Thanks, job, for the rubber band suggestion. I will definitely try that.
I'm having this back and forth in my mind today about the whole snide/catty remarks thing.
I'm a sarcastic person by nature. Not mean sarcasm (usually) but funny, witty sarcasm. I feel like I'm changing so much of myself right now...and unsure if I'm doing it for me or for him.
A small part of me feels justified in making that remark. He CHEATED on me with HER....all I did was say I wish her hometown would fall of a cliff...and yet, he acted as if I actually harmed her in some way.
However, the "new" me sees that comments like that are not helpful, in any way, even if they make me feel better for getting them out of my system.
At what point are we changing ourselves too much? For our H or for ourselves?
Or, is this the more mature, grown up ME that I am meant to become?
It's hard to explain.
I feel like I lost who I was over the course of my marriage. I was fun, witty, curious, loved life, etc....and became a sad, nagging, bitter woman.
I am fighting (is this even the right word?) my way back to becoming the more positive, fun person I used to be...but I feel like I'm also changing in other ways that I hadn't planned on.
I've become more quiet, more introspective....slower to react...and I feel like I'm constantly stuffing my own feelings down so that I don't overreact to something. Is this ok? Or unhealthy? I'm not sure yet.
My mom made a comment at Thanksgiving that I keep thinking about.
She said that she's tired of me talking about "changing me to be a better me"...she said that I'm already a "good person" and that H needs to change. I know she just doesn't "see" what I'm trying to accomplish.
Maybe, as my mother, she doesn't see the places where I was at fault in my marriage.
But, her comments made me doubt myself and what I'm doing.
I want to change for ME...and for me kids. I want to change into the Godly, kind, forgiving, wonderful woman that God wants me to be...but I don't want to be a doormat, either.
And, I want to become a better me, irregardless of H. Part of me sees my changes as a completely separate thing to my R crisis with H.
Just venting some deep thoughts I am struggling with today....*sigh*....
For the past week or so, I haven't cried at all. Haven't even felt like crying...I just feel tired of dealing with H.
I feel like I am the ONE needing MY space from him!!! LOL. This crazy ride is driving me ~CrAzY~!
