Newbie needs help:husband left Saturday

[dxw689]

Again, thanks for the reinforcement: I am experiencing the same thing as both of you: he wants to attend all the Christmas events at our respective families together as a family - all-day event at his father's on Saturday, visit to my mothers on Christmas, having his mother to my house on Christmas day. It is just what you both say: They want to live the single life, but the benefits of family at their convenience.

[Cadet]

Sorry I missed your questions but I have been pretty busy with all the snow and wonderful weather we have been having.

I think that the others have answered in a great manner.

The gift of time is also the fact that MLC is not a small event.
It take a VERY long time, and the point really becomes that we should not waste this time but keep living our life to the fullest.

Then if our spouses ever wake up we can deal with it at that point.
If they dont then we are still good.

Hope that makes sense.

[Wonka]

DW,

Has your H recently faced any major loss such as a job, a close friend or family member to death?

99.9% of MLC is usually precipitated by a death that shocks the MLCer to the core and begins the onset of the MLC journey.

[dxw689]

Cadet: Thanks.

Wonka: at first I couldn't think of anything. But I think it was 2 things: his aunt, whom he was close to, died in the Spring. Then we had our 20th anniversary in September, right after I had yelled at him on vacation in August - some of the descriptors say a precipitating event can be an important anniversary. I also recently had an aha moment where I discovered I have been going through perimenopause, which undoubtedly contributed some to his feeling that I have been on-edge somewhat in the last year.

[dxw689]

I have been sharing some in other threads, but want to update those kind souls who have been helping me here on my own thread. I have finally been getting a LITTLE bit of emotional distance from husband: one thing I have trouble with is that he is still the first thing I think about in the morning (and in the middle of the night) - that feeling like, oh, yeah, I am waking up to a nightmare I can't change still...

I have learned not to be the first to initiate texts or phone calls and in person not to initiate conversations, to respond. We had a nice day shopping for a Christmas tree last Saturday (the 14th) - he stayed for dinner, but at the end of the day, I asked him to keep an open mind about things and he said that he was happier since he moved out. I have to come clean: I called him a selfish pig and he motioned to me like "see, that's how you are" - I said I was sorry and told him it helped me to get where his head was at because I was having trouble separating.

Sometime last week, he brought the kids back to my house after school and had started dinner in the oven (I had requested) but left quickly when I got home. This had the kids crying before dinner, so I comforted them on the couch - but my son in particular cried for about an hour- near the end, I called my Husband to have him talk to them. After he had spoken to them, I got on the line and told him that they hadn't seen this coming, I hadn't seen this coming and that his deciding when he was available all the time was hurting them and me. He said he was having trouble listening because he was standing near a road outside a store. I said, well, you have purposely engineered this so that you never have to talk about things. I went to his father and stepmother's house for their Christmas celebration this last Saturday and that went well, except when he was leaving, I asked if the choir director knew my daughter was singing Christmas Eve and he said he had told her maybe. I said, we have known for months that she was definite - I should not have corrected him.

Husband is coming over today at lunchtime to spend Christmas Eve with kids and me. We will go to see my daughter sing at church tonight, then he will come to my mother's tomorrow morning and I will cook for him, my kids, his mother and sister for dinner tomorrow. He wants all the trappings of the family for the holidays and wants to be with the kids. He is a good father. It is just me he doesn't want to be with: it is painful, but I cannot go back now and change things I did (principally yelling at him when I was feeling tense - no, not that often, but it was still too often for him: he doesn't yell and is conflict-averse: This is now clear after I heard the BD and subsequently all the things he was keeping score about me over the years). But I really mourn the loss of our family: It was a really good, happy family life - no simmering anger or tension - just I now realize too late, not for him.

M20 yrs
S11, D8
BD 10/8/13
Moved out 11/30

[willbwell]

I hope you have a good day.remember the reason for the season and feel the peace of that.

yelling at your h 2 times is not what has caused this. My sit began also on our 20yr anniversary. got the bomb 2 months later/

it is their( WAS) inner conflict that is driving their actions. Any anger that you show him, he will use as his excuse.Smile,and be the bigger person.

enjoy your children today. keep your chin up. take a deep breath.
We are here for you

[BklynMom]

Google No More Mr. Nice Guy - this syndrome which involves internalizing feelings sounds like it may be your H.

Also check out This is Not The Season You Think It is by Laura Munson

[uRworthy]

Hi DX. Merry Christmas.

So sorry you are hurting like this.

Just a couple of things if I may. It is important that you own only your stuff. To do that, it is necessary to look inward.

Look at the stuff your h has said, and see what is valid. Throw the rest away. Then, start working on becoming who you want to be.

It may not seem like it now, but you have been giving an amazing opportunity here to become your best you.

So, figure out the changes you want to make for you. They have to be for you or they wont stick and he will see right through it.

Whether he is MLC or not, your journey and actions are the same.

While it is hard in the beginning, your goal is to work towards detachment. That means not allowing his words or actions to affect your words or actions. It means leaving him to walk his journey. Your job is to get out of the way.

It is not unusual to have a MLCer who is not nasty. Mine was nutty, but, never nasty. They are all different, yet, also the same in some ways.

So, he has given you some valuable info. Use it for you. If you feel that you are given to flying off the handle with him at times, then that might be something you want to work on.

But I can assure you that is not the reason he has left. You dont leave a 20 year marriage over that. He is struggling with some demons. He needs to slay them. But, he cant right now, so, he is taking it all out on the person closest to him and that is you. That is just the way this goes.

I know that this all seems counterintuitive to what you think you should be doing. But, it is the best chance I think anyone has at not only saving their marriage, but, more importantly, saving themselves.

So, you want to be upbeat and confident around him. That is attractive, right?

You want to stop talking at him. He cant hear your words right now. And I know you think if you talk enough, you will hit the magic words that will change his mind. That doesnt work.

One of the most important things for an MLCer or anyone for that matter, is to feel heard.

Doesnt matter if you agree with what he has said and done. Doesnt mean it will always be this way.

But he needs to know that you heard that he doesnt want to be married. If he feels you havent, it will cause him to want to show you he means it.

He may seem happy about it, but, trust me, he isnt really. How can he be? He has left someone who loves him and his two children without giving them a single clue. Does that sound like the actions of a healthy person?

So, here's what you need to do. Start to think about your changes. Live them everyday. Some days you'll make it, some you wont, but that should always be the goal.

Whenever you feel the urge to say something to him, sing a song, say a prayer, exercise, read, snap a rubberband. Whatever you need to do in order not to say it.

Take care of yourself. Eat, rest, exercise, pray, sleep.

You have been given an enormous opporunity to show your children how to navigate through life's tough stuff. Show them well. You are their touchstone right now while he is in lalaland.

Understand that this has very little to do with you and everything to do with his demons.

And know, without a single doubt, that you will be ok.

If you choose to walk this path, you will come out the other side stronger and healthier.

Leave him to figure himself out. You work on you.

[dxw689]

Wow: This really hit a cord, uRworthy: "But he needs to know that you heard that he doesnt want to be married. If he feels you havent, it will cause him to want to show you he means it." - because when he first told me, I told him I thought he was just really mad at me.

and Wow willBwell - also a 20th anniversary? I hope your holiday was peaceful for you. Thanks BklnMom - I need those resources - will check out immediately.

It really helps to have your support and see you all answering me - in the face of this other rejection, it can feel so lonely- I think I have kept my chin up pretty well over this holiday, but it can feel like you are acting like a saint for no reward with the WAS. Hugs and peace to all of you.

[dxw689]

Well, I finally have a private moment to provide an update of an (unfortunately) eventful holiday season until now. I cannot believe how my experience continues to echo those of others on the board, to the extent that others warned me of what was to come. On Thursday, Jan 2, my 8 year old daughter came home from only her second night at my husband's new apartment (together with her brother as well), and said "Mommy, did you know there's a girl sleeping in Daddy's bed at his new apartment?" I had such a hard time believing that this was happening, that she knew it, that she was delivering the news to me instead of my husband prior to it happening, that I asked her if she was talking about her Barbies. But no, the husband's new girlfriend plays Barbies with them, but they all had a sleepover together. When I told my husband that this was inappropriate, that we need to be able to co-parent our children together for the rest of our lives, and that he should not be using his 8-year-old daughter to tell me this before talking with me about introducing his new love interest into our children's lives, he said he heard what I was saying, but felt that on his nights with the children, he could do what he pleased and that he wanted them to meet her. When I asked why he could not discuss this with me first, he said, "well, I guess I knew you wouldn't like it".

This is exactly the adolescent kind of attitude I read so much about on the midlife crisis boards. I have desperately wanted to avoid getting a lawyer, because I feel it only escalates the animosity. Even now, I have tried talking to his mother and step-sister in an attempt to try to get someone else to see his behavior and decide whether they have an approach to get through to him independently of me to protect our children. My work is also extremely busy and stressful right now, so I am trying to maintain my composure. Over the long weekend, ( I stayed home with the kids on Friday due to snow) I was having an extremely difficult time emotionally, but I am beginning to feel some detachment now. I was just beginning to get there prior to this latest development, but this threw me back into turmoil. She was there again at the latest visit on Saturday the 4th. My son (11) feels some sadness, but my daughter just thinks she is nice and has fun playing Barbies. I told my husband that I was considering that we should all go to family counseling, but I doubt he would come and the marriage counselor was a disappointment, so I am somewhat disillusioned: In a way, it is yet another stress for the kids. In addition, we are somewhat unusual to date in families in this situation in that my husband and I are very pleasant to each other in front of the kids, went to family functions together over the holidays, and he also continues to bring the kids back to my house after school when I work later and we have had dinner all together two nights this week due to each of us having to drive one child to a separate activity after dinner. I thought about how to achieve some boundary by having my husband take my son back to his place after school prior to activity, but the kids want to be together, and my husband suggested lingering over fast food with my son, which does not seem like a good option either. So far, it seems to me the best option may be for us to eat together, although that may be confusing for the kids. There are no good options! I continue to try to sift through day to day.

Many thanks for all your kind words of encouragement. Peace to you all in the new year and any advice is much appreciated. I have not sought lawyer or family counseling yet: Those of you with experience, please feel free to chime in.