H left wants D I don't.....EA as well

[NotAgainPlease]

I am just going to try NC as best I can until Saturday which is our (H) Christmas party. H won't be there until late because he is working out of town. This will be quite a challenge for me.
H family is very supportive. However I have not talked to SIL.
The next day H and I are supposed to xmas ahop. I will be a acting happy and as if!

Im hoping for the best

[NotAgainPlease]

I have a question? My H puts up a wall when we fight. I've almost always been the one that's had to basically kisses ass, hug, etc. For him too respond or let go. So I'm wondering if I do the no contact which obviously I don't do very well is a good thing. He tends to forget when you're not around. Like friends etc. He's not one to contact them.
he's more of the you have to invite him over kind of guy. And obviously he needs emotional contact if he has emotional affairs via text mostly.
So I'm wondering if I should continue contact with him but the friendly upbeat and someone who would want to talk to? I know that's not exactly one of the rules.

[NotAgainPlease]

I bought a fundraiser dinner for a senior wfootball player who died in a auto accident. I also made chicken pot pie. I forgot about the dinner.
I told my H if he wanted to come for dinner that would be great. We had way too much. I said whatever time you get finished you can come. With no hesitation he said yes. I know from the past if he didn't want to he would have made an excuse.
I know this isn't being mysterious but I'm trying this way for a while since he's willing.
Funny though he was a bit chatty at the table about a job but he has a hard time looking me in the eye when talking?
When separated before he wouldn't kiss me during sex unless drunk. Now eitherat least a month ago when we did! When hes drunk he will sY he wants see if we can work on it. Before the same. Not drunk no way! No kissing was his way not to feel emotion. Im wondering if the eye contact is similar?
You need degree in psychology!

[NotAgainPlease]

I forgot to say he thanked me very much for inviting him.

[FlyOnTheWall]

Well, I cant tell you what your thinking when your making those offers to be honest?

Are you doing it cause you'll take any interaction you get? you just cant detach? your having a hard time with the fear of the future?

The way it reads a bit is, you keep making these offers for dinner, he keeps accepting them, they are not a 180 for you, you've always made him dinner, you tell him its ok to take naps in your home (he no longer lives there anymore right?), your afraid that going dim is going to allow him to just forget about you and your 19 years together.

Then you finish it up with a story about sex, and a little hope cause he gave you a kiss when he wasn't drunk.

I'm not here to tell you what to do, I'm hoping your being honest with yourself. Why are you doing those things? Right now, there is NOTHING to miss about you. He can sleep over when he wants, eats dinner when he wants.

Those are all fine, if you understand why YOU are doing them. If you truly think those things are helping, then keep doing them. Your not really following many of the 37 rules (some you've thrown out the window), I don't really see many 180's. You never talk about what your doing for you?

Its the holidays, you miss your husband, you have no say in whats happening right now, your trying to keep yourself in the game. I get it, really I do. I'm certainly not here to tell your doing it right or wrong?

I'm not her to judge you, just trying to point out some of the interactions, the expectations, the anger, the lack of control, the fear you seem to be dealing with within yourself.

I know you want your marriage to work, is what your doing helping that, is it helping you, are you growing at all, do you take too much hope out of every interaction? I don't know???

Are you looking for people to just agree with you? Are you really looking for advice, are you just going to do it your way anyways? Do you use the site to really just journal? What are YOUR goals, what do you want to change, do you think you need to? Are you just holding on for dear life, and hopes it works out AGAIN? Its all going to start with some soul searching, questions you really need to ask yourself.

[NotAgainPlease]

[color:#333399][/color]

Well, I cant tell you what your thinking when your making those offers to be honest?

Are you doing it cause you'll take any interaction you get? you just cant detach? your having a hard time with the fear of the future

****I have been reading my post and from 7 years ago how H reacted. H seems to respond more to contact than than not. H always tells me he wants to get along and not fight. (not meaning getting back together necessarily) When we do NC he notices there is no fighting but there is no interaction which shows him a differnce.

The way it reads a bit is, you keep making these offers for dinner, he keeps accepting them, they are not a 180 for you, you've always made him dinner, you tell him its ok to take naps in your home (he no longer lives there anymore right?), your afraid that going dim is going to allow him to just forget about you and your 19 years together.

******My H LL is affirmation and acts of service. These are things that I have noticed through our time together as well.
As far as going dim I am not really afraid that he will really forget but just go on and not care. H is a big "if you don't deal it will go away"


Then you finish it up with a story about sex, and a little hope cause he gave you a kiss when he wasn't drunk.

****I must not have been clear. H will NOT kiss me when he is sober. Only when he has been drinking he puts his guard down. We have not been physical for at least a month.

I'm not here to tell you what to do, I'm hoping your being honest with yourself. Why are you doing those things? Right now, there is NOTHING to miss about you. He can sleep over when he wants, eats dinner when he wants.

*****You are correct there is nothing to miss about me right now. I totally agree. I am seeing if showing a better, happier, non argumentative me (all a 180) will work for. His main reason for getting a D is we dont' get along and argue all the time. If not then I will move on to something different.

Those are all fine, if you understand why YOU are doing them. If you truly think those things are helping, then keep doing them. Your not really following many of the 37 rules (some you've thrown out the window), I don't really see many 180's. You never talk about what your doing for you?

Its the holidays, you miss your husband, you have no say in whats happening right now, your trying to keep yourself in the game. I get it, really I do. I'm certainly not here to tell your doing it right or wrong?

*****Yes, Christmas with children is difficult. Of course I want him to be with us. I saw a change in H in the last week. Last week when I have very little contact (before that nasty fighting) and when I did talk to him he said it was nice but I could hear anger in voice anyway. It was an up and down conversation. Originally I had posted I asked to xmas shop for the kids together and he said "NO"...we were also not in a good place.
Once I start reaching out with more kindness he softened. H suggested we shop together now.
H is a bit of a follower and so am I. If he comes home in a bad mood I will become and visa versa. This has been another issue of our fighting. We follow each others moods instead of coming up with a solution to neutralize it.

I'm not her to judge you, just trying to point out some of the interactions, the expectations, the anger, the lack of control, the fear you seem to be dealing with within yourself.
Yes, and this I am working on for me.

I know you want your marriage to work, is what your doing helping that, is it helping you, are you growing at all, do you take too much hope out of every interaction? I don't know???

*****I have come to the conclusion that what is meant to happen will. I am getting along with my life. Looking for a new job to be independent and organizing my life. Being more social.

Are you looking for people to just agree with you? Are you really looking for advice, are you just going to do it your way anyways? Do you use the site to really just journal? What are YOUR goals, what do you want to change, do you think you need to? Are you just holding on for dear life, and hopes it works out AGAIN? Its all going to start with some soul searching, questions you really need to ask yourself.

*****No, I am not looking for people to agree I want feedback of any kind. I do use the sight as some what of a journal.
As far as goals I posted above. Do I need too, of course!!

Since we did this 7 years ago my perspective is different. The last time I would/did anything to get him back at all costs. The DB worked but we obviously didn't change our negative fighting cycle.

This time is different. Yes, I am beyond sad and want to put my family back together but I will not die!
I can look a little clearer this time about our issues and if/if not they can be resolved. It many be better for us both to move on. I am just not sure. So I will see where this journey takes us.


Thank you for all the input!!

[Roberta]

Your questions are valid. It seems that you could really use some solid, proven advice. Doing the same things over and over again do not change relationships. it would be extremely helpful to learn new strategies. I strongly suggest that you use one of our coaches. Call me and I'd be happy to discuss our coaching program. 303-444-7004

[NotAgainPlease]

Thank you Roberta.

[NotAgainPlease]

Some of my 180's:
No R talk
No OW talk
No questioning whereabouts.
No fighting or yelling.
Only important contact.

[FlyOnTheWall]

How ya doing NAP?

I hope your having a good weekend, did you get a chance to get out and do anything with friends? family?