I have been thinking about the Dobson route for the last few days. It appeals to me because the knowledge of the OP makes it painful to interact several times daily with W and I am seeing that if she wants out and feels done, then basically she has chosen OM over me.
I should have warned that not all of Dobson's book is consistent with DB'ing. The DB'ing approach is to not confront the WAS about an A. Confrontation almost always pushes the WAS out the door. It's a huge form of pressure, and DB'ing is all about removing all pressure from the WAS.
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My IC seems to think I should talk to W but to "invite her back into a new, truer R where we acknowledge the old M is dead but we commit to a new R with mutual repentance"
That's consistent with DB'ing, although I don't think now is the time to tell her that. There needs to be some indication from her that she is interested in R first.
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and to acknowledge knowing about the OM but let W know I don't think she is a bad person because of it
Don't water it down for her. She is likely feeling a lot of guilt about the A and SHE SHOULD. Don't ever validate an A.
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Back to the M. I am not done, but I am becoming more OK if her "doneness" is permanent.
No matter how sure she sounds, you have no way of knowing if it's permanent. WAS's always speak in absolutes, but some eventually want to reconcile anyway despite how "permanent" they made things sound.
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Precipitating a crisis, or forcing a blowout, would be an attempt to foster an environment where we both have a chance to evaluate things more effectively.
It doesn't work that way with a WAS. Forcing a blowout will ensure that you're that much closer to S and D. She is on a journey of her own, probably just at the beginning of it. You need to remove yourself from the picture so she can take that journey. You do that by giving her TIME and SPACE. Every single thing you do to try and "wake her up" is a distraction that takes her away from her journey and impedes her process. You CANNOT wake her up, her journey is a long, slow one that only she can make and all you can do is get out of the way. If her lifelong goal was to complete a marathon, and she was finally running it, would you "help" her by picking her up in your car and driving her to the finish line?
Quit trying to fix things. Quit trying to control the sitch. Let her run her race at her pace.
