H had A, ended badly, fog clearing, need support

[GreyMatter]

First personal thread.

H had A and the BD in July. Have been since on rollercoaster ride of 'ILYIJNILWY' and 'It's over I'm not seeing her' about 3/4 times. Each of those times started showing signs of looking toward me again but still maintaining we separate. I have mostly maintained my marvelous charm, good looks and positive attitude! DBing at its best I might add (nothing like your own hand pat on the back) I've always been overly positive so you'll need to get use to that.

Anyhow, down to the guts in a sense. The affair has finally ended and its hard to take his word for it but it did get nasty and I was pulled into it. OW turned into a monster and I'm sure H did also but out of it came a whole load of his confessions, feelings, apologies and his admitting everything was on him not me.
I'm so used to saying I'm sorry so I said 'thank you - I appreciate you saying that' Our house is full of 'Sorry's, thank you's and 'let me do that for you' amongst other things. So I believe his goggles may be clearing a little.

I'm Still maintaining the rule of no relationship talk and a lot of effort is being made to make Christmas special on both parts, but I have 2 lingering questions/issues.
As we have been living under the same roof with the agreement of no 3rd parties for either of us (me thinking it was over with OW) I have since found out that he was lying and crossing the line but is now exploded with everything I wanted on my goal list, confessions, complete transparency, consideration. Does he need to leave now as in our agreement of 'crossing the line'??? I'm unsure my position as I don't want to seem spineless and not follow through. But of course its Christmas and I can't do that to the Kids 6, 4, 8ths. I had said we will sort out the mess get through xmas and then assess the 'us and living' sitch.

Also the other thing is now we are almost flirting, having fun and looking forward to seeing each other. I'm scared and unsure how to act with - to much effort, not enough effort, just the right amount with the obvious above issue.

These 2 things all seem to contradict each other. And there is the obvious part of expecting him to be all dreary over the R ending with OW but because it was such a bad drawn out ending he seems relieved....

I know I need to give it time and maybe by new year things will become clear but this is in case I need to put things in play now :-/

Anyone lighten me with their experiences?

[FlyOnTheWall]

Oof, good question.

I know your in the right forum, I just don't see many ppl down here posting. Newcomers, prob is a better spot to post in as it gets a LOT more action.

In regards to breaking the boundaries, your right that you need to make sure there is a consequence. But, honestly, I don't know the answer.

If he thinks he's going to keep getting a free pass when he breaks the rules, whats the incentive of having to follow or not follow them, right?

I can tell you that I personally, would say maybe its time for you to go stay at your parents/siblings/friends house for a while, but that's me. I wouldn't say put a date on it, return or otherwise, but just use the word "while" cause that leaves the door open a bit. Heck I dunno, if I was going it right myself I wouldn't be here, so theres that. lol

I'm hoping this works as a bump, and you get some real advice.

[GreyMatter]

Thanks so much FOTW.
Yeah I'm unsure if here was the best place either but the issue is I seem to be in a different place then what I'm reading in newcomers. I feel like I'm through/past some of the heavy stuff. Although there is no guarantee it won't go back.
I'll keep going and see if anyone can give some input otherwise I'll repost in newcomers.

[GreyMatter]

other issues I'm starting to come across

still maintaining the no call thing and restrict texts but the texts are now starting to lighten up - almost play texting and having fun with each other. I no i shouldn't be over doing it but how much is too much. I try to just make sure that I sometimes leave his text the last one on purpose.
Oh I might add its light hearted friendship type stuff, every so often the little flirt happens like a cheeky comment but it is still 'purely friendship'

Also I was overly enthusiastic in the beginning and it died between us but have kept it with friends so now I struggle with reverting to that without seeming fake :-/ start small and surely consistancy is the key?

I talk things through and seem to get the answers myself don't I?

[GreyMatter]

maybe need some links to other threads of others that have made it to this strange place

[GreyMatter]

ok I'm feeling all over the place.
Last week he had his xmas party and come home a little tipsy and persisted to come onto me.
Some things happened but I maintained the no sex thing. I feel kind of gutted I couldn't back away completely but I'm still soooo attracted to him.

Since then Chistmas was great and we both bought great presents for each other. We had to share bed a couple of times whilst at families for the day/night but nothing happened. We have both been showing affection in little ways like rubbing arms and cheeky comments but I'm just so scared of being pulled in to be hurt again.
I know what the OW did made him furious that it would hurt me and our children but she has now sent 2 emails that have been kind of luring or suggestive of them having 'relations'again.
One as per 30 mins ago and he called to tell me. I found out that what she was, in a way, offering was something we didn't do because it made me feel uncomfortable.
I feel like this journey was still suppose to happen as it is a chance for me/us to look at what wasn't working. He couldn't talk to me about this intimate fantasy and I felt embarrassed about talking about it. It didn't mean we couldn't revisit it again ever, its just that we didn't know how???? And now I'm just jealous he ventured into it with another. Anyhow do I be jealous of this or be thankful that he called and told me about the email? I was a bit of both to be honest and now just feel a bit 'blah'

[GreyMatter]

still filtering through the days until I can get another phone coaching. I have been monitoring the actions with positive/neutral/negative results but honestly I feel like this limbo land is a transition for the next life lesson I am on.
I'm scared cause I feel this is about me addressing intimacy issues and lack of relationship skills. I then end up feeling horrible for me almost being responsible for setting things in motion.
this does suck!

[GreyMatter]

ok in light of the dreaded email yesterday we have been able to discuss our R a bit. I said I was sorry it was hard for him to tell me the exact details and he said sorry for it making me feel bad.
I said that it made me feel a little jealous that 2 things were done with another instead of with me. of course, but said it very calmly. Also that even though there were negative feelings tied to it I was happy and really appreciated the honesty and transparency.
He said he has not replied to her and in fact made a comment this morning before leaving work about it being hard because of how it made me feel not him?? He then sent a message saying he was sorry and he isn't good with his words and gets lost. I know now the R talk needs to die off now as he has reach his limit but he has at least shown signs of compassion. I can still see a little tiny glisten of obnoxious behaviour when he acts a little selfish but overall it seems it gets less and less.
I feel like I may be getting myself into a trap of talking to much though as he opens up we seem to be talking about sooooo much. He has never really shown signs of great anger toward me and definately no degrading language.
We laugh and have a great time and he still, as per most of our relationship regards my opinion and wants to know my thoughts on news kids etc.
I had said to him I'm glad to get a few things out in the open and what possibly was wrong to ensure moving forward we don't find ourselves in that same place. (made it sound like other partners not each other) He replied that he really doesnt know what went wrong. ???? He has always maintained this bit - that I have always been everything and it has been him and basically his C said he has alot of personal issues. In the beginning I felt like this was a cop out but now I almost see that he genuinely thinks it will happen again and doesnt want to hurt me anymore???

[trying very hard]

GM,

You are certainly in the midst of it. Lots of moving parts but you sure seem to have your wits about you. Can you get H to talk more about what he was/is after?

I can relate to the intimacy issues and the embarrassment. I never pushed W or more importantly talked about exploring things. Instead, if things didn't go my way I would back away, refuse to address it again and it hurt both of us. I now see that we needed to talk more openly and fight more. We never had make up sex, because we never fought. What a waste.

And W has sent pics and has had phone sex with OM. So the curiousity and potential was always there, I just left it untapped or couldn't figure out the right way to make it comfortable for her.

[GreyMatter]

You hit it on the head TVH!

Both embarrassed, both felt insecure and both didn't talk about it. Seriously nobody is given a 101 on intimacy talk because we are all shades of grey (no pun intended with book lol)
We are all brought up that it's one style w one partner and it just doesn't fit everyone.

Update is that we have been getting along REALLY well. We had a last minute trip we decided to take as a family but plans fell through but instead we still did a family day trip. H seems to be very happy but I can tell he still has anger as he gets a little self centred and arrogant, but to be honest not sure if that side ever changes, it seems to have always been there in a sense. But real effort has been put into addressing the anger that is built up behind it. Can't be unhappy with the progress.

He is confused just straight up but instead of asking him the questions I've just been ensuring I show the absolute fun side of me, joking with everything, laughing, dancing silly and giggling with kids. I think the talking thing again is to soon as I believe he is still mourning the OW end. Need to let that happen first. Its kind of great to feel I have time though.

So my goal is a little bit of R talk then double the amount of fun.