She's using the kids to try and hurt you (AGAIN). In this case her trigger was OW, that disclosure clearly angered her.
At this point I would suggest sharing all that info with your solicitor and see what their advice is.
I have done some dating, but not when I have the kids. My W has had her OM around the kids and it really upset them because they still hold out hope for reconciliation, and so they see OM as the roadblock to that and they don't like him by default. Granted my kids are older than yours, but because of that I will not expose them to an OW until after D, and even then I think it'll be a long while before I do.
I am a lot more relaxed about it. As far as I see it the my new friend is just another person in my life until it is something else. The kids are young and I'm not going out of my way for expose them to it but I'm not holding back either. The kids are a large part of my life when I'm not at work and I'm trying to juggle my personal life and having them a lot of the time.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
W: Lol.....really?? You managed that big tree all on your own?
Why on earth did you not see that trap? That is as old as Eve!
Quote:
Me: I had help. W: Eh? Me: A friend did it for me.
Could you not have said, "I managed" or something else? You know when you say "a friend" that she is immediately going to assume the friend is female. And, that's just what she did!
Quote:
W: Yeah well your little girlfriend can just undo it. I want MY tree.
Wow! She has forgotten all about her two OM. She didn't see it the same way when she was the one with a friend.
As soon as she asked about how I got the tree up I had a feeling about what she was getting at. I feel no reason to throw it in her face or hide it. I would prefer she knew sooner than later as I believe whatever her reaction was going to be I would have to ride that wave.
It's a shame it xmas time. I will be dissapointed if I don't get to have xmas with the kids at all but I feel like like that part of me is so relaxed and accepting, sad but true. Fighting my way to my goal pushes me further away from it. She either cools off or doesn't and I will have to throw money at the solcitor.
I'm not surprised it has pi**ed her off as I was half expecting that. I didn't think it would be so much though considering her 2 OM.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
You are really moving forward, T. It must make your life more peaceful.
When/if you end up in one of those convos again, you could cut it off politely. Not that you wouldn't be willing to discuss but at a time and place that was more acceptable for you.
It's really hard to keep a convo like that on topic, so any time she veers off, bring her back to the topic and let her know everything else is off limits.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I just had a quick at Clay's thread and after the first paragraph I could see the similaries in how he summed up his W.
I text W a few minutes asking if I can collect the kids tomorrow.
If it's a yes I will go about as normal for the next two weeks and then get on with the D in January. If it's no or no reply, I will try and get an appointment for tomorrow and get the solictor to start it and sort out access to the kids.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Good point! I hadn't thought of that at all. It completely boggles my mind how some people can be.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
W: Even though you make me turn into a fu**in raging bitch because of your constant goal to piss me off with all these stupid little games you keep playing with me....you know how much it means to me that you have a good relationship with the boys. But you pull any more this sh*t & I swear...I will have no problems treating you the same way I treat my Dad. You need to start making a better effort with the boys and their routines & targets.
I don't know what planet she's living on but it looks like I will get the kids tomorrow.
Her Dad has treated her quite badly over the years and she no longer has contact with him.
In the new year I want to proceed with the D. I think I'm going to tell her that I plan to do it first thing in January. She can do it if she wants but if I don't hear anything by the 2nd I will start. As it has not been 2 years yet there needs to be a reason that we both agree to. I could use 'Desertion - to end the relationship'. In theory she shouldn't have a problem with that but who knows.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I didn't text W back. Hers was a statement and it's lecturing tone angered me so I decided to repond in the morning.
FRIDAY At 8:00 in the morning I sent:
Me: Got a couple of things to sort then I will set off. All being well I will be there between 11:30-12:00. Does this fit in for you?
On my way there I realized at 11:00 I was gonna be a 30 mins late so I went to text her and noticed the last message never sent. Sh*t!! I already knew she was gonna punish me for this. I sent it anyway and then sent : Me: Hitting traffic. Let you know when I'm 30 mins away. W: After zero response from my text I didn't think you were getting them. My train was at 10.30. I'm on route to (2 hour train journey opposite direction from where I was coming from) with them. Me: I text you at 8:00 this morning. W: No you did not.
I lied and said I sent that one at 8:00 even though it never went. She sent me a pic of when she got it.
Me: I sent it when i woke up. W: You were originally meant to collect them this morning. I waited as long as I could. Me: Why didn't you phone me?? W: Why didn't you turn on when you were supposed to? Me: I was picking them up this morning, it's still the morning now. Didn't you think if you hadn't heard anything that something was wrong? Me: So that's it me and the kids don't see each other this Xmas? W: Why didn't you phone me? W: Any way it's too late now W: Not my fault you didn't turn up when you were supposed to. Me: I didn't know you were getting on a train with them....you did!!!!!!! Me: it's still the morning!!!!!! W: You should have asked! And you said rather than collect them Thursday night you would collect them first thing Friday morning. W: I'm done with you. Me: When you siad I couldn't have them I had no food for them. I had to go and get stuff this morning. W: Bullsh*t Me: I've got a grocery reciept here to prove it. W: You could have went first thing this morning. Not my fault someone kept you in bed. W: Hope it was worth it W: Then why didn't you go for groceries then? You chose shopping over your kids? Me: I didn't see your text until 21:00 and I chose to finish wrapping their presents. Me: Are you really on the train with them? W: It's a good job for you that I'm back later today. Me: What time? W: Might be best you pick them up tomorrow morning. Me: Okay W: 9am......if you can manage it this time! W: And to be clear...I do not want that girl near my kids until after Christmas. Too much is going on with S4 and it will only confuse him.
W: A response is usually required when someone sends you a message. Don't piss me off T1000 or I'll just stay here til Sunday. Me: I will do my best to be there for 9 and I have no plans to see (friend) this weekend. W: I'll get a social story printed up after new year for you to read to the kids. But be clear on this...do not introduce every little slag you plan on banging to the kids. Me: Whats with all the name calling? W: Who called who a name? Me: You called her a trollup on the phone the other day. You just said 'every little slag'. W: Did I? Well what little girl dates an old man like you knowing he has had a wife and kids. Trollop and slag come to mine. Me: What does that make OM2? W: A man willing to pick up the pieces that you left behind. Me: Thats similar to how I feel. W: Looooooool....... W: Oh and buy the way...I think you're a pervert. Actually makes me feel sick. W: And there are no pieces at your side.....everything is here!!! W: I walked away from an immature little boy so maybe you're now on the same wave length as that young girl but I needed a real MAN in my life. Me: If he makes you happy that's great. We all deserve to be happy. W: Very true.
W: Do you have swimwear for the boys I could borrow? Me: No they were too small.
W: I'm not getting back tonight now. Will have to let you know tomorrow what time I'll be back. Me: Right
Seeing as I didn't have the kids me and my new friend spent the evening together and it was great!! SATURDAY Saturday morning I hadn't heard from W by 11:20 so I text: Me: What time will you be back. Afetr 30 mins W: Will meet you in Toys R Us in (town 20 mins from here house) Me: Prob be more like 13:30 W: Okay I will let you know I am then.
This place was 1.5 hours from where i am. I was still in bed at this time. I had to shower, get dressed eat and take friend home. I didn't bother eating. On the way there I text to say it would be nearer 14:00.
W: How many more times you gonna keep these kids waiting. They deserve better!!!
She phoned me to have a go while I was driving. Saying that she was only meeting me at this town as a favour to me. Stupid thing is, just because it's 20 mins away from her house doesn't mean it's any nearer to me, the travel time is the same. Not only that it was her that decided to wait in a car park while I did a 1.5-2 hour journey. Silly woman! I was concerned for the last 20 mins that she wpould leave. When I got there: Me: Have you got S4's tablet. W: No Me: Them boxes that ou wanted are in the boot of the car. W: I don't have room in my car.
I left without punching her in the head, my self control is at an all time high!
SUNDAY
This was the day I was doing xmas with the kids.
7:30 in the morning W text: W: I hope that after this journey we are both going through, we will be were we are meant to be. Me: I'm planning on filing the 2nd week in January. W: Well I guess it will be clearing were we are meant to be.
W: Can you let me know how the kids are doing? Can you give me a time to skype the kids today? Me: They're loving it! Probably won't have time today. I will let you know if we do. W: Loving what? Really missing the kids.... W: It two mins to skype. Me: We are doing xmas today. I'm trying to fit the nearly 4 days I would have had them into the 1.5 days i do have them so quite busy. If we get time I will let you know. xx
I was talking to friend at the same time and we put "xx" at the end of each text. Whoops. I was gonna correct it but thought it would do more harm than good.
W: I honestly thought we would have all spent Christmas together this year. W: Can you please send me a few pics of them. Would you like to have them next weekend to spend some more time with them. I know how much they miss you and need you in their lives. X Me: I thought I had them that weekedn anyway. W: No that was my weekend. Me: (Sent her some pics of the kids) W: What is that thing S2 has in his hand. Can you send me a pic of them right one. Me: Which one in his hand? Them right one?? W: Have you told to them it's Christmas day? Right hand on the play mat. Me: Yes I have. It's an ABC tower of blocks. I sent you this on the 18th (sent her proof that I have the kids that weekend) W: Sorry I've got my dates mixed up. Yeah they are there with you. I meant the weekend after that. W: So like S2's birthday they think I'm not there on Christmas day. (crying smilie) Me: It's Christmas Day with Dad. You will have yours. W: (4 crying smilies)
MONDAY Me: Still aiming for 12:00? W: Yes. I'll give you the exact time I'll be at the junction. W: It's not gonna be 12. More like half past.
TUESDAY W sends me a video of the kids playing. It's a bout 3 seconds long and the back of the kids heads are on it for about 1/2 a second on the edge of the frame. Strange video indeed.
I feel okay about xmas day tomorrow and no kids. In a way it feels like I have two xmas days. One all mental and hyper with the kids and another where I get to chill out and relax. I'm so glad I got the chance to get used to it over the last few months.
Having my new friend to spend time with has also helped in many ways. We are both aware that it's some fun right now. Spending time with and talking to a woman that see's all the good I do and have to offer is quite an eye opener. It tops up my confidence where it was maybe lacking.
There are sooo may times during conversations with W that I could get nasty and vent myself but I hold back and try to be the better person.
I'm finding that I am lying to W to stay out of her bad books. Saying things like "I have no plans to see friend" is my way of not committing to what I'm saying. Something I have been trying to stop, something that really pi**es W off.
If I'm totally honest with W on why I might be late or anything that doesn't add up in her life she punishes me via the kids or verbally. The lying is to protect what I do have. I suppose one good thing is that I'm completely aware that I'm doing it.
That's about it for now. Feeling good on this xmas eve! I never expected I would be saying that.
Merry Christmas everyone!
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Remember, she uses the requests for phone pics as a control method. She can take up some of your time, plus she can "see" a lot by the pics you send. She looks to see the location you are in, and "who" is around, and what is going on. Be careful.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
