Accepting the Confusion - It is what it is Part 5

[Feenix]

Thanks, Tiger. What you wrote is exactly how the rational part of me feels and thinks about this!

But, the scared part of me is....well.....scared. Lol.

My R is so wishy-washy that I don't know what "phase" we are even in right now or if it even matters...but I don't want to screw up us working things out by me being so insecure.

I "want" to just move forward, with confidence and hope, and let all of the fear go. But, it is hard.

It is hard when I wonder where he is...what he's doing, is he telling the truth about stuff, etc.

I keep looking for grand gestures...when I know this isn't what to expect (plus, I shouldn't have expectations, anyway, right?!).

I am trying to look at the tiny, small positives. H letting me look at and use his phone. H being more open and honest. H calling me more. H paying more attention to the kids. H buying Christmas lights. H talking more about our future together.

Ugh. The prideful part of me just doesn't want to be a fool, again, if he's lying. But, yes, I DO want a better, new M with my H.

[Feenix]

UPDATE:

I've been away, again, for a few days. My job and kids' schedules have kept me busy....which is a good thing.

Things have been fairly quiet on the M front...except for last Saturday.

We drove to S15's playoff game, three hours away, and passed through OW's hometown on the way. I didn't comment on the way there, but on the way home, I did make a catty remark about how I wish that town, and everyone in it, would fall off a cliff.

That is all I said...but it completely set H off!!! I didn't know it right then that H was mad, but later that evening, when H left with S12 to go hunting at H's parents', he started texting me.

He'd had no sleep in over 24 hours and was super tired...and spewing like crazy!

He called me a "lying, backstabbing B*tch" 2-3 times. He hung up on me when I called to ask him a question about our daughter. He totally lost it over my remark!!! His response was way over the top for what I said.

And, of course, I was kicking myself for not STFU. It goes against everything in me to NOT make catty remarks about OW...but I'd been doing so good...and that one, little remark, made us backslide so much.

H texted that we were "done"...that he is filing after Christmas because I'm not "moving forward" and on and on.

His last text Saturday said he was "starting over with a new, better life without me, on Sunday"...

I ignored him all day Sunday...and have just left him alone all week. I only text back when necessary. I've stayed late at my job to avoid going home to him.

I've seem him for maybe 10 minutes since Saturday evening...on purpose.

On a weird MLC note, though...I noticed yesterday that he's moved one bag back home...and his bathroom stuff is back home....toothbrush, razors, etc.

He is being extremely civil, etc. so I'm just doing my thing and trying to not think about how hateful he was Saturday.

My birthday is on Christmas Day...and I just have NO holiday or birthday spirit whatsoever.

Thank goodness for my kids....they keep me focused on the good things in my life!

[BrightFuture]

Angela, so sorry you H was behaving like an @ss. I guess you touched a sensitive subject with OW, LOL. Good job recovering from that incident with your remark.

[uRworthy]

Hey A, so I'm thinking that wasnt the best thing for you to say.

Here's the thing. When you acknowledge her in anyway, you give her credence and power. You make her important, when in reality, she is not.

I always tried to remember my road map. What I wanted to see when i looked back at this time. And I wanted to know that I acted with dignity and strength.

Whenever I was tempted to say something, I tried to remember that I was better than that.

She is a symptom of the crisis, a bandaid. Do not give her any more of your headspace or energy. You need to use that for you.

So, back on your path you go. I hope with a plan to keep those kinds of things to yourself. It doesnt serve any purpose either to you or the sitch, right?

[Feenix]

Thanks, uR!

I KNOW I have to stop making those catty or snide remarks.
Sometimes, I'm good at controlling it...sometimes, not so much.

Ugh.

Something for me to work on...

[job]

Angela,
Get a rubber band and place it on your wrist. Each and every time that you feel the need to make catty and snide remarks, pull that band and let it snap your wrist. I guarantee you that you'll not be making those remarks once you are stung.

[Feenix]

Just pondering some things today...

Thanks, job, for the rubber band suggestion. I will definitely try that.

I'm having this back and forth in my mind today about the whole snide/catty remarks thing.

I'm a sarcastic person by nature. Not mean sarcasm (usually) but funny, witty sarcasm. I feel like I'm changing so much of myself right now...and unsure if I'm doing it for me or for him.

A small part of me feels justified in making that remark. He CHEATED on me with HER....all I did was say I wish her hometown would fall of a cliff...and yet, he acted as if I actually harmed her in some way.

However, the "new" me sees that comments like that are not helpful, in any way, even if they make me feel better for getting them out of my system.

At what point are we changing ourselves too much? For our H or for ourselves?

Or, is this the more mature, grown up ME that I am meant to become?

It's hard to explain.

I feel like I lost who I was over the course of my marriage. I was fun, witty, curious, loved life, etc....and became a sad, nagging, bitter woman.

I am fighting (is this even the right word?) my way back to becoming the more positive, fun person I used to be...but I feel like I'm also changing in other ways that I hadn't planned on.

I've become more quiet, more introspective....slower to react...and I feel like I'm constantly stuffing my own feelings down so that I don't overreact to something. Is this ok? Or unhealthy? I'm not sure yet.

My mom made a comment at Thanksgiving that I keep thinking about.

She said that she's tired of me talking about "changing me to be a better me"...she said that I'm already a "good person" and that H needs to change. I know she just doesn't "see" what I'm trying to accomplish.

Maybe, as my mother, she doesn't see the places where I was at fault in my marriage.

But, her comments made me doubt myself and what I'm doing.

I want to change for ME...and for me kids. I want to change into the Godly, kind, forgiving, wonderful woman that God wants me to be...but I don't want to be a doormat, either.

And, I want to become a better me, irregardless of H. Part of me sees my changes as a completely separate thing to my R crisis with H.

Just venting some deep thoughts I am struggling with today....*sigh*....

For the past week or so, I haven't cried at all. Haven't even felt like crying...I just feel tired of dealing with H.

I feel like I am the ONE needing MY space from him!!! LOL. This crazy ride is driving me ~CrAzY~!

[Pudmuddle]

I would say from this you are getting better at detaching.

I know it is difficult, I struggle still with the very same things.

I am also a sarcastic person by nature. Years ago, I went through what you are feeling now, that it was changing who I was. I soon realized that my 'witty' sarcasm still had an underlying tone of anger. I quote I still remember to this day is 'Sarcasm is anger's ugly cousin'. I still can't help pulling out funny sarcasm but I also am very aware of the timing and tone of how I say it. Even when I think I have said something funny that is sarcastic, people will take it the wrong way, not the way I intended it.

You are not changing who you are, you are merely becoming more AWARE of who you are...this causes much internal reflection, hence the quietness and feeling like you are stuffing down your feelings. Trust me, if you have something that needs to be said, you will say it, only this time you will be aware of when and where to do this.

Your mom has the best of intentions, she is worried about her daughter. She means well, she just doesn't want to see you hurt and suffering. Do what is right for YOU, how you feel about the whole thing and really what YOU want to do.

I got to the point too months ago where I couldn't cry any longer. You are getting better and you are doing so well. Keep pluggin' along Angie.

p.s. come join us on FB!!! we use our screennames with db at the end. Some people use their real fb accounts, too. Whatever you choose.

[TSquared2]

I want to change into the Godly, kind, forgiving, wonderful woman that God wants me to be...but I don't want to be a doormat, either.

The line between the two is razor thin, and fuzzy because of situation differences. And unique to you.

Sarcasm/catty is often times veiled anger and passive aggressive. And I should know, I used to think sarcasm was the highest art form of humor.

Which begs the question, what is the MOTIVE behind the sarcasm/catty? Which may lead to some insight into this question:

At what point are we changing ourselves too much? For our H or for ourselves?

Or, is this the more mature, grown up ME that I am meant to become?

Do you have an idea defined for who you want to be, even if not complete?

I am fighting (is this even the right word?) my way back to becoming the more positive, fun person I used to be...but I feel like I'm also changing in other ways that I hadn't planned on.

I've become more quiet, more introspective....slower to react...and I feel like I'm constantly stuffing my own feelings down so that I don't overreact to something. Is this ok? Or unhealthy? I'm not sure yet.

Being a Mr. Spock type myself, and years of martial arts training, I can't see where the bold above is a problem...

But how does that feel? Do you feel more in control of you? Does it work to slow down the reaction, maybe it avoids having to do damage control after the fact? Is that valuable to you?

When you stuff the feelings of the moment down, do you still acknowledge them, maybe tell them you will attend to them later, at a better time than the present? And do you follow through and attend to them later?

Just some questions and thoughts, I am going through another cycle of all that up there ^^^. I'm asking myself along with you...

[BrightFuture]

Angela, you just described my struggle with the changes I’ve been making. I used to be kind, non-judgmental person before. Then I felt like people were walking all over me, so I changed. I always was sarcastic, but I started to use my sarcasm in a very hurtful way, and a lot of it with my H. I know that when I was sarcastic it was because I was hurting and was trying to get back to him. Then I didn’t feel good after that, I felt like I diminished myself in his and my own eyes. I’m very aware of it now. I’m learning to be kind and non-judgmental again, but draw a line to not be a doormat. This is very challenging, since I need to learn how to say no. T2 is right about the line to be razor thin.

I stopped crying a few months ago and I thought I was doing good. Then it all came back and I cry almost every day now. I think I’m just tired of this limbo, and I still cannot force myself to move it along.

Pud is right, you might be getting better at detaching. As long as you feel good about your changes this is all that matters.