Day By Day

[tadpole1025]

Hi Eric. It is nice to hear from you man.

Dude I can only imagine how much pain you are still in. The fact that you still give a rats as* about how she might feel if you respond....tells me...that you are, in many ways still "standing", and that is totally okay. Fu*k I applaud you for it.

Honestly, I'm not sure what I'm doing. I stood for a long while and still have not given up 100%, but it seems a little pointless to stand for someone who wasted no time getting remarried.

Are you standing still though? Are you stuck ...waiting for her to throw you a bone?

Maybe a little of all three.....

Let me ask you a question.....Would you want to date yourself right now?

Simple question, but a very good one. I guess the answer would be: absolutely not. I have nothing to offer anyone right now. I'm driving a cab for a living and barely scraping by. I'm in a small two bedroom apartment with four grown sons. The place is a mess mostly because of all of our crazy work schedules and because we are just so frickin crowded. Honestly though, I really don't want to date right now. Not sure if it is fear or....

XW made comment to S21 the other day:

"I hope my grandchildren grow up with both of their grandparents living in the same state."

Whatever the Hell is that supposed to mean? Guess she should have thought things through more before going into her little crisis.

Anyways, I don't have much contact with her at all. She has pretty much erased me from her life/past.

My mom continues to hang on....

Tad

[Drew]

XW made comment to S21 the other day:

"I hope my grandchildren grow up with both of their grandparents living in the same state."

Whatever the Hell is that supposed to mean? Guess she should have thought things through more before going into her little crisis.

Why do you care what it means?

[tadpole1025]

Hi all. I just stopped by to say hi and give a quick update.

Mom....well, she is still hanging on. Doctors are baffled and we are baffled. She was given two weeks to live in AUGUST. It is nice to have her here, but I hate seeing her suffer.

XW...she is coming over later to take the boys out for a Christmas dinner. I think it is terribly sad that the holidays with our sons has been reduced to just a dinner out.

Me....I actually don't mind driving a cab. It's not what I want to do for the rest of my life, but it is something I can do for now. It does have some good and bad points to it though. Some days are better than others as far as money goes. Some days are really really good and others are really really bad. I also get to meet a lot of cool people and some real stinkers. Got to take the good with the bad I guess. What I DON'T like about the job though is the fact that I have a lot of alone time. That allows my mind to race as far as XW is concerned. Yes, I still think about her and yes I still love her....and yes, I still have a hard time every once in a while.

I bought X MIL a sympathy card because X FIL passed away earlier this month. I'm sending it tomorrow. XW probably won't be too happy about it, but I really don't give a sh!t. I've known them since I was 17 years old and have always looked up to both of them. So, if XW finds out and gets upset, too damn bad.

That is all for now.

Heading out tonight to play trivia at a local bar. I've never done it before and haven't been in a bar in years, but I've got to get out of here.

Tad

[Jack_Three_Beans]

tad,

Break that mold! Good for you getting out and doing new things. As for the card? Do for you NOT for her.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Jack. It was nice to get out.

Still wondering though......why the Hell do I still hurt???

Sure, it gets easier, but it never goes away....

Nice to have you back by the way.

Tad

[job]

Happy New Year!
How are you and your sons doing? How is mom doing?

Tad, it takes time for most of the hurt to fade away. There will always be a little piece of scar tissue in your heart because you were w/her for a very long time...but in time, when your focus is finally on things that truly matter to you and your life has balanced itself out, that teensy weensy bit of hurt will fade away. It takes time and it truly doesn't happen over the course of a few months or even possibly months. Be patient w/yourself. You loved her deeply and just like mourning for a loved one who has crossed over, you will do the same for the loss of your marriage and mate.

Be kind and patient w/yourself. You are healing slowly but surely.

[tadpole1025]

Thank you Job. It does take time and it does get better. I just wish it would go away completely.

Just wanted to post a quick update on me and on mom.

Me:

My anxiety seems to be coming back. I seem to have it just at night when trying to sleep. It is the weirdest feeling and seems to be getting worse. I think a lot of it has to do with mom now in addition to my sitch. My boys are doing good and the two youngest start college next week.

Mom:

She has taken a bad turn in the last week. We've had to move her back into Hospice. She had a good Thanksgiving and Christmas like she wanted and seemed to be fine even through New Years. Since then though, she has declined rapidly. She can no longer talk, swallow, walk or even keep her eyes open. She now has a catheter and the doctor told me today that she has days left "at the most." As I said, she has declined sharply. She told me months ago that she would make it through the holidays and she made her goal. Now though, I believe she has given up. She is tired of fighting. Watching someone that I love, admire and respect is the hardest thing I've seen. Knowing that I can do nothing at all to help her breaks my heart.

Tad

[tadpole1025]

Meant to say:

Watching someone that I love, admire and respect slowly die is the hardest thing I've seen. Knowing that I can do nothing at all to help her breaks my heart.

Tad

[MrBond]

Hang in there. What kind of support have you gotten for yourself? I think you really need someone right now.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks MrBond. Support is thin these days. I've got my boys, my aunt and that is pretty much it.

Some have mentioned counseling, but I'm just too busy with mom right now. I may seek some when this is all said and done.

The amount of loss I've experienced in the last five years alone makes me think sometimes that this is all a very cruel joke that God is playing on me.

Tad