Neither one of us knew how to fix it.
This new man I am becoming takes this knowledge and understands that all of us are human. We are imperfect. We learn from all of our experiences. I am learning to value every relationship and put aside my pride and selfishness.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
As a parent, my primary goal for my children is that they end up a better person than what I am. Very simple actually. Yet you feel that you were a bad son. The irony being, is that you learned from your father what didn't work and now you're walking a different path with your boys.
So in reality what your dad did and how he responded to his life situation has now affected your life situation. You are responding differently, but in your response lays success for both of you. If you can see the forest through the trees.....I can guarantee your father would be proud of you at the moment and you would see that while your were angry in the past....it set you on the path for dealing with the present.
Guilt is born from a responsibility that you believe was yours and failed. This can only occur if you believe yourself responsible.
I always ask myself is it truly my responsibility? Or am I rescuing or trying to fix someone? Should this person hold me responsible for this? Should I hold my self responsible?
Own your sh!t and yours only.
Anger and resentment is born of a responsibility you feel was owed to you that someone failed.
Same applies. Does someone really owe you that? Should this be something I am responsible for myself? Or am I being dependent on another person?
Do I have unreal expectations for that person?
Is it their sh!t and I need to lovingly give it back to them?
Both of these you control because you accepted them both.
Which is it? Or both?
Question for you....
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Is it their sh!t and I need to lovingly give it back to them?
Both of these you control because you accepted them both.
Which is it? Or both?
Question for you....
Thought about things some more. This is what I've accepted at this point. New JF understands that it was unrealistic to expect either one of us to have the tools to deal with the situation. Neither of us were ready for that moment in our life.
Control the controllable. Owning my own part of the failure, forgiving myself for lack of action, and learning from the experience.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
“You are your own worst enemy. If you can learn to stop expecting impossible perfection, in yourself and others, you may find the happiness that has always eluded you.”
