I naturally compartmentalize and intellectualize things, it usually serves me well to keep the emotional aspect of things tightly reined in, pushed off to the side for processing later. This is that "later". And when the emotional aspects do finally express themselves, it's usually pretty intense for me.
I'm the person you want around if there is an emergency, a critical problem to be fixed, etc. I don't panic or freak out, usually. So I have been pretty much in that mode of prioritizing and intellectualizing what needs to get done to reach my goals, ie, tend to the kids, keep the household running, work on myself, keep and expand my job, DB, etc. Not much, imo, time spent looking at the past 2 years and before from a non-angry/reactionary emotional standpoint.
The times I wanted to quit before, or was losing hope, were an anger reaction, a fear reaction. These past few months and especially the past couple three weeks have been a non-angry/frustrated review, self check-in. A review of things she wrote, my journalings, things she wrote and so forth.
A lot of pieces fell together...that's why there is always de-briefing after the emergency, fire fight, etc. And also it is afterwards, after the emergency, that people then can let all that which was pushed to the side, in order to function at the highest level possible, come out, be expressed...the emotions, the exhaustion, the fear, etc. I was starting to lose hope, but not out of anger or frustration this time. It's different when those negative, fear-based emotions are not the instigating factor.
So maybe the "emergency mode" is over for me, and that is what I am doing...de-briefing, going over the battle, integrating new or different information from a different perspective.
Hope that all makes sense. It's kinda of fuzzy for me as well right now. And I am and have been trying to be as open, vulnerable and honest here as I can, for my benefit and documentation, and maybe it's useful to someone else along the way.
I did get an entirely new perspective of what W might have been feeling, my compassion for her is expanded, understanding enhanced. "Dark nights of the soul" are a good thing, as long as you get to the day break. And I am.
>>>>>>>>
In other related news, W has been opening up, again. She started sharing her fb stuff with me again, ie, I am included in her shares and stuff her work fiends tag her in, etc.
There is a lot of opening up talking with me also...a lot of self-realization, honesty, self-reflection coming out.
And she makes sure that I'm okay a lot, for small things like if she can't talk at the moment, she texts me later apologizing. She makes sure to text if she has to stay late at work, or is stopping at the grocery, or whatever if she is running late, she says she doesn't want me to worry. And some good working together with the kids, though this is where I really have to/can show the new me...ie, stay the h3ll out of fix-it mode.
She wanted me to get a white-board to help us keep track of the house business, family communication, etc. An idea I proposed a LONG time ago, even before mlc, that she resisted. She wanted to try it now, and no, I did NOT remind her that I had suggested it years ago, nope, done learned how this one works.
I came upstairs from meditation yesterday and she had hung it and it had a message:
"T2, thank you for all the yummy food you have been making "
So, there it is, lol. I hope the wandering writing makes some sense.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
