DIG DEEP DIG ON

[Ambivalent]

Okay Job, I'm listening...
In the state where I am, because we've been together 33 years, alimony is based on years, lifestyle, whether I stayed at home, my age...His attorney did let him know back in March, that he would be paying a hefty amount. I don't want to post it. What is truly odd, any good attorney would tell him NOT to leave the house! So , he may or may not have actually gone to someone, either way...he has been battling this within for awhile.

I'm in self-preservation mode.

Prior to reading you and all that you wrote, I wrote a letter.

I am NOT sending it, but it released some feelings and helped me to cope...
The only part I may send is in italics. ===============================================================

I hear what you are saying, there are other choices and options but I accept the choice you've made.



I have come to a different choice.


A choice was made by my parent's and they regret it . A choice was made by your father, and he never found happiness with external changes. His inner uneasiness was brought with him to every relationship he embarked upon, thus culminating in multiple divorces.



Because of their choices and poor decisions, children were battered, bruised , and forever scarred. No matter the age, it is detrimental and traumatizing.



I will not participate in passing down more harm. I will not participate in a decision made in temporary confusion, physical and emotional duress, while hormonal and chemical changes are occurring in one's body.



Love, respect, and concept of commitment, are all easy when things are going well, it is a no brainer.



It is when it is in poorer, sickness, bad times and for worse, that counts . Real commitment is difficult, and challenging.



I'm not a quitter and I believe in us. I have proven this and will stand strong in my belief.



I'm not willing to let the house go at this moment. It is not a good choice, for us, for me, for our children, and for the future. You are looking out for you. Because of this I will protect myself and the possibility of saving this home, a strong possibility of equity in the distant future, and something with either retire with or bequeath to our children.



I am not clouded by confusion and the fear of temporary emotions. I'm not afraid to dig in and work hard. I am not willing to make a mistake that later may be the biggest regret of my life. I am not afraid to face my fears and my temporary emotions.



I am not afraid to face my uncertainty, will not run away , my fortitude is strong. I have embraced working on my challenges within and have not shied from change.



Change can be good or bad. If it causes destruction, without rebuilding on a better foundation, it is bad. If it causes positive growth and acceptance, it is good. If it is just external it will be fleeting and shallow. If it is introspective and sharing, it is good. I choose good change.





Whether you see "urgency" or not is not the issue or a reality. You should understand, since you have gone through 9 months and 6 months of seeking and searching.



Your issues are within yourself what you experienced in your family, the way others treated you, the way you internalized how you were perceived and the identity you developed from that. Choices you made then have you questioning and confused, possibly even seeking to be someone new, better, different...



It is not about me or the imperfect marriage we've had. Even if I was the perfect wife/mother, you would still be going through what you are going through.



This is your choice. I have accepted this .



I have stuck to my commitment to finish school, have interviewed, and continue. I have a clear focus on saving our home.



Soon I will embark on a full time career. It is in its infancy, and I will embrace the challenges of my decisions.



Consequences happen, I will be proud to hold my head up and be a good example to our daughters.



I will be proud to show them that when it was tough, difficult, seemingly hopeless, that I persevere. I will not teach them hate, but unconditional love. Love and compassion . I will teach them that family is far more important than things and



The school needs it's payment, you can call and complete that commitment. I have passed one exam, one to go. Without the final payment I will not graduate and can not take the state boards. The choice is yours.



As for Christmas, I do not believe giving cash is a good idea. Especially at this moment. I came to you earlier to brainstorm on what to do. I was told there was no money. You are now saying there is. Because of your statement to me, I have prepared boxes for your siblings and made gifts for their families. Our own daughters I have not shopped for.



I know abcde needs a bra from the shop in pppppp. I know fghijk
wants a scale . I have nothing to give them to date...I believe you should rethink giving them cash, so that there is something under a tree for them. I have your brother's present from my earlier planning.



The choice to do this at this time was yours.



A.